Cougar-in-Training AKA The Little Engine That Could

I, am not prepared to write this article. Even as I see the words pouring out, I am in strong denial. Because for one, I am NOT a cougar. I am NOT that old? Am I? I mean, black don’t crack and I come from some amazing genes, and as I look 40 almost in the eye, I still think this old girl is holding up just fine.

It has always been my personal preference to date older men. My first real crush was a lifeguard who I fell madly in love with at the tender age of 9. (He was 18.) I use to say that there were three types of men I would never date: Republicans, Alabama fans and any man more than 3 years younger than me. I mean, what would we talk about? What would we have in common? If I make a reference about Blazing Saddles, would he get it?

Fast forward to today.  I don’t know how to say this, but when he was born, I was….I was…13. THIRTEEN!!!! I could have been on an episode of “Teen Mom”. Dear Lord, there is a whole amazing decade of music that he doesn’t even know. I mean, he’s always had a cell phone. I remember not leaving the house without a quarter in case I needed to make a call.

But seriously, what am I doing? Who the heck do I think I am? A freakin gangsta that’s who!!! Here’s what I have learned so far in the land of the wild young stallions: every day has the true possibility of being a great, fun day. Their life is carefree and full of wonder. They aren’t jaded. They still have hope. HOPE! I’m pretty sure this is the type of change Obama wished for.

So we have few things in common. And sure I have consumed more alcohol this year than he has in his entire life. And, ok, we have very different views when it comes to politics and movies and sports and food. I forgot my point…..

Yes, my point is, why does it matter? The great philosopher, Aaliyah once said “Age ain’t nothin but a number, and a noun aint nothin but a thang.” Truer words have never been spoken. Do I know the course of my detour down Sesame Street? No. But what I do know is, that at my age who would have thought I would enjoy a rainy day in my pjs drinking craft beers and playing Mario Kart.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

They say it’s never a good idea to compare your life to someone else. For that matter, it’s never a good idea to compare your list with someone else. And when I say list, I mean “The List”. Like any good Woman of the Now, I felt the need to look at my list and to, well, update it. And I have to say, I was proud of my number. Not too high, not too low, but I would say, very respectful. But then I thought, what’s a good number? And for that matter, what’s a bad number?

I waited very late in life to have sex. A decision, I don’t regret and am happy with. It gave me time to really focus on important things and not have sex be, well, a distraction. However, you can say that I did make up for lost time. Still, the number is one that doesn’t make me blush and one that I would proudly admit. (If you ask me in private, of course) The biggest factor of the Numbers Game, are the years. When you look at your time in the field, how long were you playing the game?

This conversation came up a few weeks ago and it made me realize, that everyone is different. And that’s ok. However it did make me wonder, would a number be more shocking if it were a woman’s or a man’s? To say that it sucks that there is still a double standard, is an understatement. And it sucks even more with this topic. Would a guy look at my number if I were a man and wonder my manliness, or would a woman look at my number and judge me for how many times I was “at bat”?

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At the end of the day, you have to own up to your number. For one, you already did it, so you can’t take it back. And sure, you can lie about it, like you lie about your weight, or age, or credit score, but there is no changing it and you will always know the truth. The important thing is, you need to be happy with your number and as a friend of mine pointed out, just be happy that the number increases, it means you’re doing something right. Or, maybe you should find a more constructive hobby.

I dare you to….

I hate when someone says “I dare you to…”. I hate it for many reasons. The first, it kicks my only child mentality and need to please into overdrive. “I’ve been given a challenge. I must do it now!”. Second, usually the dare is something that the darer knows that I will 100% do. So it’s not so much of a dare as it is “Let’s see her do this!” It’s entertaining for all and I can maintain my record of never turning down a dare. *

* If it causes me harm, is illegal in all Southern states or involves cats or Gin, I always say no.

But when it comes to the bedroom, I love a good dare. Scratch that. I almost demand it.   For one, how will you ever know what you like and don’t like unless you try new things? I had a conversation with a friend recently and we talked about how she knew a guy that really only had one move. One move? Wasn’t that banned pass the age of 16? I said “Why don’t you dare him to do something? Like, I dare you to kiss a part of my body that has never been kissed.” *

*By far one of my favorites and I have yet to find a guy to actually do this accurately.

