D.T.F

D.T.F

I believe it was the wise sage, DJ Pauly D, who first uttered the words”D.T.F”. The term which explains the state in which one is ready to participate in intercourse, is a common lingo found around bars, clubs and drunk frat houses. However, I’ve recently found it commonplace in another arena- online dating.

I am shocked…no…AMAZED…at how many matches from both Tinder and Bumble will go from the “Hello. How are you?” to the “Wanna screw?” And some, don’t even address you. As one fine gent did this morning…at 1:35 am. I immediately unmatched with him, but it made me wonder. Yes, these apps do offer a significant ease to finding someone to sleep with, but that’s not their only purpose. And if they are, at least for the user, could you pretend to be cordial and ask my last name before you ask to see my ladybox?

For some odd reason, I have a greater respect for the guys in the shirtless bathroom selfies, who blatantly put in their profile “On vacation/looking for fun/aim to please/coffee and dog lover”. At least you’re making your intentions known, even before the left swipe. Though I have fallen victim to the hot guy who’s profile I didn’t read at first. That’s always a fun awkward conversation.

Him: So you read my profile?

Me: *reads profile in horror* Um, yea. Interesting.

Him: So you free tonight?

Me: *unmatches*

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you want to have great sex. Maybe even great “Lose my number” sex. But thats a sometimes and not an all the time. And it’s certainly not something I or most women lead with. I guess my curiosity or frustrations lie in how many women these overly enthusiastic men think they will gain from that type of response? Sure, you will have the one female who may bite, and I am in no way knocking her. Do you, Boo Boo. Do you. But I hate to bring up the age old double standard….if a woman lead with a similar profile, what would guys think?

In the end, dating apps are our currently reality. They may not be perfect and I am sure in no way serve their originally designed purpose. But can we ALL agree to use some…etiquette, when it comes to approaching the topic of sex. For one, ask me out on a date? And no, you can’t ask me through Snapchat…here’s my number. Two, let’s ACTUALLY meet for said date. And IF, there is a chemistry, perhaps there will be sex. If not, I’m leaving you the bill for my two Jameson’s and deleting your number as well as your profile from my life…forever!

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The Last Great….

The Last Great….

After a chain of recent hilarious events, I’ve found myself thinking a lot of “The Last Great”…

When you look back at your dating life….the good, the bad, or potentially questionable, if you’re like me, there are a few bright shining moments. I like to call them “The Last Great…”. Whether it was the last great kiss, date, dance or romance, the collection of ray of hopeful sunshine moments from your dating history is enough to remind us all, that  your future romance is out there. And maybe more “Last Greats…” will lead to your “First Real…”.

“The Last Great Kiss”

I wrote an article about this particular kiss a while back. A first date, which lead to a walk around my lovely little hometown, and a kiss that seemed to last forever. What made it “The Last Great Kiss” was simple, I haven’t felt that kind of connection since that kiss. And I’m not talking about a sexual connection, it was something deeper than that. And it felt REAL. It’s funny how we take for granted things that aren’t in front of us, or are on our cell phones and laptops. I mean a connection where it’s just you and the person in front of you. And even if that moment never turns into a relationship, “The Last Great Kiss” was a real moment, and one I will always enjoy.

“The Last Great Morning”

I love New Orleans. I have a few sad but mostly amazing memories there. One of my favorite memories, was “The Last Great Morning” I had with a guy I dated a few years back. We got to sleep in late, something I rarely ever do. It was one of those rainy mornings in NOLA and after a pretty late night the evening before, all I needed was coffee. What I got, was a living room filed with small little white lights, John Coltrane playing in the background and freshly pressed coffee. Oh, did I mention my BF at the time was in the kitchen making the most amazing cheese crepes. We spent the rest of the morning listening to jazz, cuddled on the couch, with the NOLA rain in the background. I haven’t had another morning like that since…

 

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“The Last Great Phone Call”

