I dare you to….

I dare you to….

I hate when someone says “I dare you to…”. I hate it for many reasons. The first, it kicks my only child mentality and need to please into overdrive. “I’ve been given a challenge. I must do it now!”. Second, usually the dare is something that the darer knows that I will 100% do. So it’s not so much of a dare as it is “Let’s see her do this!” It’s entertaining for all and I can maintain my record of never turning down a dare. *

* If it causes me harm, is illegal in all Southern states or involves cats or Gin, I always say no.

But when it comes to the bedroom, I love a good dare. Scratch that. I almost demand it.   For one, how will you ever know what you like and don’t like unless you try new things? I had a conversation with a friend recently and we talked about how she knew a guy that really only had one move. One move? Wasn’t that banned pass the age of 16? I said “Why don’t you dare him to do something? Like, I dare you to kiss a part of my body that has never been kissed.” *

*By far one of my favorites and I have yet to find a guy to actually do this accurately.

Think of it more like a challenge. Guys, when a girl dares you in bed, she actually has full faith that you can live up to the dare. She may also need you to spice things up a bit. This is your chance to surprise us. And not only that, we want you to give back. You got a girl who says she’s adventurous? Game on! But, remember, there must be rules to a good dare.

It should not cause harm, it must be fun, it should be something you’ve never done and most importantly, it should be something that challenges you just as much as your partner. So why not start 2014 with a bit of naughty Truth or Dare. Grab some slips of paper, write done a few questions and dares, and just have fun! I’ll start…

“I dare you to send me a….”

Me and Ms Jones

Me and Ms Jones

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If you are not a fan of “Sex and the City” or heaven forbid, you have never watched a single episode of the show, this post will be very boring and sadly you won’t find it hilarious like I do.

I have loved SATC ever since the very first episode. More over, I have loved the snarky PR goddess that is Samantha Jones ever since she bossed around her first waiter. Among my girlfriends and die-hard SATC fans I have often been told that I am Samantha in real life form. Over the years, I thought it was enjoyable. The similarities are pretty strong. We are both ballsy, both are in Public Relations, we both have no filter, we are the oldest woman in our circle of friends and of yeah…we are both very sexual people.

The older I got and the longer I watched the show, the more I took pride in my ebony Samantha lifestyle. But then a few years ago, I noticed something. Those same “friends” who would playfully say “Oh Desiree, you are soooo Samantha.” , were now judging me and using it against me. Wait. I’m sorry? What exactly is the problem again? It was ok when we were all single and looking for love and complaining about men, but now that you are in serious relationships, or married or dare I say it…a mommy…it’s not cool to be Samantha?

What’s even funnier is that there was a similar story line in SATC. Two of the women were married, one was working on a family, the other was a mom and finally Carrie had a some what stable relationship. And where was Samantha? Living her life, of course! Being her fabulous self! But more importantly, she was staying true to who she was.

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Samantha and I are very similar. But it isn’t the sexual side that defines us. It’s the sticking it to the man, balls to the wall, make it work in a male driven society, hard as steel with a heart of gold side. It’s almost like defining me just as a black woman, when I am so much more than that. So I say to the other Samantha Jones’ of the world…SCREW EM! Raise a glass to your strength, your vulnerability, your honesty and your wit. And then one day, one magically fabulous day, you will find a man worthy enough of our very important time. Now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting, Pilates and a fireman to do.

Things Guys Like to Hear in Bed

Things Guys Like to Hear in Bed

This is a public service announcement. Guys we know your dirty little secret and it’s about time that I spill the beans. You are all magnificent and wonderful Gods in bed.

Lol. I know right?! They think we say that about them. Ok, ok. Let me clean up my computer screen. As you all know, I have taken my sexual hiatus very seriously. Oh crap, now I have to clean the screen again. Right. Let me start over.

It came to my attention that men seem to respond very well when they hear the right things in bed. Like a mother encouraging their child to do good in school based on past accomplishments, men take that same since of positive motivation to do better in bed. Here’s the problem. They don’t have the imagination that we do. Women believe in all that wistful bull shit that has made 50 Shades of F*&ing Grey so popular. Men are simple creatures. Now I am not saying we need to create stick figure signs and hold them up when a guy is doing his part to fertilize your lady bits, but here are few lines that should get his attention, and hopefully a more focused sexual partner.

