A Girl and her Toys

A few days ago I had the horrorific experience of having a vibe die mid session. It of course was my own fault because I am the worst about charging them. Mainly because I leave them out and I hate the idea of my fiance seeing them and thinking “Oh, she’s charging Larry.” So of course this happened recently and I found myself slightly embarrassed. But not for me, but for him. I never want him to think that my toys are a replacement for him. They are however, an enhancement.

Now I fully understand that I am not like most women where using toys is not a norm. And I also understand that the idea of using toys can seem a bit defeating for some men. But I am here to get you on game for the benefits of bringing some playful vibes in the bedroom.

  • Variety is the Spice of Life: There is something to be said about knowing your partners moves, before they event execute them. And why is that? Because you have found yourself in a sex routine. That’s where a great toy can add something new to their rotation. Bringing in a little (or a large) toy for extra fun, is like when your teacher rolls out the VHS cart in homeroom. You know it’s gonna be a good day.
  • Make it for his and her pleasure: Toys are not strictly for women. Though some are marketed as such, there are many which feature dual action that both partners can enjoy. Take a look for those that are good for both men and women and give them a try.
  • It’s Getting Hot in Hereeeee: You are already hot and bothered, so why not get hotter. “The Drift” by Lora DiCarlo is my favorite warming vibe. You heard me…warming. It produces just enough warmth to give an amazing sensation causing some mind blowing orgasms.
  • Go out and Shop: If you happen to live in an area where there are adult stores, take a little shopping trip..together! It may seem awkward at first, and yes, there may be some giggles, but I believe you may be surprised at how your shopping trip ends. And be sure to ask the staff for advice. They are there to help.
  • Finally, solo play together: Sometimes the best way to explain to your partner what you like, is to actually show them. So why not do some solo play with your partner watching. Not only that, try doing this together. The visual of watching each other turn yourselves on brings in all sorts of mental, visual and sexual stimulation that we sometimes forget in intimacy. So show them what you turns you on and really pay attention, and listen, to your partner.

The Sunken Place

I was 12 years old when I wrote my first suicide note and 31 when I wrote my last one. Yea, that happened. Both 12 year old me and 31 year old me had very different pain, that they tried desperately to hide from the world. Until, in their opinion, it was too much to bear. To say I have had to battle depression and anxiety, is an understatement. It is a battle I deal with to this day. And one I don’t often share.

I also never ever shared it with any of my previous partners. Until my fiancee. We had been together for about four months when I had an anxiety attack that I cleverly concealed with shots of tequila. What can I say? (Patron is a coping mechanism.) But then I thought “If I love this man, he has to see this part of me.” He had to see and understand my past pain and traumas. So I sat him down and told him everything. I put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself both personally and professionally and sometimes, it’s too much.

I can’t please everyone but I also want so badly to do so.

Sometimes I cry, for no reason. Sometimes I am unkind for no reason.

Sometimes I need help, but I am ashamed to ask.

This was all new to me, but also important. I needed him to see this side of me and to know what to do when I would find myself in The Sunken Place. Sometimes it’s a memory or social media or something in my environment that causes me to spiral. But more often than not, it comes out of no where. It creeps in and I don’t know what to do. And I need a safety net.

I needed to tell him because I needed him to know that sometimes when I’m trying to be strong for him, I am trying so hard to be strong for myself. And sometimes, it’s too hard to do that silently. When I had another anxiety attack I told him “Somethings wrong. I don’t feel happy and I don’t want to hurt myself, But I am scared and I don’t know what to do.” He asked what he could do and I cried and said “Just hold me.”

It may be the hardest thing in the world to open up to your partner and tell them what you need. And it may seem like you feel you have failed when you show your vulnerable side. But that is bullshit! They are your partner for a reason. They love the beautiful and the not so beautiful. You should never be afraid to ask for help. You should never be afraid to say “I can’t carry this alone.” And most importantly, never be afraid to say you aren’t happy and you just need to be held.

There is strength in admitting you need help. And there is love in the people who give it to you.

You like me! you really like me!!!

Let me first start with a simple fact. I am an only child. When I tell people this, the stereotypical responses of spoiled and selfish are the first things people want to associate with me. Let me make this very clear, I am selfish…when it comes to food. And as for spoiled, I grew up with a grandfather who was raised during the Great Depression and therefore raised me as such.

But there is another common trait that us solo babies have. And that’s the strong desire to please other people. We take it on almost as a life or death challenge. For many, it’s a defense mechanism in order to protect ones self. For some, like me, it’s a wonderful way to feel validation. However, the people pleasers are sometimes the hardest and the worst when it comes to being in strong, healthy relationships. “Why” you ask?