This is going to seem like a random one, but hear me out. Years ago, before Snapchat and FaceTime, and wayyyyyyy before cell phones and Instant Messaging, guys and girls would spend hours on the phone talking. It’s how you knew you had a real connection and it’s also how you knew a guy really liked you. Fast forward to about 30 years later and those days are long gone. Even I have to admit, I’m not a fan of long phone calls and I’d much rather text than talk, but this guy got me on a special evening. And our phone call lasted 3 hours. We both had to work the next morning but that didn’t seem to bother either of us. We talked about everything under the sun and daydreamed about cozy warm cabins in the North Georgia mountains. We had a great first/only date which also provided some lovely moments. Every once in a while, I think about that call. I wonder what a night in the mountains would be like with a handsome, motorcycle riding, blog writing gentleman who doesn’t drink. Well, maybe my charm, a fireplace and a 30 year old scotch can change that.

“The Last Great Sex”

Let’s be honest, this is the one you all came here for. And it’s the one I’ve had the hardest time trying to pin down. Mainly because there are several gents who will read this thinking it’s them. For all of you curious handsome guys, I do apologize. Originally, I wanted to write this entire article about “The Last Great Sex” and though there has been some great, good, amazing sex in the past few years, I pondered something else. Am I really talking about the last great sex act or something more? And to be honest, I AM talking about something more. I’ve spoken about connection a few times in this article and I really feel that’s what “The Last Great Sex” is about…Connection.  Great sex can be great because of chemistry, music, carnal matching, the perfect thread count and countless other reasons. And while you know I am never one to NOT gossip about great sex, if what I am speaking on is the “The Last Great Sexual Connection”, then my dear reader, I have to be honest…it hasn’t happened yet.

So with that said, and to whomever is reading this pondering if it WAS him, take comfort in knowing…you gave me a great reference point for finding my “The Last Great”. And check back again kiddlets, because I’m sure it will be a great story to tell!

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

I love to drink. I enjoy a good single malt. A delicious Old Fashioned and an amazing tequila. Because of these things, I find that enjoying libations is a big thing for me when it comes to finding the right guy to date. Must love dogs? No. Must love Macallan!

I came across a series of videos called “Truth or Drink- Couples”. The video made me laugh but also made me wonder about doing the challenge myself. It’s simple. Couples have a series of questions that they must answer. If a person refuses to answer, they have to drink. Now, please understand, I will choose “Drink” anytime, along with “Truth”. But what I do enjoy about the challenge is what a person feels they shouldn’t reveal to their partner.

So here is MY list of Truth or Drink. I look forward to doing the challenge one day and filling you all in on the results!

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  1. What is the last thing you said to your ex and when was it?
  2. What do your parents REALLY think of me?
  3. What does your best friend REALLY think of me?
  4. What one thing about my physical appearance would you change?
  5. Was I the best sex you ever had?
  6. If we were to break up today, who’s fault would it be?
  7. Which one of my friends would you sleep with?
  8. What is something I love that you hate?
  9. If you could re-do our first date, what would you change?
  10. If you were given $10,000 to dump me, would you?

 

Try these little gems out and tell me all about it. I know I will…with a bottle of Jameson and an evening of hilarity!

 

 

The Playlist

The Playlist

I’m a singer by nature, or birth, or however you want to call it. My mother is a singer, my uncle plays drums, my grandmother was a pianist, my grandfather was a pretty famous jazz musician, and I’m the grandniece of a famous jazz pianist. Music is my life.  Because music plays a big part in my genetic makeup, it also plays a big part in my dating life.

Whenever I’m in relationship with someone, I find that I get to a point where a certain song embodies that person and our relationship. Sadly, when the relationship ends, that song becomes one of the many things that I must cast aside in order to heal and move on.  However, there are some  that stay sacred just to me because they are part of “The Playlist.”

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I don’t know about you, but there are some songs that are just your go-to mood enhancers. I enjoy a variety of them for different dating reasons. A great song to cook in the kitchen on a date. The song that plays in the car during your first kiss. The ultimate song for when you both climax. I feel that it is my musical duty to educate you, my dear reader, on a few songs that I have found helpful in different situations. Perhaps this will be a musical education for some of you, but at the end of the day, I hope the music gives you the same joy that I received!

