The Sex Report Card

The Sex Report Card

I was a decent student. Math wasn’t my strong suit, and at times it would really screw up my GPA. But overall, I had good grades. And some years, your girl made the Honor Roll. I remember always having the same sense of dread when it was Report Card time. My stomach would turn into knots and the cold sweats would begin. But what I didn’t realize until I got to college was that, what’s done is done. You can’t go back and change your study habits or turn in extra work the day the Report Card comes in. You have to accept that you’ve done your best and now prepare to be judged accordingly.

One day, out of the blue, it hit me. What if we could have a Report Card, based on how we are in bed? Ok, hear me out, because I know I’m going to lose a lot of you. I like to think that I am pretty darn talented at certain things. My name means “Desire” for crying out loud. And I am WELL aware that most men think they are far superior in several areas of sex and dating. So what if, you were able to have your partner or former partners rate you? Get brutally honest feedback. Why, you ask? Because too many of us (yours truly included) give ourselves wayyyyy too much credit, when we need to look reality straight in its limp penis face and accept some hard truths. Plus, how can you get better if you don’t learn from your mistakes?


Here were my requirements and questions for my first ever Sex Report Card:

  • I would only ask men that I had slept with more than once. (Sorry, that one night stand might have been amazing for you, but there is a reason it happened once.)
  • If a guy was currently married, I would not have him participate. (Even if this is for the sake of research, I am not about to have a mad wife coming after me.)
  • As with all of my posts, all participants are anonymous. (But you know who you are ūüėČ

The questions were:

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed?
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed?
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again?

The grades came back from three Report Card evaluators. Answers have been paraphrased.  I present for your enjoyment, my Sex Report Card.

Report Card 1:

I have known this gentleman for 6 years. We had a great deal in common like travel and I became a fan of a totally new sport because of him. He always made me laugh and is still a good friend and mentor to this day.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You had really great oral skills, I always enjoyed that.¬†
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wasn’t a fan of choking you. What if you passed out and died? ūüôā
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 8
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes


Report Card 2:

This guy I have known for 7 years. I am a fan of any man that will kill a bottle of Jameson as quickly as I can. Not to mention his devotion to his job is admirable. We are still good friends.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You are tons of fun in bed when you don’t act like a princess.¬†
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I was afraid that I would hurt you when I chocked you. **
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 10
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes


Report Card 3:

I’m not going to lie when I say that this report card, was not only my favorite, but it was the most thorough. If it was possible for me to print his entire full written response, I would. I have known this man for over 10 years and he is always a constant surprise.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You’re very creative. I like that you are open to try anything.
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wish you swallowed. *
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? You are in my top 13% of women I have ever been with.
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

After re-reading part of his response, I feel the need to give a sample of his well written (if not highly ego boosting) reply to the Sex Report Card:

“It is always about the other person with Desiree. You as her partner just have to realize that you need to show her that same attention in return and not take advantage.”

Side Notes:

** I found it interesting that not only did two Report Cards say almost the same thing as a dislike, but another individual, who out of respect for me, decided not to do the full Report Card, mentioned it was something he didn’t like, as well. Who knew some men would get sensitive about a little autoerotic asphyxiation.

* I am at a loss that this was something I didn’t do with him, when in fact, I have done it before. Hmm?

At the end of the day, this very personal post was just as entertaining as it was eye opening. I’m grateful for their responses and the resulting conversations that we had afterwards. The point kiddlets, what YOU think you do well, may be something that you partner doesn’t enjoy. And in my case, something that I enjoy, may make your partner feel uncomfortable. This is where communication in and out of the bedroom is so important. So if my Report Card has taught you one thing (or many things that I enjoy), I hope that it is to be mindful of not only your needs, but you partners. And hey, if you REALLY want to know what others think about you, ask for your own Report Card.

I dare ya!