Because we forget a cardinal rule when it comes to a partnership. Ready for your mind to be blown?

Sometimes, in a relationship…you have to be selfish, and put you FIRST.

Ok, so right now, hardcore people pleasers and only children around the world are freaking out at that statement. I get it! I’m almost shuddering at just writing it. But if I look really deep, like super duper deep in my past relationships, I very rarely put me first. And they all failed because I was so blinded by the idea of love, that I looked past my partners flaws, or because I put my emotions, desires and dreams aside for what I felt, was for the benefit of the relationship and the other person.

Here’s the thing about trying to keep the people pleaser mentality in a relationship. It never really works. You feel that what you are doing on the surface is being caring, compassionate, kind, strong and considerate for the other person. But what are you getting in return? And if you’re both people pleasers, I promise there are things you wish you could tell the other person, but you don’t. And you don’t because at least “they” are happy, and you feel that’s enough for you.

That’s not enough!

That’s a great start. But what if you can make sure your partners needs are addressed with just as much energy and passion as you would do if you took care of your own needs first? I go back to that first fact. When you meet someone who is an only child, you think they are selfish. But in their world, they are doing the one thing that is keeping them sane and helps them navigate the environment around them. They are protecting their interests by making sure that “self” is provided for, first. In theory, it is not selfish. It’s self preservation. A sibling allows you to bounce ideas, fun, tantrums, conspiracies off of each other. When it’s just you, you have to learn in very difficult ways, what is safe, fun, entertaining and most importantly, worth your time.

The emergence of the “Self Care” movement is one that I am huge fan of. But I think sometimes, we need to do the same in relationships. The next time you find you and your partner making big “WE” decisions, step back and ask yourself “Does this serve or help me in this relationship?” And answer that question honestly. Now, hear me out. I am not saying that this should be done with every decision in your relationship. There are for sure moments where you need and almost HAVE to put your partner, first. Areas of health, mental wellness, family, etc. However, in general, try to challenge yourself to ask what does that selfish little child in me need?

And don’t forget another crucial fact. Trying to please others before yourself, very rarely ever works. That whole “Love yourself, before you can love someone else” mumbo jumbo, is kind of rooted in fact. Simply put, it means: take care of those things that you love, the things that give YOU happiness and is deep in your truth, and you will in turn, find and have a partner who will work hard to make those things a reality for you.

Good luck, you selfish little brats!

You Expect Me To Pay?

I get this question asked a lot. Should a man pay on the first date? To be honest, I am a bit back and forth on this subject. The Suzy Homemaker in me, says yes. HOWEVER, I do feel that if YOU are a gutsy gal like me and you ask the guy out, than by all means you should pay or at the very least, offer. The women who only feel that a man should pay for everything, kinda make me sick. And a little sad. Come on ladies, this isn’t the time of our mothers or grandmothers. We can’t say in one minute that we are strong independent women, then succumb to those old tales of yore.

But, I will say, there was this one time….

Ok, I am not proud to admit this, but I totally lied about my age to this guy. Not like, “Oh I am 25”, when I was really 29. Kinda like I was 16 and told him I was 21. I KNOWWWWWW! So bad. And to make matters worse…well, I won’t tell you how old he was. But I will say this, he sold cars for a living. As a matter of fact, he provided the best pick up I have ever encountered. While stopped at a traffic light, he made me roll down my window, told me I was cute, followed me through three more lights and then tossed his business card through my window.

Moving on…

For our first date, we met for coffee and a movie at the mall. Seriously, he should have guessed how old I was when I suggested meeting at the mall! But me being smart and safe, I had my best friend come to the mall and follow us, in case he was a serial killer or worse, a Mormon. We were going to be late for the movie if we had coffee, so we skipped forward to the film. While standing in line to get our tickets, it happened. I popped up to the counter and asked for two tickets for whatever funny chick flick was in at the time. “That’ll be $12” the woman behind the plexiglass said. See kids, there was a time when it didn’t require a small loan to go to the movies.

“Um, hun. I forgot my wallet” he said. I’m sorry, what? Now keep in mind, I am 16. This is my first “big girl” date and this has never happened in my oh so limited dating experience at this time. “You uh, forgot your wallet?” I said. “Yea, I think it’s at my place. We can go back there and get it.” If my grandmother was with me, she would have said RUNNNN. Lucky for me, I wasn’t stupid. “You know”, I said “I think if I head home now, I can try to cram for my Law final”. (College students studied law, right?)