First Kiss:

“I’m Kissing You” by Des’ree: This may seem like an obvious choice because it says the action in the title and the artist name is similar to mine. And I may be showing my age by picking a song off the 1996 “Romeo + Juliet” Soundtrack, but I don’t care. Her voice is so soulful and painfully beautiful, that if you aren’t able to grab a woman’s face and kiss her till her toes curl, then I have failed as a person.

Netflix and Chill:

“Comfortable” by Matt Cusson: This is a cover of the amazing John Mayer song. (Don’t worry, John’s on this playlist). To me, it feels like the perfect lazy Sunday song, where you are both wrapped in a blanket, binging STRANGER THINGS. After about three episodes and your toes playing footsie, this song allows you to move into a nice, subtle make-out session.

Kitchen Romance:

“Samba de Bencao” by Bebel Gilberto: I have an entire Bebel Gilberto station that is my go-to for when I’m in the kitchen. And if you haven’t had a date where you both are cooking together, I highly recommend it. I heard this song for the first time on the “Eat, Pray, Love” soundtrack and instantly fell in love. I mean, it’s in Portueguese, how sexy is that?

Slow Dance Under the Stars:

“Like a Star” by Corinne Bailey Rae: Guys, if you want to pull out some high level romantic crap, but don’t know what to do….stop the car on a starry night, play this song and slow dance with your girl. It just may get you out of any argument that you may have in the next 30 days. Honorable Mention: There is an amazing version of this song with Corinne, John Mayer and John Legend. I mean…come on!!!!

Get Naked:

“The Beautiful Ones” by Prince: Ok, I KNOW I am showing my age with this one. But seriously, if Prince isn’t somewhere on your playlist, then you obviously don’t know music. I sometimes like to take my time from the make-out to the actual bed action. (Shut up…I do!) When I do, I truly enjoy the moment where you are both so into each other and just want it to last a bit longer before you get to business. In that moment, it’s just you, that special someone and Prince. If you both aren’t naked by 3:25, you soon will be!

Shower Time:

“Gravity-Live” by John Mayer: Screw all you John Mayer haters…seriously! Whether it’s post coitus or you just want to be super sexy, taking a shower together can be hot as all hell. Before you get the suds going, you’re gonna want to crank up this song. It needs to be the LIVE version, though. The music nerd in me goes nuts for the guitar solo at the end, and you will too!

Good Morning:

“Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band: DMB has some great songs that will get you in the mood, that I feel are often overlooked. This is a great song to gently wake up to the person next to and grab into the perfect spooning position. Warning: If you need to kick someone out of bed ALA “Coyote Ugly” do NOT play this song!

Until Next Time or The Walk of Shame:

“Glory Box” by Portishead: I’m old, we get it! This has been a favorite of mine since I heard it on “The Craft” soundtrack. Whether you’re kissing each other goodbye and planning your next date, or you’re putting on your Jager drenched dress driving down 75 to make it home, this is the perfect song for you. Just to bring it full circle and current, Alessia Cara sampled this song in her record “Here”. Don’t worry, either version will work.

Honorable Mentions:

Remember when I said I had some songs that I had to cast aside because the relationship ended. Hopefully, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you can get to the point in your life when you can listen to them again. Here are a few of mine that I am happy to see back in my playlist. And for the guys these songs are related to, thank you for giving me those good memories!

“Come Live With Me” by Ray Charles

“I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by Sleeping At Last

“See You Tonight” by Scotty McCreery

“Harvest Moon” by Neil Young

“No One Else” by Amel Larrieux

“Cupid” by 112

The Sex Report Card

The Sex Report Card

I was a decent student. Math wasn’t my strong suit, and at times it would really screw up my GPA. But overall, I had good grades. And some years, your girl made the Honor Roll. I remember always having the same sense of dread when it was Report Card time. My stomach would turn into knots and the cold sweats would begin. But what I didn’t realize until I got to college was that, what’s done is done. You can’t go back and change your study habits or turn in extra work the day the Report Card comes in. You have to accept that you’ve done your best and now prepare to be judged accordingly.

