2019- The Year of “Don’t Repeat”

2019- The Year of “Don’t Repeat”

I can’t stand New Year’s Resolution. Full disclosure, because I can never keep them. Who can? You make grand plans to stick by a resolution and by mid-January, you realize that that pound cake won’t eat its self. So instead of resolutions I try what I like to call “Don’t Repeat”.

Rather than a goal or a resolution I want to keep but know I won’t, I focus on things that brought me no joy or success and focus on not repeating them. The classic “Learning from Ones Mistakes” mantra.  I’ll admit, I am the Queen of screwups. And I wear my mistakes with a badge of honor. But even someone like myself has to stop and make an effort to not make the same mistakes again, hence “Don’t Repeat”.

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So if you are like me, and need a checklist to get you into 2019, might I suggest my list of 2019 “Don’t Repeats”

  • Tinder Dinner Dates- Sure, it gets you out of the house and yea, it’s a free meal. But it’s never just dinner, and it’s never worthwhile in the end. Let’s just say “Wanna meet for a drink and maybe make out?” I mean, let’s put the rules of the game out there before we enter the field.

 

  • Concern for your Ex- Yes, you have a civil relationship with them. There is no following on Social Media or even a saved phone number. And maybe they went through a hurricane. That doesn’t mean you have to be the one who reaches out because you were “concerned”. You’re not. Not really at least. You want to know that THEY know the f*&^ed up. Surprise, surprise…they still don’t

 

  • Looking Cute for Others- BITCH!!!!! Make the winged liner as strong as your personality and as sharp as your tongue for no one else, but yo DAMN self! Trust me…it won’t go unnoticed!

 

  • Cheating on Your Expectations- Earlier in the year I talked about how a friend was trying to set me up. When she asked me what I was looking for in a guy, I gave her a rather detailed top 5. She thought it was shocking and for a moment, I  began to doubt whether those things were really necessary. Then it hit me. If I had found any guy in 2018 remotely close to the characteristics in my top 5, I wouldn’t still be looking. This isn’t to say that my expectations are high, but I know what I want. And in 2019, rather than thinking what you are looking for isn’t realistic, ask yourself if it’s realistic to waste your time on what you AREN’T looking for.

 

  • Losing Sight on Me- Ladies, we all do it. We meet that guy, we click, we start dating and then we morph into another person. We know we’re doing it. Our friends, family and co-workers see that we’re doing it? But why? What do we get out of it, except an emergency trip to our therapist on New Year’s Eve. We know what makes us great. And we also know what makes us a hot F*&^ing mess! So why not accept that and accept that the person who will ultimately be your right match will love both…equally. Let’s stop playing the charade of the perfect hostess, the girl who’s eyebrows always match or the super excited hockey fan (Bitch, you know we ain’t ever been to a hockey game). Instead let’s take this kick ass chick into 2019 ready to make mistakes, learn from them, kiss a lot of frogs, meet a prince, challenge herself, fight for what she deserves and changes the attitudes of others around her with her smile. It’s not impossible, so let’s show the world how it’s done!
What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

I love my friends. I love that they try to so hard to see me happy. Whether it’s in my professional life or my personal life, they go to great lengths to see me happy. One such friend however, decided to do the thing I hate the most….set me up on a date. I was recently talking to a newly engaged co-worker who asked me what I was looking for a in a man. These two situations had me thinking, “What DO I want in a man?”

When I was in college, I wrote a list of 100 things I wanted in a Dream Guy. My thought was, he really would be the perfect guy for me, if he had all 100 things that I wrote on my list. Over the next few years, I would go back and look at that list. Mainly in horror at what I thought was a NEED. But mostly out of amazement, that my needs changed drastically.

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Just like our palette, fashion sense and choice of movies, we get older and our needs change. 21 year old Desiree was so focused on what she wanted from a guy. But a few years older, a divorce, a few breakups and one heart ache, my needs have definitely changed. So to answer the question asked by several of my well meaning friends, here’s what I need in a guy…my top 5 requirements.

