Dating Karma

Dating Karma

This past week one of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit me. There was A LOT of tequila. There was also a mountain of fun, tons of laughter and me schooling her on something I like to call “Dating Karma”. For me “Dating Karma” is that simple belief that the good things you do in your dating life, will manifest fully in your love life. Basically, if you’re a dick or psycho slut in your dating life, that’s the kind of love that you will attract.

So picture two attractive chocolate girls in our own personal heaven- a bar of loud, funny white guys…most of them on vacation. After a few shots and several circles around the bar, we found some cute eye candy. There was friendly banter, mutual admiration of tattoos and after about 20 mins, the two gents decided to sit with us. As the night progressed, it was clear they were pretty interested. Cut to, serious flirting, thigh rubbing  and talk of having a REAL fun evening at my apartment.

However, before anything would progress, we found out….they were BOTH married. Now, I am in no way ashamed to admit that 29 year old me would have had no problem with this. The dude wasn’t from around here, he was flying out in the morning and I’m sure there’s a cheating rule that states “Different time zone/area code-fair game.” But 39 year old me, has been through and seen a lot. Mainly as a direct relation to 29 year old me. As I weighed the pros and cons while placed firmly close to his smokin hot bod, I had to wonder if “Dating Karma” was a real thing.

 

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I am happy to report that nothing happen. We were both very good girls and they both made it home safely to their wives. I did wake up the next morning questioning my own dating karma. So if we are to believe that you get what you put out, then why am I single? And more importantly, why was attracting married men, loser f*&^boys, emotionally unavailable exes?

I figure that I had been putting out some darn good dating karma. I hadn’t strung any guys along. I ended toxic relationships. My number of one night stands had drastically decreased. And I was no longer using men for sport. Yet, karma had some other plans for me. Single for the past two years. If I look at my last two relationships; both long distance and both where the guy cheated; I seriously had some questions for Karma.

That bitch saw me being attentive, loyal and devoted. Yet they both ended in massively crappy ways. And since then, it’s been a string of lack luster, minor flights of fancy. So why was I giving Karma so much power? Because I believe as I still do, in the power of getting what you give. Maybe this is all some twisted game for her. Or she is trying to teach me that patience (which I lack) is a virtue. Either way, I have to remind myself that even though I woke up in bed alone the next morning, I hadn’t broken up any happy home. And hell, that’s got to be good for something, right?

D.T.F

D.T.F

I believe it was the wise sage, DJ Pauly D, who first uttered the words”D.T.F”. The term which explains the state in which one is ready to participate in intercourse, is a common lingo found around bars, clubs and drunk frat houses. However, I’ve recently found it commonplace in another arena- online dating.

I am shocked…no…AMAZED…at how many matches from both Tinder and Bumble will go from the “Hello. How are you?” to the “Wanna screw?” And some, don’t even address you. As one fine gent did this morning…at 1:35 am. I immediately unmatched with him, but it made me wonder. Yes, these apps do offer a significant ease to finding someone to sleep with, but that’s not their only purpose. And if they are, at least for the user, could you pretend to be cordial and ask my last name before you ask to see my ladybox?

For some odd reason, I have a greater respect for the guys in the shirtless bathroom selfies, who blatantly put in their profile “On vacation/looking for fun/aim to please/coffee and dog lover”. At least you’re making your intentions known, even before the left swipe. Though I have fallen victim to the hot guy who’s profile I didn’t read at first. That’s always a fun awkward conversation.

Him: So you read my profile?

Me: *reads profile in horror* Um, yea. Interesting.

Him: So you free tonight?

Me: *unmatches*

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you want to have great sex. Maybe even great “Lose my number” sex. But thats a sometimes and not an all the time. And it’s certainly not something I or most women lead with. I guess my curiosity or frustrations lie in how many women these overly enthusiastic men think they will gain from that type of response? Sure, you will have the one female who may bite, and I am in no way knocking her. Do you, Boo Boo. Do you. But I hate to bring up the age old double standard….if a woman lead with a similar profile, what would guys think?