Think of it more like a challenge. Guys, when a girl dares you in bed, she actually has full faith that you can live up to the dare. She may also need you to spice things up a bit. This is your chance to surprise us. And not only that, we want you to give back. You got a girl who says she’s adventurous? Game on! But, remember, there must be rules to a good dare.

It should not cause harm, it must be fun, it should be something you’ve never done and most importantly, it should be something that challenges you just as much as your partner. So why not start 2014 with a bit of naughty Truth or Dare. Grab some slips of paper, write done a few questions and dares, and just have fun! I’ll start…

“I dare you to send me a….”

Me and Ms Jones

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If you are not a fan of “Sex and the City” or heaven forbid, you have never watched a single episode of the show, this post will be very boring and sadly you won’t find it hilarious like I do.

I have loved SATC ever since the very first episode. More over, I have loved the snarky PR goddess that is Samantha Jones ever since she bossed around her first waiter. Among my girlfriends and die-hard SATC fans I have often been told that I am Samantha in real life form. Over the years, I thought it was enjoyable. The similarities are pretty strong. We are both ballsy, both are in Public Relations, we both have no filter, we are the oldest woman in our circle of friends and of yeah…we are both very sexual people.

The older I got and the longer I watched the show, the more I took pride in my ebony Samantha lifestyle. But then a few years ago, I noticed something. Those same “friends” who would playfully say “Oh Desiree, you are soooo Samantha.” , were now judging me and using it against me. Wait. I’m sorry? What exactly is the problem again? It was ok when we were all single and looking for love and complaining about men, but now that you are in serious relationships, or married or dare I say it…a mommy…it’s not cool to be Samantha?

What’s even funnier is that there was a similar story line in SATC. Two of the women were married, one was working on a family, the other was a mom and finally Carrie had a some what stable relationship. And where was Samantha? Living her life, of course! Being her fabulous self! But more importantly, she was staying true to who she was.

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Samantha and I are very similar. But it isn’t the sexual side that defines us. It’s the sticking it to the man, balls to the wall, make it work in a male driven society, hard as steel with a heart of gold side. It’s almost like defining me just as a black woman, when I am so much more than that. So I say to the other Samantha Jones’ of the world…SCREW EM! Raise a glass to your strength, your vulnerability, your honesty and your wit. And then one day, one magically fabulous day, you will find a man worthy enough of our very important time. Now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting, Pilates and a fireman to do.

Things Guys Like to Hear in Bed

This is a public service announcement. Guys we know your dirty little secret and it’s about time that I spill the beans. You are all magnificent and wonderful Gods in bed.

Lol. I know right?! They think we say that about them. Ok, ok. Let me clean up my computer screen. As you all know, I have taken my sexual hiatus very seriously. Oh crap, now I have to clean the screen again. Right. Let me start over.

It came to my attention that men seem to respond very well when they hear the right things in bed. Like a mother encouraging their child to do good in school based on past accomplishments, men take that same since of positive motivation to do better in bed. Here’s the problem. They don’t have the imagination that we do. Women believe in all that wistful bull shit that has made 50 Shades of F*&ing Grey so popular. Men are simple creatures. Now I am not saying we need to create stick figure signs and hold them up when a guy is doing his part to fertilize your lady bits, but here are few lines that should get his attention, and hopefully a more focused sexual partner.

Warning: I may or may not have said these, like 100 times. 

  • “Ohhhh” (insert name)– This is the gold standard and should be used often. Not because you forgot his name, but it’s a great way to remind yourself who is in your bed, not to mention, it reminds you not to scream out the name of the guy you are thinking about in your head.
  • “Yeaaaaaaa”- From the greek word “Yes” meaning “Don’t Stop”. This is highly effective when the young scout has gone on a southern expedition and has come to the perfect fork in the road.
  • “That was amazing”- Ok. I will admit. If I have ever said this, I lied. Guys, that’s the point. If ANY girl has said this, she is lying. If it was really amazing, she isn’t going to say anything. She is going to lie there like a whipped mound of jelly and convulse when you do so much as touch her hair. But hey, if hearing it makes you feel good about yourself, by all means champ, enjoy!
  • “You are the best”- See above
  • “I’ve never done that before”- This should only be used when you have pulled out some secret Jenna Jameson tantric crap that makes HIM lie in bed like a whipped mound of jelly. Trust me, you both will be very proud of yourself.
  • “Oh God”- Whatever your religious belief, there is nothing more powerful than bringing the lord in bed with you. Now, be careful with this. With great words comes great responsibility and when you start throwin around the lawds name, guys start thinking they are doing alllll the right moves. And let’s be honest, if you are gonna scream that, you need to make sure he actually did something deserving. Like put the toilet seat down post coitus. And finally….
  • “Of course I came”– Ok, this makes me giggle. For some reason, guys need that extra reassurance that we enjoyed their efforts. The key to this statement is making it believable. It’s called acting. So you want to be convincing. Think Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”. But like the above statement, if you use it too often, they will start to get suspicious. And nothing ruins sex then a doubtful partner worrying about his self worth…and who is going to get up and grab the towel.

