Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life

Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life

I know I am not the only one to admit this. But there is always that one, ok…maybe two…people that you have had relations with, that you would rather forget the whole event ever happened. Not that the mood wasn’t there, the kissing wasn’t perfect or even that you didn’t look your best. Simply put, the sex sucked. And not in the,  the opening credits were crappy but the final scene was epic, kind of sucked. I mean, all together, the sex was just lousy.

Case in point with Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. I have referred to him as this because I will deny our ever having sex, let alone kissing, until the day that I die. I won’t tell you the details about how we first got to the bedroom, I will just tell you this, work sexual tension gives you false hope that the person flirting on the other end might be good in the sack.

So one night after work, we got together. The first sign of this sinking sexual Titanic, he was ok at kissing. Now I will say this, there are some men out there who have lost the fine art of kissing. I mean, melt your panties off, feel lightheaded, the room actually spinning and Oh My God I think I can have an orgasam, kind of kissing. Think of it this way, that should be your version of “This is Why You Should Sleep With Me” sales tactic, to get us in bed. I have stop stronger men in their tracks simply based on the fact that they were bad kissers.

But for some dumb reason, I let this minor major flaw slide. The clothes disappear, the “kissing” continues, and I am instantly bored. If you start your lovemaking by doing long division in your head, that’s a bad sign, right? Hell yea it is! But it’s kind of like ordering a drink out with friends and everyone deciding to leave early. You try your best to finish the drink off as fast as you can, not letting it go to waste, when there are times, you should just get your crap and go.

So I am sure you are wondering what made him Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. Well it was the Holy Trinity of Bad Sex: Lousy Kisser, Small Unit,  No Skills. Now I say this because having one or two of those things going wrong can still somewhat redeem you in the eyes of us ladies. Having them all go wrong, well, you run the risk of being laughed at by us and our girlfriends.

It was a few years later when one of my friends brought his name up. “Hey, didn’t you hook up with…” I stopped her mid sentence, looked her dead in the face and with every bit of Erica Cane soap opera acting conviction, I said to her…I’ve Never Slept With Him Before In My Life!

Mr Oh That’s So Cute

Mr Oh That’s So Cute

Ok, so this is the post that guys have been dreading, because it’s the size post. First, I will say this, size only matters when it comes to diamonds and leg room in First Class. However- in the bed room, size does have a, no pun intended, big factor.

The man in question had a crush on me for a little while, so we decided to go on a date. There was some sparks, some definite flirty-flirty, and it was nice. Getting back to his place he did the “Let me give you a massage” move. Note: You guys are so wrong for that. You know we melt every time. And of course, the move totally worked…let the makeout session begin. In truth he was a adorable, the total baby faced, sweet guy and I was smitten. So if the clothes came off, hey, it would be interesting to see what happens next.

As we make it to his room, the clothes magically disappeared and then it happened. Now I know I wear contacts, and it was late, my eyes might have been dry, but what I saw was real. The actual thought that went through my head was “Oh That’s So Cute”. I mean, it was like a cute little miniature surprise. It matched his cute personality, but it threw me off a bit. Now, what I have found in the past is that you should never judge. It has been this woman’s experience that men who may lack in size are experts in other areas. So as I chase out the internal laughs I got from Mr Oh That’s So Cute, we proceed…..

THREE MINUTES LATER….

He looks at me, somewhat sad and a little embarrassed. “Could we not tell anyone about this?”, he says. Are you serious? Not tell anyone? Not even my girls? I already had a mental list of the phone calls I was about to make. But I am a nice girl and I said nothing, until years later and until this post.

 I tell you all this sad tale for one reason and one reason only. Guys, if you know you are coming to the game a little short on practice and in gear, make sure you work on your conditioning and endurance. Now, let’s play ball!

Mr Nubian King

Mr Nubian King

I am all about confidence, heck, at times I have it in abundance. And there is nothing wrong with going in and having your own personal theme song playing in your head. You need that added push in some situations just because the task is so daunting. And I guess, the bedroom is some what like a circus. You are the ringleader, prancing around trying to entice the tiger while at the same time, trying to give the audience a good show.

But sometimes that confidence, can turn into arrogance and that arrogance can turn into really, really bad sex. So for your consideration I present, Mr Nubian King. Now I will admit, this post might be slightly skewed based on the fact that Mr Nubian King was the only black man I have ever been with. Yes, the ONLY one. So perhaps, for anthropological reasons, I should consider sleeping with another black man. Either way, he was my first. Mr Nubian King and I went to college years prior to our sleeping together. He was very good friends with a mutual friend of mine. A friend who I happen to be staying with for a few weeks before I moved out of state.

It was one of those nights of hanging out, watching tv, drinking wine and just chilling in. My friends boyfriend ended up coming over, leaving Mr Nubian King and I sitting in the living room, with the lights off…ALONE. Now little did I know, this was kind of planned because apparently, he liked me which was a total shook to me. It was like some horrible 6th grade first date, I sat on one far side of the couch, he on the other end and both of us staring at the tv, but not really watching it. I fully expected the ole yawn and arm move, but it did not happen. This would find out later would have been the lesser of all evils.

Now how it happened that he kissed me, I will never know. Maybe he was a ninja in another life because I did not see it coming. And who am I to deny a cute boy a kiss. Yea, he was cute. Not really my type because I have only ever been attracted to white men, but he was cute and sweet. Well the kiss turned into some serious kissing and then we were off. Now I am not proud to admit this, but I was soooo not into this moment. I would have been happier watching whatever it was we were watching. This taught me a great lesson which was further taught by Mr Best, if you are not in the moment, don’t fake it, it turns out to be more work for you. So true.

So the clothes come off, more kissing continues and then it was like we time traveled to a cheesy 1972 porno. He had this look in his eye like there was a camera in the room. No, seriously. Like he was…acting. And then to make it worse, came….the lines. “Yeaaaaa.”  “You like this?”  “I know you do.”  “You love it don’t you?”  Do I? Actually no. It took everything in my power not to laugh. Was he serious? Who was he trying to convince? Me or him? And the LL Cool J lip licking and then, I swear the man winked at me. What in the world? All I kept thinking is, this can’t be what the whole hub bub about black men. Seriously, who the hell did I just slept with? A cross between Quagmire and Barry White?

Funny as it was, it thankfuly was over in no time. I went to the shower, hiding my giggles and a bit perplexed. I was hoping that this might have been the man that could have converted me to the “Dark Side.” But there is something to be said about leaving your pride at the bedroom door. So Guys, be macho, be cocky, show us your best moves, but remember sometimes, silence is golden.