In the end, dating apps are our currently reality. They may not be perfect and I am sure in no way serve their originally designed purpose. But can we ALL agree to use some…etiquette, when it comes to approaching the topic of sex. For one, ask me out on a date? And no, you can’t ask me through Snapchat…here’s my number. Two, let’s ACTUALLY meet for said date. And IF, there is a chemistry, perhaps there will be sex. If not, I’m leaving you the bill for my two Jameson’s and deleting your number as well as your profile from my life…forever!

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The Last Great….

The Last Great….

After a chain of recent hilarious events, I’ve found myself thinking a lot of “The Last Great”…

When you look back at your dating life….the good, the bad, or potentially questionable, if you’re like me, there are a few bright shining moments. I like to call them “The Last Great…”. Whether it was the last great kiss, date, dance or romance, the collection of ray of hopeful sunshine moments from your dating history is enough to remind us all, that  your future romance is out there. And maybe more “Last Greats…” will lead to your “First Real…”.

“The Last Great Kiss”

I wrote an article about this particular kiss a while back. A first date, which lead to a walk around my lovely little hometown, and a kiss that seemed to last forever. What made it “The Last Great Kiss” was simple, I haven’t felt that kind of connection since that kiss. And I’m not talking about a sexual connection, it was something deeper than that. And it felt REAL. It’s funny how we take for granted things that aren’t in front of us, or are on our cell phones and laptops. I mean a connection where it’s just you and the person in front of you. And even if that moment never turns into a relationship, “The Last Great Kiss” was a real moment, and one I will always enjoy.

“The Last Great Morning”

I love New Orleans. I have a few sad but mostly amazing memories there. One of my favorite memories, was “The Last Great Morning” I had with a guy I dated a few years back. We got to sleep in late, something I rarely ever do. It was one of those rainy mornings in NOLA and after a pretty late night the evening before, all I needed was coffee. What I got, was a living room filed with small little white lights, John Coltrane playing in the background and freshly pressed coffee. Oh, did I mention my BF at the time was in the kitchen making the most amazing cheese crepes. We spent the rest of the morning listening to jazz, cuddled on the couch, with the NOLA rain in the background. I haven’t had another morning like that since…

 

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“The Last Great Phone Call”

This is going to seem like a random one, but hear me out. Years ago, before Snapchat and FaceTime, and wayyyyyyy before cell phones and Instant Messaging, guys and girls would spend hours on the phone talking. It’s how you knew you had a real connection and it’s also how you knew a guy really liked you. Fast forward to about 30 years later and those days are long gone. Even I have to admit, I’m not a fan of long phone calls and I’d much rather text than talk, but this guy got me on a special evening. And our phone call lasted 3 hours. We both had to work the next morning but that didn’t seem to bother either of us. We talked about everything under the sun and daydreamed about cozy warm cabins in the North Georgia mountains. We had a great first/only date which also provided some lovely moments. Every once in a while, I think about that call. I wonder what a night in the mountains would be like with a handsome, motorcycle riding, blog writing gentleman who doesn’t drink. Well, maybe my charm, a fireplace and a 30 year old scotch can change that.

“The Last Great Sex”

Let’s be honest, this is the one you all came here for. And it’s the one I’ve had the hardest time trying to pin down. Mainly because there are several gents who will read this thinking it’s them. For all of you curious handsome guys, I do apologize. Originally, I wanted to write this entire article about “The Last Great Sex” and though there has been some great, good, amazing sex in the past few years, I pondered something else. Am I really talking about the last great sex act or something more? And to be honest, I AM talking about something more. I’ve spoken about connection a few times in this article and I really feel that’s what “The Last Great Sex” is about…Connection.  Great sex can be great because of chemistry, music, carnal matching, the perfect thread count and countless other reasons. And while you know I am never one to NOT gossip about great sex, if what I am speaking on is the “The Last Great Sexual Connection”, then my dear reader, I have to be honest…it hasn’t happened yet.

So with that said, and to whomever is reading this pondering if it WAS him, take comfort in knowing…you gave me a great reference point for finding my “The Last Great”. And check back again kiddlets, because I’m sure it will be a great story to tell!