Warning: I may or may not have said these, like 100 times. 

  • “Ohhhh” (insert name)– This is the gold standard and should be used often. Not because you forgot his name, but it’s a great way to remind yourself who is in your bed, not to mention, it reminds you not to scream out the name of the guy you are thinking about in your head.
  • “Yeaaaaaaa”- From the greek word “Yes” meaning “Don’t Stop”. This is highly effective when the young scout has gone on a southern expedition and has come to the perfect fork in the road.
  • “That was amazing”- Ok. I will admit. If I have ever said this, I lied. Guys, that’s the point. If ANY girl has said this, she is lying. If it was really amazing, she isn’t going to say anything. She is going to lie there like a whipped mound of jelly and convulse when you do so much as touch her hair. But hey, if hearing it makes you feel good about yourself, by all means champ, enjoy!
  • “You are the best”- See above
  • “I’ve never done that before”- This should only be used when you have pulled out some secret Jenna Jameson tantric crap that makes HIM lie in bed like a whipped mound of jelly. Trust me, you both will be very proud of yourself.
  • “Oh God”- Whatever your religious belief, there is nothing more powerful than bringing the lord in bed with you. Now, be careful with this. With great words comes great responsibility and when you start throwin around the lawds name, guys start thinking they are doing alllll the right moves. And let’s be honest, if you are gonna scream that, you need to make sure he actually did something deserving. Like put the toilet seat down post coitus. And finally….
  • “Of course I came”– Ok, this makes me giggle. For some reason, guys need that extra reassurance that we enjoyed their efforts. The key to this statement is making it believable. It’s called acting. So you want to be convincing. Think Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”. But like the above statement, if you use it too often, they will start to get suspicious. And nothing ruins sex then a doubtful partner worrying about his self worth…and who is going to get up and grab the towel.
They Still Make You?

They Still Make You?

 

I love Chris Rock. The above clip is from his comedy special “Bigger and Blacker”. I remember the first time I saw it, and laughing so hard that I was in tears. But I also recall thinking, he has some very valid points. The above mentioned being the biggest.

When it comes to oral sex, I will admit, women are greedy. I know! Shocked to hear us say, right? But it’s true. We want to enjoy it and in some cases thats all we want. We want to receive and not do any giving. Some of us feel that our love and other special talents should be enough. And some women, and I am ashamed to say this, don’t believe in it at all. Like Chris Rock says, you have to look at women who doesn’t perform oral like a beta max, “They still make you?”

I argue that a woman who doesn’t perform oral feels this way for two reasons. First, she  truly hates it. For her, there is no pleasure. And if there is no pleasure, why is she doing it? Not only that, some feel its demeaning. So they would rather do every other Leave It To Beaver move than to go downtown. Reason number two, she might not be good at it. I don’t care what any guy says, there is such a thing as a bad bj. And though you might be excited you are getting attention down there, admit it, you would rather have nothing than to have a woman act like she is licking a lemon.

So what does a guy do in either case? In the first, find out how she truly feels about performing oral. Whether its from a bad experience or a *cough* taste issue *cough*, talk to her and see if you can find a compromise. Remember, at our core, we love to please. In the second, you have to treat this one tactfully. We don’t want to hear you say “You are horrible, just stop” Instead, give her clever pointers. If you notice, we are never at a loss for telling you what to do. So if you have a secure enough woman (and the secure part is the key word) then you should be able to be a great bj coach and walk her through what you like.

But may I remind you fellas, that if you are the one enjoying this little carnal treat, remember it is also good to give back. And you know what I mean. But that’s another topic, for another day.

The Best of 2012

The Best of 2012

Happy New Year kiddies!

Ok, so this is going to be short and sweet, but here it is. I am asking all of you to challenge yourself. Having had a recent conversation with someone who is very dear to me, the topic of Sexual Superhero came up. Ok, maybe I came up with that and demanded her to create a Sexual Superhero. Why? Well it’s simple. Do you ever notice that you do the same thing over and over again, whether dating and/or in bed? Do you find yourself wishing to be more curious, but terrified to try? Do friends call you the prude of the group? Hell, have you not taken a good look at the equipment downstairs?