One day, out of the blue, it hit me. What if we could have a Report Card, based on how we are in bed? Ok, hear me out, because I know I’m going to lose a lot of you. I like to think that I am pretty darn talented at certain things. My name means “Desire” for crying out loud. And I am WELL aware that most men think they are far superior in several areas of sex and dating. So what if, you were able to have your partner or former partners rate you? Get brutally honest feedback. Why, you ask? Because too many of us (yours truly included) give ourselves wayyyyy too much credit, when we need to look reality straight in its limp penis face and accept some hard truths. Plus, how can you get better if you don’t learn from your mistakes?

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Here were my requirements and questions for my first ever Sex Report Card:

  • I would only ask men that I had slept with more than once. (Sorry, that one night stand might have been amazing for you, but there is a reason it happened once.)
  • If a guy was currently married, I would not have him participate. (Even if this is for the sake of research, I am not about to have a mad wife coming after me.)
  • As with all of my posts, all participants are anonymous. (But you know who you are 😉

The questions were:

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed?
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed?
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again?

The grades came back from three Report Card evaluators. Answers have been paraphrased.  I present for your enjoyment, my Sex Report Card.

Report Card 1:

I have known this gentleman for 6 years. We had a great deal in common like travel and I became a fan of a totally new sport because of him. He always made me laugh and is still a good friend and mentor to this day.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You had really great oral skills, I always enjoyed that. 
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wasn’t a fan of choking you. What if you passed out and died? 🙂
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 8
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

 

Report Card 2:

This guy I have known for 7 years. I am a fan of any man that will kill a bottle of Jameson as quickly as I can. Not to mention his devotion to his job is admirable. We are still good friends.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You are tons of fun in bed when you don’t act like a princess. 
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I was afraid that I would hurt you when I chocked you. **
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 10
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

 

Report Card 3:

I’m not going to lie when I say that this report card, was not only my favorite, but it was the most thorough. If it was possible for me to print his entire full written response, I would. I have known this man for over 10 years and he is always a constant surprise.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You’re very creative. I like that you are open to try anything.
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wish you swallowed. *
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? You are in my top 13% of women I have ever been with.
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

After re-reading part of his response, I feel the need to give a sample of his well written (if not highly ego boosting) reply to the Sex Report Card:

“It is always about the other person with Desiree. You as her partner just have to realize that you need to show her that same attention in return and not take advantage.”

Side Notes:

** I found it interesting that not only did two Report Cards say almost the same thing as a dislike, but another individual, who out of respect for me, decided not to do the full Report Card, mentioned it was something he didn’t like, as well. Who knew some men would get sensitive about a little autoerotic asphyxiation.

* I am at a loss that this was something I didn’t do with him, when in fact, I have done it before. Hmm?

At the end of the day, this very personal post was just as entertaining as it was eye opening. I’m grateful for their responses and the resulting conversations that we had afterwards. The point kiddlets, what YOU think you do well, may be something that you partner doesn’t enjoy. And in my case, something that I enjoy, may make your partner feel uncomfortable. This is where communication in and out of the bedroom is so important. So if my Report Card has taught you one thing (or many things that I enjoy), I hope that it is to be mindful of not only your needs, but you partners. And hey, if you REALLY want to know what others think about you, ask for your own Report Card.

I dare ya!

 

 

 

A Tale of Two Bumbles

A Tale of Two Bumbles

While I never encourage my readers to make the same mistake I did, I DO encourage you to enjoy the mistakes you do make…because they make for great material. I am a fan of dating apps. They are equal parts entertaining and depressing. Sprinkled with a bit of bizarre fascination that I have on the subject of dating, and you have the makings for an interesting social calendar. In the past two months, I have found two vastly different subjects on the matter. Both professional, both handsome, both head scratchingly at odds with my expectations. Perhaps that is the tragic irony, reality is far more disappointing than our imagination.