Does the “Dream Guy” exist?

Does the “Dream Guy” exist?

I know….the title is hefty. It’s also equal parts fantasy and bullshit. B.S. because you don’t ever hear guys pinning for the “Dream Girl”. And I’m not here to judge that societal norm. I’m here to talk about my “Dream Guy”, and to ask the age old question….does he really exist? No really…does he?

As I often do, I sit here with a great scotch, post a slew of bad dating decisions to bring you these nuggets of wisdom. The “Dream Guy” or “Girl” isn’t just a dream…they are the ideal. They are the fantasy that you hold up to every random bar hookup and questionable Tinder match. For me, my dream guy is equal parts Chris D’Elia, Bill Clinton, Idris Elba and Mr Darcy from “Pride & Prejudice”. Do you see a trend? No! That’s why he’s a “Dream Guy”. Not gonna lie…sprinkle a bit of Christian Grey and I may marry him on the spot.

So what makes him a dream? What makes him the fantasy that so far my reality has not been able to create? It’s simple. The “Dream Guy” is a blend of fantasy, unrealistic expectations, tequila induced daydreams and hollywood cliches…and I am 100% in the hunt for him and in NO way ashamed to admit that.

For me there are some serious aspects of the “Dream Guy” that from now on, I will no longer entertain a half hearted dating life, in order to pass the time until his arrival.

My “Dream Guy” in a nutshell:

  • is family guy. He loves his family and friends and their input means the world to him. He’s not a mama’s boy, but the woman who truly holds his heart is her.
  • is a lover of all things libations. I understand there are men who don’t drink. And I respect that. I also hope that you respect, that on our first date, if you can’t navigate yourself around a scotch menu, then you have no purpose for me.
  • is a class clown. The kiss may be the first physical thing that intrigues me about a guy, but making me laugh is the first thing that will lead to said kiss. And at the end of the day, 30 years from now, I want you to make me laugh just like you did on our first date.
  • is a protector. He is able to stand up for me and stand by me. The guy who can defend the occasional glance when people question an interracial couple, but who can also hold me after a 12 hour day at work when I feel like a failure.
  • is an amazing cook. You want to get me naked? Make a steak, add a bottle of wine and Coltrane, and I will meet you in the bedroom in an hour.
  • is emotionally available. I can’t believe I have to say this, but um yeah, don’t play with my emotions. I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to just screw you, and I don’t want to be your little secret. Bare your fucked up soul and I will do the same. But more importantly, understand that everyone has baggage. But your baggage doesn’t define you.
  • is self assured. Meaning he knows what he wants. He understands his flaws and works hard to do better. Why is this important? Because if I am doing the same, and so should you.
  • and finally he is passionate. And I’m not talking about earth shaking sex. I mean, kisses that lasts minutes. Glances from across the room that make us both blush. Touches that feel warm and tingle from my toes and all up my spine. He is a fire that burns and one that I will move heaven and earth to be near, because he would destroy mountains to be near mine.

 

 

 

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

I love to drink. I enjoy a good single malt. A delicious Old Fashioned and an amazing tequila. Because of these things, I find that enjoying libations is a big thing for me when it comes to finding the right guy to date. Must love dogs? No. Must love Macallan!

I came across a series of videos called “Truth or Drink- Couples”. The video made me laugh but also made me wonder about doing the challenge myself. It’s simple. Couples have a series of questions that they must answer. If a person refuses to answer, they have to drink. Now, please understand, I will choose “Drink” anytime, along with “Truth”. But what I do enjoy about the challenge is what a person feels they shouldn’t reveal to their partner.

So here is MY list of Truth or Drink. I look forward to doing the challenge one day and filling you all in on the results!

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  1. What is the last thing you said to your ex and when was it?
  2. What do your parents REALLY think of me?
  3. What does your best friend REALLY think of me?
  4. What one thing about my physical appearance would you change?
  5. Was I the best sex you ever had?
  6. If we were to break up today, who’s fault would it be?
  7. Which one of my friends would you sleep with?
  8. What is something I love that you hate?
  9. If you could re-do our first date, what would you change?
  10. If you were given $10,000 to dump me, would you?