Well what are you waiting for? Become a Sexual Superhero!! And I mean, go out there and give yourself a challenge and do it! Now, I can say be a Dating Superhero, for those of you who would like to crawl before you walk. But it’s not hard to do. And here’s how. Everything that you have ever wanted to try, try. Anyone you have ever wanted to ask out, ask. Any place you have ever wanted to go, go. And position you have wanted to do, for heavens sake…DO IT!

The change you want to see in your life, whether in your relationships, bed, profession, family and friends, does not happen by those who sit on the sidelines. Get out there and do it. And make mistakes. Make tons of them. But when you do, learn from them. I am sooooo over the girls who keep saying “Aw, I keep ending up with the bad guy.” Or guys who say “Aw, I am so tired of dating psychos.” Guess what, it might not be them. It might be YOU! So change it! Do something different.

Finally, love HARD! The next time you have an amazing date, the next time you have a perfect moment, the next time you look in their eyes and can hear  Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” in the background, SAVOUR it. Think of it as the last date, the last moment, the last kiss, the last anything you may enjoy in life and ENJOY it! Remember, some people might not have that chance, but you do.

So make the year of the Dragon a fabulous year. Go out there, date, have fun, and enjoy every moment of it!

Now That’s a Disappointment

Now That’s a Disappointment

Yes. I have been gone for a while. And to be honest…I missed you! But I figure, for my 1st post since my little hiatus, I would give you something juicy. Ok, for all you straight men, you are going to want to stop reading, right about NOW!

There is nothing more delicious than the carnal anticipation of sex. And the anticipation of GREAT sex, well, that’s just sublime. So imagine my two, TWO let downs. Now, I in no way and commenting that I am the greatest sexual goddess since lube in the bedroom. But I am saying, well, if you get to ride the ride, I aim to leave you with a smile on your face. First off, this post will strike directly to the hearts, egos and crotch of every man who thinks he is “The S&*%”. Second, the idea that a man can make up for size with technique, I think I am officially putting that to bed…pun intended.

So, when you go out for a night on the town, looking hot and knowing it, you are bound to attract attention. Attention, we shall call him “The Kid”. Why “The Kid”? Because he was 7 years younger than me. Yea, I almost lost it. But hey, tall, handsome, great smile, killer outfit…I’m a sucker. I will say, the coolest move performed that night was by yours truly. After party drinks at his place and the jazz station on Pandora, I asked him to dance with me in his living room. It proved to be a helluva first kiss and you know how I feel about the young…they must be taught.

INSERT DISAPPOINTMENT: The size/height theory in men plays like this…Tall man, long…  Short man…well, you know. Any way, the young man, a good 6’0 caught me totally by surprise. He totally disproved my theory. Not that this hasn’t happened before, but good heavens, what do I do with you now?

30 Minutes Later….

After some of my best acting work since college, I playfully tell him that I am sad I could not do my coolest trick, popping my jaw out from its socket. To which he replied the beautiful unspoken truth of the night “We’re adults here, so let’s be honest. Not like I have anything worth you popping your jaw out for.” Truer words have never been spoken young man…

The second disappointment came from a third date. Again, young man (What the hell am I going to do with someone under 30?) Three fabulous dates, three awesome good bye kisses and the build up was kind of insane. I will say this, he has studied the art of great foreplay and I would proudly give him an “A”. However, call me a Size Snob if you want, I will freely admit to it. On the plus side, its good to see that some of the young are practicing good technique.

UPDATE: Do not fret young ones. Remember I said, there is nothing more sublime than the anticipation of GREAT sex. Well, color me sublimely happy and I guess that makes up for the immaturity of youth. So here is to a Happy New Years kiddies. Remember, if you are going to play, play safe and appreciate great sex, for it could be your last….until the next one…

Love in the dark?

Love in the dark?

I noticed something. And I am going to go so far as to say, that I am not the only person who does this. But I have a bit of performance anxiety when the lights are on. Meaning, I do some of my best work in the dark. Ironic, knowing that when I was a child my grandmother use to have this saying “Whatever you do in the dark, will come out in the light.” For some reason, you can call me a very mature child because I always thought it had something to do about sex. I mean, when I saw the scrambled Skin-a-Max channels, the actors were always in the dark. But later I found that it meant, what you think you can hide metaphorically in the dark, will always come out in the literal light.