A Tale of Two Bumbles

A Tale of Two Bumbles

While I never encourage my readers to make the same mistake I did, I DO encourage you to enjoy the mistakes you do make…because they make for great material. I am a fan of dating apps. They are equal parts entertaining and depressing. Sprinkled with a bit of bizarre fascination that I have on the subject of dating, and you have the makings for an interesting social calendar. In the past two months, I have found two vastly different subjects on the matter. Both professional, both handsome, both head scratchingly at odds with my expectations. Perhaps that is the tragic irony, reality is far more disappointing than our imagination.

Bumble #1 was by far the most adorably kind of the two. I pulled out some player worthy moves with homemade dinner. Full disclosure: my steak could have been better, but the asparagus was on point. After a few glasses of pinot, and nice conversation, the night was coming to an end with a viewing of one of my favorite movies. Then, perhaps the nicest thing I could dare imagine on date occurred. He asked for permission to kiss me. You read that correctly, he ASKED!

The raging Type A Diva that I am loved everything about this. It was a great kiss and everything else to follow, was great. No seriously, it was great! The next day I must have said about five times to various girlfriends “He’s such a sweet guy.” or “He was such a gentleman.” Cut to my surprise days later when I…never…heard…from….him….again. No seriously…never. The “Good Guy” myth was forever blown out the water by the failed communication of its leader. While I don’t necessarily encourage sleeping with someone one on the first date (lol), I do make the rare exception. Apparently, this was one time I should have stuck with my better judgement..and never trust a man who does’nt drink.




Bumble #2 is part of a new class of men I have found a slight fascination with- The Young Ones. Eager to please, hopelessly optimistic. While I am proud to be a teacher in many respects, in others, I simply lack the patience. My grandmother once told me “Never love a man who roots for a rival team.” She was a die hard Dawg fan, and her wisdom rings true even today. Bumble #2’s winning quality was his ability to make me laugh. Bonus points: his access to Tequila. And as we all know, tequila has never done me wrong.

As I sit here today, I can’t put my finger on it…exactly. What was a miss? His saunter approach to kissing me? No- that was some “A” level kissing. Was it his youth? His charm? His ability to make me feel like the greatest inconvenience to his day? Or maybe, just maybe, his appeal didn’t match the version that I assumed I would meet. Hell, maybe it was an off day. We’ve all had them. The hair doesn’t lay right, none of your clothes look good, your penis isn’t working at its normal Spartan level of manliness.

The moral of the story is, sometimes the image we have of not only ourselves but of others, can be…wrong. The Good Guy may want to do inappropriate things with you, but never show you off in public because of your political views. And folly is lost on the Youth, and so is charm. Perhaps the wisest choice is to stick with the person who makes you smile, or at least makes you pause and enjoy the simple things. Like a slow dance on a sidewalk, in a small country town somewhere in Georgia.

Cougar-in-Training AKA The Little Engine That Could

Cougar-in-Training AKA The Little Engine That Could

I, am not prepared to write this article. Even as I see the words pouring out, I am in strong denial. Because for one, I am NOT a cougar. I am NOT that old? Am I? I mean, black don’t crack and I come from some amazing genes, and as I look 40 almost in the eye, I still think this old girl is holding up just fine.

It has always been my personal preference to date older men. My first real crush was a lifeguard who I fell madly in love with at the tender age of 9. (He was 18.) I use to say that there were three types of men I would never date: Republicans, Alabama fans and any man more than 3 years younger than me. I mean, what would we talk about? What would we have in common? If I make a reference about Blazing Saddles, would he get it?

Fast forward to today. ¬†I don’t know how to say this, but when he was born, I was….I was…13. THIRTEEN!!!! I could have been on an episode of “Teen Mom”. Dear Lord, there is a whole amazing decade of music that he doesn’t even know. I mean, he’s always had a cell phone. I remember not leaving the house without a quarter in case I needed to make a call.

But seriously, what am I doing? Who the heck do I think I am? A freakin gangsta that’s who!!! Here’s what I have learned so far in the land of the wild young stallions: every day has the true possibility of being a great, fun day. Their life is carefree and full of wonder. They aren’t jaded. They still have hope. HOPE! I’m pretty sure this is the type of change Obama wished for.

So we have few things in common. And sure I have consumed more alcohol this year than he has in his entire life. And, ok, we have very different views when it comes to politics and movies and sports and food. I forgot my point…..