  1. Laughter- I am funny. No seriously, I am. Hilarious. I’m silly, goofy, slightly inappropriate and sarcastic AF. That kind of humor is not for everyone. When I think about guys from my past what sticks out about several of them, was their ability to make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine and in some cases, the best way to end and argument. For me, if you can make me laugh, it means you don’t take yourself (or me) too seriously. It says, you’re up for an adventure and fun.
  2. Chemistry- Let’s be honest. There has to be a spark. And I hate to admit it, but I get bored easily. If two people don’t have chemistry, what will be the thing that keeps the passion going? I’m not saying that I need to see you walk in the door and jump you before you cross the floor. What I am saying is, you should feel that butterfly in your stomach whenever you see me, because I assure you, I will feel the same.
  3. Height- I know this is random but it’s a big physical thing for me. I wear heels. High heel shoes, heeled boots and I may own a few pair of Louboutin’s. I NEED you to be taller than me. For one, pictures are so awkward when you’re not. Two, heels or not, if I look down to kiss you I feel like an odd freak of nature. Every girl loves the feeling of standing on her tippy toes to kiss a guy. That, and I believe  the guy equivalent of girls doing creative shots to hide their weight, are guys showing photos of themselves sitting in cars. No sir, I need to see you standing next to a small elephant!
  4. Education- I recently went on a date with a sweet young gent. When he asked me how my day was, I replied that it was fine, but that I did have some H.R. stuff to deal with, which is never fun. His reply was “What’s H.R?” Now I’m not saying that you need a Harvard education, what I am saying is, you need to be able to have an educated and insightful conversation with me. And again, let me stress, an intelligent conversation can be anything. I can just as easily debate the need for universal health care as I can why the “ManBearPig” episode of South Park is stellar television.
  5. Passion- At first glance, I’m sure you’re thinking I mean in the bedroom. Well…that too. But I mean more than physical passion. I have dated men who were passionate about comics, the environment, their children or the military. Their passion was evident in everything they did and believed in. It was a part of what made me fall for them. Passion is about having that unyielding dedication to someone or something. Something to believe in. Something to fight for. In any good relationship, you want someone to believe in you and you want someone who will fight for you. What you need is a man with passion.

Looking at this very small list, makes me wonder what college aged Desiree would think. Would you she laugh at what I consider are my top needs? Or would she argue that “Keanu Reeves” is still a valid requirement for the perfect guy. Not a guy LIKE Keanu, I meant, Keanu himself. Either way, sometimes what we need to do is think long and hard about what it is that we may NEED in a partner. Often times, it speaks to what we are lacking in ourselves.

D.T.F

D.T.F

I believe it was the wise sage, DJ Pauly D, who first uttered the words”D.T.F”. The term which explains the state in which one is ready to participate in intercourse, is a common lingo found around bars, clubs and drunk frat houses. However, I’ve recently found it commonplace in another arena- online dating.

I am shocked…no…AMAZED…at how many matches from both Tinder and Bumble will go from the “Hello. How are you?” to the “Wanna screw?” And some, don’t even address you. As one fine gent did this morning…at 1:35 am. I immediately unmatched with him, but it made me wonder. Yes, these apps do offer a significant ease to finding someone to sleep with, but that’s not their only purpose. And if they are, at least for the user, could you pretend to be cordial and ask my last name before you ask to see my ladybox?

For some odd reason, I have a greater respect for the guys in the shirtless bathroom selfies, who blatantly put in their profile “On vacation/looking for fun/aim to please/coffee and dog lover”. At least you’re making your intentions known, even before the left swipe. Though I have fallen victim to the hot guy who’s profile I didn’t read at first. That’s always a fun awkward conversation.

Him: So you read my profile?

Me: *reads profile in horror* Um, yea. Interesting.

Him: So you free tonight?

Me: *unmatches*

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you want to have great sex. Maybe even great “Lose my number” sex. But thats a sometimes and not an all the time. And it’s certainly not something I or most women lead with. I guess my curiosity or frustrations lie in how many women these overly enthusiastic men think they will gain from that type of response? Sure, you will have the one female who may bite, and I am in no way knocking her. Do you, Boo Boo. Do you. But I hate to bring up the age old double standard….if a woman lead with a similar profile, what would guys think?

In the end, dating apps are our currently reality. They may not be perfect and I am sure in no way serve their originally designed purpose. But can we ALL agree to use some…etiquette, when it comes to approaching the topic of sex. For one, ask me out on a date? And no, you can’t ask me through Snapchat…here’s my number. Two, let’s ACTUALLY meet for said date. And IF, there is a chemistry, perhaps there will be sex. If not, I’m leaving you the bill for my two Jameson’s and deleting your number as well as your profile from my life…forever!

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The Last Great….

The Last Great….