Bumble #1 was by far the most adorably kind of the two. I pulled out some player worthy moves with homemade dinner. Full disclosure: my steak could have been better, but the asparagus was on point. After a few glasses of pinot, and nice conversation, the night was coming to an end with a viewing of one of my favorite movies. Then, perhaps the nicest thing I could dare imagine on date occurred. He asked for permission to kiss me. You read that correctly, he ASKED!

The raging Type A Diva that I am loved everything about this. It was a great kiss and everything else to follow, was great. No seriously, it was great! The next day I must have said about five times to various girlfriends “He’s such a sweet guy.” or “He was such a gentleman.” Cut to my surprise days later when I…never…heard…from….him….again. No seriously…never. The “Good Guy” myth was forever blown out the water by the failed communication of its leader. While I don’t necessarily encourage sleeping with someone one on the first date (lol), I do make the rare exception. Apparently, this was one time I should have stuck with my better judgement..and never trust a man who does’nt drink.

 

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Bumble #2 is part of a new class of men I have found a slight fascination with- The Young Ones. Eager to please, hopelessly optimistic. While I am proud to be a teacher in many respects, in others, I simply lack the patience. My grandmother once told me “Never love a man who roots for a rival team.” She was a die hard Dawg fan, and her wisdom rings true even today. Bumble #2’s winning quality was his ability to make me laugh. Bonus points: his access to Tequila. And as we all know, tequila has never done me wrong.

As I sit here today, I can’t put my finger on it…exactly. What was a miss? His saunter approach to kissing me? No- that was some “A” level kissing. Was it his youth? His charm? His ability to make me feel like the greatest inconvenience to his day? Or maybe, just maybe, his appeal didn’t match the version that I assumed I would meet. Hell, maybe it was an off day. We’ve all had them. The hair doesn’t lay right, none of your clothes look good, your penis isn’t working at its normal Spartan level of manliness.

The moral of the story is, sometimes the image we have of not only ourselves but of others, can be…wrong. The Good Guy may want to do inappropriate things with you, but never show you off in public because of your political views. And folly is lost on the Youth, and so is charm. Perhaps the wisest choice is to stick with the person who makes you smile, or at least makes you pause and enjoy the simple things. Like a slow dance on a sidewalk, in a small country town somewhere in Georgia.

Cougar-in-Training AKA The Little Engine That Could

Cougar-in-Training AKA The Little Engine That Could

I, am not prepared to write this article. Even as I see the words pouring out, I am in strong denial. Because for one, I am NOT a cougar. I am NOT that old? Am I? I mean, black don’t crack and I come from some amazing genes, and as I look 40 almost in the eye, I still think this old girl is holding up just fine.

It has always been my personal preference to date older men. My first real crush was a lifeguard who I fell madly in love with at the tender age of 9. (He was 18.) I use to say that there were three types of men I would never date: Republicans, Alabama fans and any man more than 3 years younger than me. I mean, what would we talk about? What would we have in common? If I make a reference about Blazing Saddles, would he get it?

Fast forward to today.  I don’t know how to say this, but when he was born, I was….I was…13. THIRTEEN!!!! I could have been on an episode of “Teen Mom”. Dear Lord, there is a whole amazing decade of music that he doesn’t even know. I mean, he’s always had a cell phone. I remember not leaving the house without a quarter in case I needed to make a call.

But seriously, what am I doing? Who the heck do I think I am? A freakin gangsta that’s who!!! Here’s what I have learned so far in the land of the wild young stallions: every day has the true possibility of being a great, fun day. Their life is carefree and full of wonder. They aren’t jaded. They still have hope. HOPE! I’m pretty sure this is the type of change Obama wished for.

So we have few things in common. And sure I have consumed more alcohol this year than he has in his entire life. And, ok, we have very different views when it comes to politics and movies and sports and food. I forgot my point…..

Yes, my point is, why does it matter? The great philosopher, Aaliyah once said “Age ain’t nothin but a number, and a noun aint nothin but a thang.” Truer words have never been spoken. Do I know the course of my detour down Sesame Street? No. But what I do know is, that at my age who would have thought I would enjoy a rainy day in my pjs drinking craft beers and playing Mario Kart.