Yes, my point is, why does it matter? The great philosopher, Aaliyah once said “Age ain’t nothin but a number, and a noun aint nothin but a thang.” Truer words have never been spoken. Do I know the course of my detour down Sesame Street? No. But what I do know is, that at my age who would have thought I would enjoy a rainy day in my pjs drinking craft beers and playing Mario Kart.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

The Numbers Don’t Lie

They say it’s never a good idea to compare your life to someone else. For that matter, it’s never a good idea to compare your list with someone else. And when I say list, I mean “The List”. Like any good Woman of the Now, I felt the need to look at my list and to, well, update it. And I have to say, I was¬†proud of my number. Not too high, not too low, but I would say, very respectful. But then I thought, what’s a good number? And for that matter, what’s a bad number?

I waited very late in life to have sex. A decision, I don’t regret and am happy with. It gave me time to really focus on important things and not have sex be, well, a distraction. However, you can say that I did make up for lost time. Still, the number is one that doesn’t make me blush and one that I would¬†proudly admit. (If you ask me in¬†private, of course) The biggest factor of the Numbers Game, are the years. When you look at your time in the field, how long were you¬†playing the game?

This conversation came up a few weeks ago and it made me realize, that everyone is different. And that’s ok. However it did make me wonder, would a number be more shocking if it were a woman’s or a man’s? To say that it sucks that there is still a double standard, is an understatement. And it sucks even more with this topic. Would a guy look at my number if I were a man and wonder my manliness, or would a woman look at my number and judge me for how many times I was “at bat”?



At the end of the day, you have to own up to your number. For one, you already did it, so you can’t take it back. And sure, you can lie about it, like you lie about your weight, or age, or credit score, but there is no changing it and you will always know the truth. The important thing is, you need to be happy with your number and as a friend of mine¬†pointed out, just be happy that the number increases, it means you’re doing something right. Or, maybe you should find a more constructive hobby.

I dare you to….

I dare you to….

I hate when someone says “I dare you to…”. I hate it for many reasons. The first, it kicks my only child mentality and need to¬†please into overdrive. “I’ve been given a challenge. I must do it now!”. Second, usually the dare is something that the darer knows that I will 100% do. So it’s not so much of a dare as it is “Let’s see her do this!” It’s entertaining for all and I can maintain my record of never turning down a dare. *

* If it causes me harm, is illegal in all Southern states or involves cats or Gin, I always say no.

But when it comes to the bedroom, I love a good dare. Scratch that. I almost demand it. ¬† For one, how will you ever know what you like and don’t like unless you try new things? I had a conversation with a friend recently and we talked about how she knew a guy that really only had one move. One move? Wasn’t that banned¬†pass the age of 16? I said “Why don’t you dare him to do something? Like, I dare you to kiss a¬†part of my body that has never been kissed.” *

*By far one of my favorites and I have yet to find a guy to actually do this accurately.

Think of it more like a challenge. Guys, when a girl dares you in bed, she actually has full faith that you can live up to the dare. She may also need you to spice things up a bit. This is your chance to surprise us. And not only that, we want you to give back. You got a girl who says she’s adventurous? Game on! But, remember, there must be rules to a good dare.

It should not cause¬†harm, it must be fun, it should be something you’ve never done and most importantly, it should be something that challenges you just as much as your¬†partner. So why not start 2014 with a bit of naughty Truth or Dare. Grab some slips of¬†paper, write done a few questions and dares, and just have fun! I’ll start…

“I dare you to send me a….”

Me and Ms Jones

Me and Ms Jones



If you are not a fan of “Sex and the City” or heaven forbid, you have never watched a single episode of the show, this post will be very boring and sadly you won’t find it hilarious like I do.

I have loved SATC ever since the very first episode. More over, I have loved the snarky PR goddess that is Samantha Jones ever since she bossed around her first waiter. Among my girlfriends and die-hard SATC fans I have often been told that I am Samantha in real life form. Over the years, I thought it was enjoyable. The similarities are pretty strong. We are both ballsy, both are in Public Relations, we both have no filter, we are the oldest woman in our circle of friends and of yeah…we are both very sexual people.