After a chain of recent hilarious events, I’ve found myself thinking a lot of “The Last Great”…

When you look back at your dating life….the good, the bad, or potentially questionable, if you’re like me, there are a few bright shining moments. I like to call them “The Last Great…”. Whether it was the last great kiss, date, dance or romance, the collection of ray of hopeful sunshine moments from your dating history is enough to remind us all, that  your future romance is out there. And maybe more “Last Greats…” will lead to your “First Real…”.

“The Last Great Kiss”

I wrote an article about this particular kiss a while back. A first date, which lead to a walk around my lovely little hometown, and a kiss that seemed to last forever. What made it “The Last Great Kiss” was simple, I haven’t felt that kind of connection since that kiss. And I’m not talking about a sexual connection, it was something deeper than that. And it felt REAL. It’s funny how we take for granted things that aren’t in front of us, or are on our cell phones and laptops. I mean a connection where it’s just you and the person in front of you. And even if that moment never turns into a relationship, “The Last Great Kiss” was a real moment, and one I will always enjoy.

“The Last Great Morning”

I love New Orleans. I have a few sad but mostly amazing memories there. One of my favorite memories, was “The Last Great Morning” I had with a guy I dated a few years back. We got to sleep in late, something I rarely ever do. It was one of those rainy mornings in NOLA and after a pretty late night the evening before, all I needed was coffee. What I got, was a living room filed with small little white lights, John Coltrane playing in the background and freshly pressed coffee. Oh, did I mention my BF at the time was in the kitchen making the most amazing cheese crepes. We spent the rest of the morning listening to jazz, cuddled on the couch, with the NOLA rain in the background. I haven’t had another morning like that since…

 

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“The Last Great Phone Call”

This is going to seem like a random one, but hear me out. Years ago, before Snapchat and FaceTime, and wayyyyyyy before cell phones and Instant Messaging, guys and girls would spend hours on the phone talking. It’s how you knew you had a real connection and it’s also how you knew a guy really liked you. Fast forward to about 30 years later and those days are long gone. Even I have to admit, I’m not a fan of long phone calls and I’d much rather text than talk, but this guy got me on a special evening. And our phone call lasted 3 hours. We both had to work the next morning but that didn’t seem to bother either of us. We talked about everything under the sun and daydreamed about cozy warm cabins in the North Georgia mountains. We had a great first/only date which also provided some lovely moments. Every once in a while, I think about that call. I wonder what a night in the mountains would be like with a handsome, motorcycle riding, blog writing gentleman who doesn’t drink. Well, maybe my charm, a fireplace and a 30 year old scotch can change that.

“The Last Great Sex”

Let’s be honest, this is the one you all came here for. And it’s the one I’ve had the hardest time trying to pin down. Mainly because there are several gents who will read this thinking it’s them. For all of you curious handsome guys, I do apologize. Originally, I wanted to write this entire article about “The Last Great Sex” and though there has been some great, good, amazing sex in the past few years, I pondered something else. Am I really talking about the last great sex act or something more? And to be honest, I AM talking about something more. I’ve spoken about connection a few times in this article and I really feel that’s what “The Last Great Sex” is about…Connection.  Great sex can be great because of chemistry, music, carnal matching, the perfect thread count and countless other reasons. And while you know I am never one to NOT gossip about great sex, if what I am speaking on is the “The Last Great Sexual Connection”, then my dear reader, I have to be honest…it hasn’t happened yet.

So with that said, and to whomever is reading this pondering if it WAS him, take comfort in knowing…you gave me a great reference point for finding my “The Last Great”. And check back again kiddlets, because I’m sure it will be a great story to tell!

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

I love to drink. I enjoy a good single malt. A delicious Old Fashioned and an amazing tequila. Because of these things, I find that enjoying libations is a big thing for me when it comes to finding the right guy to date. Must love dogs? No. Must love Macallan!

I came across a series of videos called “Truth or Drink- Couples”. The video made me laugh but also made me wonder about doing the challenge myself. It’s simple. Couples have a series of questions that they must answer. If a person refuses to answer, they have to drink. Now, please understand, I will choose “Drink” anytime, along with “Truth”. But what I do enjoy about the challenge is what a person feels they shouldn’t reveal to their partner.

So here is MY list of Truth or Drink. I look forward to doing the challenge one day and filling you all in on the results!