I never saw him again, though he called several times for a “makeup date”. I am pretty sure I escaped an episode of “To Catch a Predator”, I am also sure it was my first and last “Sorry I lost my wallet” excuse. From then on I remembered what my mother said “Bring enough money to pay your way and most importantly, get yourself home…in case you need it” So ladies, if we have learned anything from this, remember, it’s ok to have him pay for the first date, it is NOT ok to think it will always happen. But if he opens his wallet, you should at the very least open….your own door 😉

The Best of 2012

Happy New Year kiddies!

Ok, so this is going to be short and sweet, but here it is. I am asking all of you to challenge yourself. Having had a recent conversation with someone who is very dear to me, the topic of Sexual Superhero came up. Ok, maybe I came up with that and demanded her to create a Sexual Superhero. Why? Well it’s simple. Do you ever notice that you do the same thing over and over again, whether dating and/or in bed? Do you find yourself wishing to be more curious, but terrified to try? Do friends call you the prude of the group? Hell, have you not taken a good look at the equipment downstairs?

Well what are you waiting for? Become a Sexual Superhero!! And I mean, go out there and give yourself a challenge and do it! Now, I can say be a Dating Superhero, for those of you who would like to crawl before you walk. But it’s not hard to do. And here’s how. Everything that you have ever wanted to try, try. Anyone you have ever wanted to ask out, ask. Any place you have ever wanted to go, go. And position you have wanted to do, for heavens sake…DO IT!

The change you want to see in your life, whether in your relationships, bed, profession, family and friends, does not happen by those who sit on the sidelines. Get out there and do it. And make mistakes. Make tons of them. But when you do, learn from them. I am sooooo over the girls who keep saying “Aw, I keep ending up with the bad guy.” Or guys who say “Aw, I am so tired of dating psychos.” Guess what, it might not be them. It might be YOU! So change it! Do something different.

Finally, love HARD! The next time you have an amazing date, the next time you have a perfect moment, the next time you look in their eyes and can hear  Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” in the background, SAVOUR it. Think of it as the last date, the last moment, the last kiss, the last anything you may enjoy in life and ENJOY it! Remember, some people might not have that chance, but you do.

So make the year of the Dragon a fabulous year. Go out there, date, have fun, and enjoy every moment of it!

The Kiss

I am in no way denying that I enjoy sex. Good sex, that is. There is in fact a very large difference between the two. And sadly I have had my fair share of bad and “Please get your clothes and leave” sex. But there is something that I enjoy a bit more than good, even bad sex. And that is, a kiss.

Now, when I say a kiss, there are several elements that make up a good kiss. I recently had the pleasure of realizing why I enjoy a good kiss because I in fact met, a great kisser. I know you may think that there are urban legends about such a person, and more importantly, some of you are under the ill conceived notion that you are in fact, a good kisser. (I can honestly say that I am a great kisser. I have references) But like Santa Claus, they do exist.

My kisser for the evening was a recent date that I had, and a little known type of fantasy guy for me, the nerdy guy. You mean you are cute, play football and a chemist? Um, yes please. On our first date we had the typical good night kiss. Kind of awkward at first. Do I go for the lip or the cheek? Tongue no tongue? Where do my hands go? How long should the kiss last? Should our hips meet? This internal dialogue went on for about .2 seconds because as soon as the kiss accord, I knew we made at match.

That’s right. Like dating, you have to have a kissing match. It is true to go out with someone and everything is right about them. But then you go in for the kiss. It’s messy, it’s sloppy, or too wet, or too soft or it feels like your teeth are being extracted. And then you sadly must accept, do you continue dating that person knowing that they are, dare I say it, a horrible kisser? I tell my girlfriends all the time, you can never really know if a guy is truly date worthy until you kiss him. And you can most definitely not know if he is relationship worthy until you sleep with him. Cold facts, but the truth. You don’t just buy a car without test driving it first.

But this guy, he and I were a good match. On date two, what I like to call the classic 4th grade date: games, cartoons, pizza and truth or dare, we had a second go round at the all important kiss. Sometimes I like to think that a good kiss on the first date might be a fluke. It could be the adrenaline building up or just performance anxiety. So imagine my surprise when the unthinkable happened. I think we kissed for a solid 5 mins straight. This does happen in real life and not just in The Brat Pack movies. The head tilt, perfect. Hand positioning, perfect. To tongue or not to tongue, not too slimy. The slight pause in between to catch your breath and of course to breathe, perfect. And then it moved into something unexpected, there was an eye gaze.