They Still Make You?

 

I love Chris Rock. The above clip is from his comedy special “Bigger and Blacker”. I remember the first time I saw it, and laughing so hard that I was in tears. But I also recall thinking, he has some very valid points. The above mentioned being the biggest.

When it comes to oral sex, I will admit, women are greedy. I know! Shocked to hear us say, right? But it’s true. We want to enjoy it and in some cases thats all we want. We want to receive and not do any giving. Some of us feel that our love and other special talents should be enough. And some women, and I am ashamed to say this, don’t believe in it at all. Like Chris Rock says, you have to look at women who doesn’t perform oral like a beta max, “They still make you?”

I argue that a woman who doesn’t perform oral feels this way for two reasons. First, she  truly hates it. For her, there is no pleasure. And if there is no pleasure, why is she doing it? Not only that, some feel its demeaning. So they would rather do every other Leave It To Beaver move than to go downtown. Reason number two, she might not be good at it. I don’t care what any guy says, there is such a thing as a bad bj. And though you might be excited you are getting attention down there, admit it, you would rather have nothing than to have a woman act like she is licking a lemon.

So what does a guy do in either case? In the first, find out how she truly feels about performing oral. Whether its from a bad experience or a *cough* taste issue *cough*, talk to her and see if you can find a compromise. Remember, at our core, we love to please. In the second, you have to treat this one tactfully. We don’t want to hear you say “You are horrible, just stop” Instead, give her clever pointers. If you notice, we are never at a loss for telling you what to do. So if you have a secure enough woman (and the secure part is the key word) then you should be able to be a great bj coach and walk her through what you like.

But may I remind you fellas, that if you are the one enjoying this little carnal treat, remember it is also good to give back. And you know what I mean. But that’s another topic, for another day.

The Best of 2012

Happy New Year kiddies!

Ok, so this is going to be short and sweet, but here it is. I am asking all of you to challenge yourself. Having had a recent conversation with someone who is very dear to me, the topic of Sexual Superhero came up. Ok, maybe I came up with that and demanded her to create a Sexual Superhero. Why? Well it’s simple. Do you ever notice that you do the same thing over and over again, whether dating and/or in bed? Do you find yourself wishing to be more curious, but terrified to try? Do friends call you the prude of the group? Hell, have you not taken a good look at the equipment downstairs?

Well what are you waiting for? Become a Sexual Superhero!! And I mean, go out there and give yourself a challenge and do it! Now, I can say be a Dating Superhero, for those of you who would like to crawl before you walk. But it’s not hard to do. And here’s how. Everything that you have ever wanted to try, try. Anyone you have ever wanted to ask out, ask. Any place you have ever wanted to go, go. And position you have wanted to do, for heavens sake…DO IT!

The change you want to see in your life, whether in your relationships, bed, profession, family and friends, does not happen by those who sit on the sidelines. Get out there and do it. And make mistakes. Make tons of them. But when you do, learn from them. I am sooooo over the girls who keep saying “Aw, I keep ending up with the bad guy.” Or guys who say “Aw, I am so tired of dating psychos.” Guess what, it might not be them. It might be YOU! So change it! Do something different.

Finally, love HARD! The next time you have an amazing date, the next time you have a perfect moment, the next time you look in their eyes and can hear  Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” in the background, SAVOUR it. Think of it as the last date, the last moment, the last kiss, the last anything you may enjoy in life and ENJOY it! Remember, some people might not have that chance, but you do.

So make the year of the Dragon a fabulous year. Go out there, date, have fun, and enjoy every moment of it!