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  1. What is the last thing you said to your ex and when was it?
  2. What do your parents REALLY think of me?
  3. What does your best friend REALLY think of me?
  4. What one thing about my physical appearance would you change?
  5. Was I the best sex you ever had?
  6. If we were to break up today, who’s fault would it be?
  7. Which one of my friends would you sleep with?
  8. What is something I love that you hate?
  9. If you could re-do our first date, what would you change?
  10. If you were given $10,000 to dump me, would you?

 

Try these little gems out and tell me all about it. I know I will…with a bottle of Jameson and an evening of hilarity!

 

 

The Playlist

The Playlist

I’m a singer by nature, or birth, or however you want to call it. My mother is a singer, my uncle plays drums, my grandmother was a pianist, my grandfather was a pretty famous jazz musician, and I’m the grandniece of a famous jazz pianist. Music is my life.  Because music plays a big part in my genetic makeup, it also plays a big part in my dating life.

Whenever I’m in relationship with someone, I find that I get to a point where a certain song embodies that person and our relationship. Sadly, when the relationship ends, that song becomes one of the many things that I must cast aside in order to heal and move on.  However, there are some  that stay sacred just to me because they are part of “The Playlist.”

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I don’t know about you, but there are some songs that are just your go-to mood enhancers. I enjoy a variety of them for different dating reasons. A great song to cook in the kitchen on a date. The song that plays in the car during your first kiss. The ultimate song for when you both climax. I feel that it is my musical duty to educate you, my dear reader, on a few songs that I have found helpful in different situations. Perhaps this will be a musical education for some of you, but at the end of the day, I hope the music gives you the same joy that I received!

First Kiss:

“I’m Kissing You” by Des’ree: This may seem like an obvious choice because it says the action in the title and the artist name is similar to mine. And I may be showing my age by picking a song off the 1996 “Romeo + Juliet” Soundtrack, but I don’t care. Her voice is so soulful and painfully beautiful, that if you aren’t able to grab a woman’s face and kiss her till her toes curl, then I have failed as a person.

Netflix and Chill:

“Comfortable” by Matt Cusson: This is a cover of the amazing John Mayer song. (Don’t worry, John’s on this playlist). To me, it feels like the perfect lazy Sunday song, where you are both wrapped in a blanket, binging STRANGER THINGS. After about three episodes and your toes playing footsie, this song allows you to move into a nice, subtle make-out session.

Kitchen Romance:

“Samba de Bencao” by Bebel Gilberto: I have an entire Bebel Gilberto station that is my go-to for when I’m in the kitchen. And if you haven’t had a date where you both are cooking together, I highly recommend it. I heard this song for the first time on the “Eat, Pray, Love” soundtrack and instantly fell in love. I mean, it’s in Portueguese, how sexy is that?

Slow Dance Under the Stars:

“Like a Star” by Corinne Bailey Rae: Guys, if you want to pull out some high level romantic crap, but don’t know what to do….stop the car on a starry night, play this song and slow dance with your girl. It just may get you out of any argument that you may have in the next 30 days. Honorable Mention: There is an amazing version of this song with Corinne, John Mayer and John Legend. I mean…come on!!!!

Get Naked:

“The Beautiful Ones” by Prince: Ok, I KNOW I am showing my age with this one. But seriously, if Prince isn’t somewhere on your playlist, then you obviously don’t know music. I sometimes like to take my time from the make-out to the actual bed action. (Shut up…I do!) When I do, I truly enjoy the moment where you are both so into each other and just want it to last a bit longer before you get to business. In that moment, it’s just you, that special someone and Prince. If you both aren’t naked by 3:25, you soon will be!

Shower Time:

“Gravity-Live” by John Mayer: Screw all you John Mayer haters…seriously! Whether it’s post coitus or you just want to be super sexy, taking a shower together can be hot as all hell. Before you get the suds going, you’re gonna want to crank up this song. It needs to be the LIVE version, though. The music nerd in me goes nuts for the guitar solo at the end, and you will too!

Good Morning:

“Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band: DMB has some great songs that will get you in the mood, that I feel are often overlooked. This is a great song to gently wake up to the person next to and grab into the perfect spooning position. Warning: If you need to kick someone out of bed ALA “Coyote Ugly” do NOT play this song!

Until Next Time or The Walk of Shame:

“Glory Box” by Portishead: I’m old, we get it! This has been a favorite of mine since I heard it on “The Craft” soundtrack. Whether you’re kissing each other goodbye and planning your next date, or you’re putting on your Jager drenched dress driving down 75 to make it home, this is the perfect song for you. Just to bring it full circle and current, Alessia Cara sampled this song in her record “Here”. Don’t worry, either version will work.