For me, there is no metaphor, I am trying to hide myself in the dark. I could never understand it when I a guy says “Wait. I want to see you. Let me turn the lights on.” I kid you not, when I hear that, my heart leaps into my chest and I turn into Gizmo. You know. You can’t feed them after midnight and they aren’t suppose get direct light. At first I thought it was because I just never wanted someone to see the faces I make, because lets face it, no one ever makes “Sexy Faces”. But then I realized, its my body. Even when I lost over 40 lbs, I still remember thinking, “You sure as hell aint seeing my back fat.”

Now in truth ladies, when a guy gets to this point, they could really care less about what we look like. I am reminded of an episode of Nip/Tuck when the hot Dr Christian Troy has sex with a character played by Rosie O’ Donnell. And what does he do? He puts a paper bag over her head. They don’t really care. I mean, they care about the look that got us to the bedroom, but after that, the person putting the most pressure on our appearance is ourselves. And we are pathetic in our vanity, too. I present for the court, the secrets of The Female Sex Ninja:

  • One must always lay down on your back. This allows gravity to do its part, and thus make us look skinnier. 
  • One must always arch as far back as possible when on top. This gives the illusion that our breasts are perkier than they normally are. 
  • If one must turn over, you must do so in the utmost sexiest and fastest way. This prevents the long time gap of moving body fat over and thus making us look unattractive to our mate.
  • One must try to prevent noises from coming from our nether regions. (This needs no explanation)
  • One must practice the groans and sounds that come out of our mouth. This prevents us from sounding like we are in pain or a whining child, which will then freak your mate out if you do in fact have children. 
  • And finally, no matter how much we may like to, one must not attempt to re-create scenes from a porno. We are  not Jenna Jameson. Hell, she isn’t even Jenna Jameson.
So, are we wrong for feeling a little insecure? Of course not. But next time, dare yourself to keep the lights on for at least two minutes….while he’s in the bathroom. Hey, it still counts!
Mr Where Do You Think You’re Putting That Thing

Mr Where Do You Think You’re Putting That Thing

I have a slight addiction. No, not that…though I may need to seek help of some sort. But no, my addiction is to high heels. Because I wear heels so many of them, and not to mention they accentuate my 2nd best feature (you can guess what my best feature is), I have a natural tendency to be attracted to tall men. However, short men, and I preface this by saying shorter than me, find a large attraction to me. My thing is, I can love the package regardless, but if we go out and I am towering over you in my heels, I start to love the package a little less.
So when I went on a date with a handsome guy from Tennessee, I tried very hard to look past my theory on short men. Ok, so we all know this theory, and short guys you might not want to admit it being true. But it is said that the height of a man can parallel the short, um, length of his member. Hence my love for tall guys. Not to mention, what girl doesn’t like standing on her tippy toes to kiss a guy? Now when I say he was short, for a man, he was quite average. He was 5’8 (I’m 5’9 in heels), rugged country boy, killer smile and great taste in music. 
I was already a sucker when on our second date, dinner at his place, I realized that he lived in a cabin that overlooked The Great Smoky Mountains and had a hot tub on the patio. Yea, I was pretty much done. After an awesome dinner and a dip in the hot tub (did I mention there was a light snow fall?), the moment kind of wrapped us in a frenzy of hot sexual tension. Needless to say, we jumped out of the hot tub and ran straight to the enormous master bed. As I dried off, he slowly undressed, and then the most amazing thing happened. I was speechless. If you know me, you know how rare this is.  I sat on the bed, in actual awe and utter silence. 
Here stood before me, quite simply something I was so not letting get near me. He smirked and I looked at him and said “And where, sir, do you think you are putting that thing?” (Thus his name). “Yea. I get that reaction a lot.”, he said. Um, YA THINK?! Now ladies, I am sure we have all encountered something similar, or even something where you have been delightfully surprised. But there is a difference, a very large difference from surprise vs scared. As we began kissing, I tried very hard to actually put myself in a mental state as to prepare for what was about to happen.
Ok….I stretched, I ate something, I’m totally hydrated, WHAT THE HELL?? NO! No way! No how, is that THING going anywhere near Miss Twila. NO! I mean, talk about false advertising. Here is this attractive, quiet, SHORT country boy with Mustafa in his pants. I have heard of the short, white man urban legend, but I have always thought it to be an urban legend. Kind of like the black republican. But there he was, in the flesh. So I prepared myself, you can do this, you have a tattoo for crying out loud. How hard can it be? (pun intended)
To my amazement, it was awesome! The urban legend also leads you to believe that with great size, comes horrible technique. This was not the case with Mr Where Do You Think You’re Putting That Thing. We dated for about two months and had great sex. However, I did have to meditate before each encounter. I would like to say, that since then I have come across several men like him, happy large surprises. But alas, such has not been the case. But I will keep searching, hoping to find another urban legend like him and perhaps voting republican in the process.
Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life

Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life

I know I am not the only one to admit this. But there is always that one, ok…maybe two…people that you have had relations with, that you would rather forget the whole event ever happened. Not that the mood wasn’t there, the kissing wasn’t perfect or even that you didn’t look your best. Simply put, the sex sucked. And not in the,  the opening credits were crappy but the final scene was epic, kind of sucked. I mean, all together, the sex was just lousy.

Case in point with Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. I have referred to him as this because I will deny our ever having sex, let alone kissing, until the day that I die. I won’t tell you the details about how we first got to the bedroom, I will just tell you this, work sexual tension gives you false hope that the person flirting on the other end might be good in the sack.

So one night after work, we got together. The first sign of this sinking sexual Titanic, he was ok at kissing. Now I will say this, there are some men out there who have lost the fine art of kissing. I mean, melt your panties off, feel lightheaded, the room actually spinning and Oh My God I think I can have an orgasam, kind of kissing. Think of it this way, that should be your version of “This is Why You Should Sleep With Me” sales tactic, to get us in bed. I have stop stronger men in their tracks simply based on the fact that they were bad kissers.

But for some dumb reason, I let this minor major flaw slide. The clothes disappear, the “kissing” continues, and I am instantly bored. If you start your lovemaking by doing long division in your head, that’s a bad sign, right? Hell yea it is! But it’s kind of like ordering a drink out with friends and everyone deciding to leave early. You try your best to finish the drink off as fast as you can, not letting it go to waste, when there are times, you should just get your crap and go.

So I am sure you are wondering what made him Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. Well it was the Holy Trinity of Bad Sex: Lousy Kisser, Small Unit,  No Skills. Now I say this because having one or two of those things going wrong can still somewhat redeem you in the eyes of us ladies. Having them all go wrong, well, you run the risk of being laughed at by us and our girlfriends.

It was a few years later when one of my friends brought his name up. “Hey, didn’t you hook up with…” I stopped her mid sentence, looked her dead in the face and with every bit of Erica Cane soap opera acting conviction, I said to her…I’ve Never Slept With Him Before In My Life!

Mr Oh That’s So Cute

Mr Oh That’s So Cute

Ok, so this is the post that guys have been dreading, because it’s the size post. First, I will say this, size only matters when it comes to diamonds and leg room in First Class. However- in the bed room, size does have a, no pun intended, big factor.

The man in question had a crush on me for a little while, so we decided to go on a date. There was some sparks, some definite flirty-flirty, and it was nice. Getting back to his place he did the “Let me give you a massage” move. Note: You guys are so wrong for that. You know we melt every time. And of course, the move totally worked…let the makeout session begin. In truth he was a adorable, the total baby faced, sweet guy and I was smitten. So if the clothes came off, hey, it would be interesting to see what happens next.

As we make it to his room, the clothes magically disappeared and then it happened. Now I know I wear contacts, and it was late, my eyes might have been dry, but what I saw was real. The actual thought that went through my head was “Oh That’s So Cute”. I mean, it was like a cute little miniature surprise. It matched his cute personality, but it threw me off a bit. Now, what I have found in the past is that you should never judge. It has been this woman’s experience that men who may lack in size are experts in other areas. So as I chase out the internal laughs I got from Mr Oh That’s So Cute, we proceed…..

THREE MINUTES LATER….

He looks at me, somewhat sad and a little embarrassed. “Could we not tell anyone about this?”, he says. Are you serious? Not tell anyone? Not even my girls? I already had a mental list of the phone calls I was about to make. But I am a nice girl and I said nothing, until years later and until this post.

 I tell you all this sad tale for one reason and one reason only. Guys, if you know you are coming to the game a little short on practice and in gear, make sure you work on your conditioning and endurance. Now, let’s play ball!