If you have never encountered an eye gaze during a very passionate kiss, allow me to explain. There comes a time where usually the dominate kisser will stop, pause, take your face into their hands and simply stare. In this stare you know at that moment one of two things. One: That this is in fact the hottest kiss you have had in a while. And Two: That if you continue on said course, one or both parties will end up naked. He stopped, paused, and gave me this gaze. In reality it only lasted about two seconds, if that. But at the moment it seemed like minutes. And he looked like a different person. My cute nerdy chemist, morphed into this hot, kissing God and I could do nothing but succumb to the kiss.

This all lasted for about 40 mins on and off during an intense game of Wii bowling. (BTW, I kicked his ass). And the best part, the kiss was not part of a rush to get into bed. Oh, no no. This was what we like to call, foreplay. Yea, I know. There are men that actually enjoy it. And shockingly are good at it. The best foreplay is all about the anticip……..ation. And that was exactly how it felt. The anticipation of something great. For all we cared, that kiss could have lasted all night, and we both would have been highly satisfied.

I pity people that have never had a real good kiss. The idea that a kiss could make you weak in the knees is true. It’s because for one moment, that kiss makes gravity seem insignificant. And all you have are two perfect lips having a conversation that two perfect bodies dare not have.

Table for One: The Break Up

I guess when it comes to dating, you have to look at what happens when it all goes south. I mean, we really do want to believe that you meet “The One”, you move into the perfect house and live happily ever after.  But let’s be real, fairly tales as history will tell you, usually come from a tragic beginning. So with that thought, sometimes, the end is the best way to start the beginning.

The fact that I can even say these words in the part of my life as today, is nothing short of a miracle. But it comes from one simple truth, and that is quite simply, we all deserve happiness. We all deserve a love that can make time stand still. Now that might be a bit romantic, but what we all deserve is to feel love. You should never feel or live in a state of compromise, of settling, or just getting by. The Break Up is the first step to getting to what is the best thing for both parties.

You have to look at it this way, you can sit and whine and cry and bitch and moan. But what does that get you? Do you think the other person is doing the same ? Should you even care? Does it change the end result? No. So what can you do? You can take a day, one day, to look at every side, cry, eat, drink, have random sex, then the next day, you move the fuck on. Ok. So this may be a bit harsh and slightly unrealistic. But here is the truth, the break up is not the end. It may be the end of this love, but there is another love to come.

I use to think at one point after a break up, I will never find a guy better than the last. The funny thing was, after every break up, the next guy was always better than the last. I learned not to make the same mistakes, and I found myself close and closer to being really happy. So if you failed or if he failed, just imagine how great the next guy will be? The Break Up is not a death sentence, it is just the end of one phase of your relationship life. It hurts like hell and time is the only healer, but with that time comes strength, wisdom and insight.

So enjoy being at that table of one. Drink the largest drink, eat the richest food, enjoy the greatest silence and clear your mind, your head and your heart. Then, start again and this time, you will be ready for your party of two.

Say Anything

Sorry ladies, this is not a post about my love for the Jon Cusack movie. Or a story about a guy I dated who did something as romantic as standing out my window with a boom box playing Peter Gabriel. Sadly, this is a post about a sad, but interesting dating truth.

When I was young, my mother was very open with me when it came to sex and dating. Most might think that’s odd, but it was a great tactic. For her, she wanted me to know that if I ever had a question about sex and relationships, I should be honest and talk to her, no matter how silly or embarassing it might seem. And guess what, it worked. Of course years later, she would come to me with questions and there is nothing more bizarre than having to clarify to your mother what “tea bagging” means.

One of the many lessons my mother taught me was the “Say Anything” theory. One summer we sat and talked about relationships and the difference between having sex and making love. Note: There is a very clear difference between the two, and if you don’t believe it now, you soon will. My mother then told me of this theory. When it comes to sex, a man will say anything to get you in bed. They will promise you the moon and the stars, build an imaginary future, quote poems or a Dave Matthews song. In short there is nothing a man WON’T say to get the panties to drop. I have to admit, it’s pretty genius. It’s like the ultimate car salesman tactic. The scary thing is, we fall for it each time.