Honorable Mentions:

Remember when I said I had some songs that I had to cast aside because the relationship ended. Hopefully, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you can get to the point in your life when you can listen to them again. Here are a few of mine that I am happy to see back in my playlist. And for the guys these songs are related to, thank you for giving me those good memories!

“Come Live With Me” by Ray Charles

“I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by Sleeping At Last

“See You Tonight” by Scotty McCreery

“Harvest Moon” by Neil Young

“No One Else” by Amel Larrieux

“Cupid” by 112

The Sex Report Card

The Sex Report Card

I was a decent student. Math wasn’t my strong suit, and at times it would really screw up my GPA. But overall, I had good grades. And some years, your girl made the Honor Roll. I remember always having the same sense of dread when it was Report Card time. My stomach would turn into knots and the cold sweats would begin. But what I didn’t realize until I got to college was that, what’s done is done. You can’t go back and change your study habits or turn in extra work the day the Report Card comes in. You have to accept that you’ve done your best and now prepare to be judged accordingly.

One day, out of the blue, it hit me. What if we could have a Report Card, based on how we are in bed? Ok, hear me out, because I know I’m going to lose a lot of you. I like to think that I am pretty darn talented at certain things. My name means “Desire” for crying out loud. And I am WELL aware that most men think they are far superior in several areas of sex and dating. So what if, you were able to have your partner or former partners rate you? Get brutally honest feedback. Why, you ask? Because too many of us (yours truly included) give ourselves wayyyyy too much credit, when we need to look reality straight in its limp penis face and accept some hard truths. Plus, how can you get better if you don’t learn from your mistakes?

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Here were my requirements and questions for my first ever Sex Report Card:

  • I would only ask men that I had slept with more than once. (Sorry, that one night stand might have been amazing for you, but there is a reason it happened once.)
  • If a guy was currently married, I would not have him participate. (Even if this is for the sake of research, I am not about to have a mad wife coming after me.)
  • As with all of my posts, all participants are anonymous. (But you know who you are 😉

The questions were:

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed?
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed?
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again?

The grades came back from three Report Card evaluators. Answers have been paraphrased.  I present for your enjoyment, my Sex Report Card.

Report Card 1:

I have known this gentleman for 6 years. We had a great deal in common like travel and I became a fan of a totally new sport because of him. He always made me laugh and is still a good friend and mentor to this day.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You had really great oral skills, I always enjoyed that. 
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wasn’t a fan of choking you. What if you passed out and died? 🙂
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 8
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

 

Report Card 2:

This guy I have known for 7 years. I am a fan of any man that will kill a bottle of Jameson as quickly as I can. Not to mention his devotion to his job is admirable. We are still good friends.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You are tons of fun in bed when you don’t act like a princess. 
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I was afraid that I would hurt you when I chocked you. **
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 10
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

 

Report Card 3:

I’m not going to lie when I say that this report card, was not only my favorite, but it was the most thorough. If it was possible for me to print his entire full written response, I would. I have known this man for over 10 years and he is always a constant surprise.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You’re very creative. I like that you are open to try anything.
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wish you swallowed. *
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? You are in my top 13% of women I have ever been with.
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

After re-reading part of his response, I feel the need to give a sample of his well written (if not highly ego boosting) reply to the Sex Report Card:

“It is always about the other person with Desiree. You as her partner just have to realize that you need to show her that same attention in return and not take advantage.”

Side Notes:

** I found it interesting that not only did two Report Cards say almost the same thing as a dislike, but another individual, who out of respect for me, decided not to do the full Report Card, mentioned it was something he didn’t like, as well. Who knew some men would get sensitive about a little autoerotic asphyxiation.

* I am at a loss that this was something I didn’t do with him, when in fact, I have done it before. Hmm?

At the end of the day, this very personal post was just as entertaining as it was eye opening. I’m grateful for their responses and the resulting conversations that we had afterwards. The point kiddlets, what YOU think you do well, may be something that you partner doesn’t enjoy. And in my case, something that I enjoy, may make your partner feel uncomfortable. This is where communication in and out of the bedroom is so important. So if my Report Card has taught you one thing (or many things that I enjoy), I hope that it is to be mindful of not only your needs, but you partners. And hey, if you REALLY want to know what others think about you, ask for your own Report Card.

I dare ya!