The older I got and the longer I watched the show, the more I took pride in my ebony Samantha lifestyle. But then a few years ago, I noticed something. Those same “friends” who would playfully say “Oh Desiree, you are soooo Samantha.” , were now judging me and using it against me. Wait. I’m sorry? What exactly is the problem again? It was ok when we were all single and looking for love and complaining about men, but now that you are in serious relationships, or married or dare I say it…a mommy…it’s not cool to be Samantha?

What’s even funnier is that there was a similar story line in SATC. Two of the women were married, one was working on a family, the other was a mom and finally Carrie had a some what stable relationship. And where was Samantha? Living her life, of course! Being her fabulous self! But more importantly, she was staying true to who she was.


Samantha and I are very similar. But it isn’t the sexual side that defines us. It’s the sticking it to the man, balls to the wall, make it work in a male driven society, hard as steel with a heart of gold side. It’s almost like defining me just as a black woman, when I am so much more than that. So I say to the other Samantha Jones’ of the world…SCREW EM! Raise a glass to your strength, your vulnerability, your honesty and your wit. And then one day, one magically fabulous day, you will find a man worthy enough of our very important time. Now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting, Pilates and a fireman to do.

Things Guys Like to Hear in Bed

Things Guys Like to Hear in Bed

This is a public service announcement. Guys we know your dirty little secret and it’s about time that I spill the beans. You are all magnificent and wonderful Gods in bed.

Lol. I know right?! They think we say that about them. Ok, ok. Let me clean up my computer screen. As you all know, I have taken my sexual hiatus very seriously. Oh crap, now I have to clean the screen again. Right. Let me start over.

It came to my attention that men seem to respond very well when they hear the right things in bed. Like a mother encouraging their child to do good in school based on past accomplishments, men take that same since of positive motivation to do better in bed. Here’s the problem. They don’t have the imagination that we do. Women believe in all that wistful bull shit that has made 50 Shades of F*&ing Grey so popular. Men are simple creatures. Now I am not saying we need to create stick figure signs and hold them up when a guy is doing his part to fertilize your lady bits, but here are few lines that should get his attention, and hopefully a more focused sexual partner.

Warning: I may or may not have said these, like 100 times. 

  • “Ohhhh” (insert name)– This is the gold standard and should be used often. Not because you forgot his name, but it’s a great way to remind yourself who is in your bed, not to mention, it reminds you not to scream out the name of the guy you are thinking about in your head.
  • “Yeaaaaaaa”- From the greek word “Yes” meaning “Don’t Stop”. This is highly effective when the young scout has gone on a southern expedition and has come to the perfect fork in the road.
  • “That was amazing”- Ok. I will admit. If I have ever said this, I lied. Guys, that’s the point. If ANY girl has said this, she is lying. If it was really amazing, she isn’t going to say anything. She is going to lie there like a whipped mound of jelly and convulse when you do so much as touch her hair. But hey, if hearing it makes you feel good about yourself, by all means champ, enjoy!
  • “You are the best”- See above
  • “I’ve never done that before”- This should only be used when you have pulled out some secret Jenna Jameson tantric crap that makes HIM lie in bed like a whipped mound of jelly. Trust me, you both will be very proud of yourself.
  • “Oh God”- Whatever your religious belief, there is nothing more powerful than bringing the lord in bed with you. Now, be careful with this. With great words comes great responsibility and when you start throwin around the lawds name, guys start thinking they are doing alllll the right moves. And let’s be honest, if you are gonna scream that, you need to make sure he actually did something deserving. Like put the toilet seat down post coitus. And finally….
  • “Of course I came”– Ok, this makes me giggle. For some reason, guys need that extra reassurance that we enjoyed their efforts. The key to this statement is making it believable. It’s called acting. So you want to be convincing. Think Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”. But like the above statement, if you use it too often, they will start to get suspicious. And nothing ruins sex then a doubtful partner worrying about his self worth…and who is going to get up and grab the towel.