There is actually a part of each woman that knows this theory to be true. Yet we fall for it each time. And why do we fall for it? Because there is a little girl inside of us that is screaming “But he is different! He means it! He must REALLY REALLY like me” Oh no boo boo. He must really like and want the cookie. And he does. But here is the problem with this theory on the male point, why use the line? Why go through all that effort? Why jeopardize your conscience and soul just to sleep with us? Can you think of a better approach? That’s right…you can’t. Because each one of us ladies have had the direct approach. The guy who flirts with you, chemistry goes off and at the end of the date he gives you the coded “Your place or mine?” line.

And what do we do? We run for this hills, warn all of our girl friends, and laugh in your face. So at the end of the day, the men have no choice but to do the “Say Anything” line(s). But ladies, must we fall for it? No. We can simply recognize it for what it is, an invitation to get us in bed, and leave it at that. Then again, we ladies can say anything to get you to believe that it was worth it. But we would never fake something like that….would we?

You Think Like a Dude

There are two very distinct sides to my social make up. I am lucky that I have the greatest girlfriends in the world. I also belong to the BEST sorority there is. With that said, my girls always have my back. From the craziest of relationship issues, to the hardest of personal times, they are the women I admire and love dearly….
…then….there’s the flip. I am the woman who has a tendency to have more male friends that I think is allowed in the realm of dating. And not just friends that I went to college with, I mean the kind of guys that I can call balling my eyes out over a heart break and they are prepared to kick the guys ass,  and then the guys who encourage me to take that 4th shot of Jager just to see the end result. Because of them, I am a truly lucky girl.
I have to say, I have learned a great deal from both sets of friends. The empathy and compassion of my girls and the realistic yet carnal side of my homeboys. But I find when it comes to dating, I get the same response from both of them…”You think like a dude!”
I am sure you have heard this phrase before. Perhaps someone has even uttered it about you. But what does it really mean? Is it a bad thing? I like to think that it isn’t. For me, when the “dude” in me kicks in, it is usually telling me:
A) The Truth
B) The thing I DON’T want to hear
C) and finally, the thing that my girls will lie about, just because we don’t want to hurt each other
There is also the physical aspect of “The Dude”. So I am going to let you men in on a little secret that you are not to repeat to any girl. There are times, like you, where we could really care less about a relationship. At the end of the day, we just want to sleep with you. It’s usually something that you idiots do to screw that up. Like admitting you really like us, or you want to abstain from sex. Who does that?
For me, when that part of the “The Dude” comes into play, I am pretty much ok with it. And, in true dude fashion, depending on the sex, will determine if I pick up the phone and ever call you back or pretend like the whole thing never happened. But here is where society has issues with this concept. When a guy does it, he’s a player, and that’s cool. When a girl does it, she’s a slut, and that is not cool.
So here is the real for 2011. If I am acting like a dude, take credit men, that I am allowing that insecure girl in me to die. I am allowing myself to say, it is ok to go for what I want, and like a man, not stop until I get it. That if I am going to find a real challenger in this dating world, it better be a man that can go balls to balls with me. And like a true WOMAN, I will end up VICTORIOUS!

The Brawny Man

The truth is, the infamous Brawny Man paper towel character was created completely in the mind of Marketing analysts and researchers. They came up with the character to appeal to the average housewife. The Brawny Man was strong, handsome, courageous, dependable and the perfect combination of what researchers thought women were lacking…a man who could do the job. In a paper towel since, mind you.

But who is this Brawny Man. I always thought that man should be the all around kind of man that every woman, in one way or another, dreams about. He is a sort of foundation to “The Bad Boy”, “The Hot Dad”, “The Best Friend”, etc. Without a good foundation, all of these men, just seem to be little boys. For me, The Brawny Man is simple. It’s the man with a great smell. The kind of smell where you think “Ummm. You smell like a man. And you smell damn good!”

He is the man who wraps you in his arms, and not only do you melt, but you feel safe. And not the kind of “Oh, I am being held. I feel safe”, kind of safe. But the “This man can hold me, and I honestly think if we were being mugged, he can pick me up and run.”, kind of safe. The Brawny Man also has chemistry. I mean, you have to have some carnal joy. Right? But this chemistry, is different from any other man. The Brawny Man is serious, without pretense, no games and pure heat. Not so much that you would be scared or freaked out, but just enough to know that when he kisses you, he means it.

For any of us, we find in situations, where we just need a MAN. Not someone to occupy our time, or someone just to have sex with, we need a MAN. Someone who lives up to the definition. Not just a “real man”, but the strength, the dependability, the security, the attractiveness, the man that you know that if you never leave the house, you are ok with just being held. And equally, the kind of man, who wants to do nothing more, but that. To provide for the many wishes of the average housewife and single girl, one spill at a time.