 

Try these little gems out and tell me all about it. I know I will…with a bottle of Jameson and an evening of hilarity!

 

 

Dating Your Internal Monologue

Dating Your Internal Monologue

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, if I don’t write often, my life is either crazy busy, or I have been kidnapped by Somali pirates. Ok, maybe not pirates, but the hectic busy part is true. No excuse, Desiree!

I have tons of creative friends and I am always shocked that when we date, we have similar issues. Mainly because creative people have no problem showing their feelings or being expressive, good or bad, in relationships. What we do have a problem with, is our internal monologue. Why, you ask? Because in a world that is colorful noise, our head is the most colorful of them all. And to be honest, it’s exhausting.

Imagine the voice inside your head when you are in a happy relationship. There isn’t much chatter and things look and sound good. When you aren’t in a happy relationship, or you spend a long time being single, you slowly start to question things, and the questions become loud and deafening. And you don’t question so much “What’s wrong with men?” as you ponder “What’s wrong with me?”. This leads a lot of people down a road of anxiety and loathing that is only compounded by failed Tinder dates and an obnoxious amount of wedding invitations. I mean seriously, how is it that I am always single during wedding season?

You and your inner monologue will spend A LOT of time together at which you will question every dating mistake, swipe, sex act and bad tequila decision you have made since you turned 30. It will be enough to make you crawl under your covers and binge “The Walking Dead” for 30 straight hours. But what does that do for you? And what do you get out of it? You’re still beating yourself up, and in some cases, making the situation worse because of thoughts you assume are real or true. I know, I’m the queen of this self-defeating tactic.

So I’m here to tell you, to do like T.Swizzle and shake that ish off! Take up a new hobby, do the thing you keep putting off, visit a friend-don’t just call them, whatever you need to do to get out of the Hoarders space that is your head and your nasty inner monologue. In the end, be kinder to yourself, and when you do, I promise you will see a difference in the world around you!

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What is Romance? A closer look at “Love Languages”

What is Romance? A closer look at “Love Languages”

I was recently on a date where I posed the question “Do you think you are a romantic person?” Over the next few minutes, the topic quickly changed to a different question, “What is Romance?” I feel by nature, women are traditionally more romantic then men. Then again, I feel by nature women get caught up in the idea of “romance” more so then men. Is this a bad thing? Should social media and Hollywood be to blame?

I spent the next day thinking about “What is Romance?” and found myself re-visting a topic that I was introduced to a few years ago. If we look at romance or romantic gestures as acts, they are largely based on the person and their concept of what defines romance or appreciation for their partner. In other words, we put value on these acts based on our own personal perception of romance or love. Enter “The Five Love Languages.”

In 1995, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” . In it, Chapman explained that there are five ways we express love to our partner. These actions or gestures can be seen as romantic, but more often than not, are ways we express what we personally value in a relationship. In other words, rather than looking at words, lavish vacations or dozens of roses, it is the little things that should be closely observed in an effort to understand your partner and their needs.

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The above graph breaks down the Five Love Languages. It also shows how to communicate them, actions to take and things to avoid. As I stated earlier, I was introduced to this a few years ago by a guy I was dating at the time. He explained that he found it helpful in understanding his partner and more importantly for his partner to understand him. What one person finds important may hold a different value to another.  Knowing your own love language and ultimately your partners, will help answer a lot of questions in your relationship in the areas of romance, love, appreciation etc.

I would say that I am about equal parts three love languages. But if I were to be honest, I am mostly “Quality Time”. For me, I value those special moments with a person above anything else. I always like to mention this concept with a new partner because I feel the sooner you understand what I value, the sooner I can understand the same for you. So the next time you are wondering how to be more romantic or how to add romance to your relationship, instead consider you and your partners love language. You may be surprised that what you have done in the past as a kind gesture, is perhaps the most romantic thing they have ever received.