The Last Great….

The Last Great….

After a chain of recent hilarious events, I’ve found myself thinking a lot of “The Last Great”…

When you look back at your dating life….the good, the bad, or potentially questionable, if you’re like me, there are a few bright shining moments. I like to call them “The Last Great…”. Whether it was the last great kiss, date, dance or romance, the collection of ray of hopeful sunshine moments from your dating history is enough to remind us all, that  your future romance is out there. And maybe more “Last Greats…” will lead to your “First Real…”.

“The Last Great Kiss”

I wrote an article about this particular kiss a while back. A first date, which lead to a walk around my lovely little hometown, and a kiss that seemed to last forever. What made it “The Last Great Kiss” was simple, I haven’t felt that kind of connection since that kiss. And I’m not talking about a sexual connection, it was something deeper than that. And it felt REAL. It’s funny how we take for granted things that aren’t in front of us, or are on our cell phones and laptops. I mean a connection where it’s just you and the person in front of you. And even if that moment never turns into a relationship, “The Last Great Kiss” was a real moment, and one I will always enjoy.

“The Last Great Morning”

I love New Orleans. I have a few sad but mostly amazing memories there. One of my favorite memories, was “The Last Great Morning” I had with a guy I dated a few years back. We got to sleep in late, something I rarely ever do. It was one of those rainy mornings in NOLA and after a pretty late night the evening before, all I needed was coffee. What I got, was a living room filed with small little white lights, John Coltrane playing in the background and freshly pressed coffee. Oh, did I mention my BF at the time was in the kitchen making the most amazing cheese crepes. We spent the rest of the morning listening to jazz, cuddled on the couch, with the NOLA rain in the background. I haven’t had another morning like that since…

 

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“The Last Great Phone Call”

This is going to seem like a random one, but hear me out. Years ago, before Snapchat and FaceTime, and wayyyyyyy before cell phones and Instant Messaging, guys and girls would spend hours on the phone talking. It’s how you knew you had a real connection and it’s also how you knew a guy really liked you. Fast forward to about 30 years later and those days are long gone. Even I have to admit, I’m not a fan of long phone calls and I’d much rather text than talk, but this guy got me on a special evening. And our phone call lasted 3 hours. We both had to work the next morning but that didn’t seem to bother either of us. We talked about everything under the sun and daydreamed about cozy warm cabins in the North Georgia mountains. We had a great first/only date which also provided some lovely moments. Every once in a while, I think about that call. I wonder what a night in the mountains would be like with a handsome, motorcycle riding, blog writing gentleman who doesn’t drink. Well, maybe my charm, a fireplace and a 30 year old scotch can change that.

“The Last Great Sex”

Let’s be honest, this is the one you all came here for. And it’s the one I’ve had the hardest time trying to pin down. Mainly because there are several gents who will read this thinking it’s them. For all of you curious handsome guys, I do apologize. Originally, I wanted to write this entire article about “The Last Great Sex” and though there has been some great, good, amazing sex in the past few years, I pondered something else. Am I really talking about the last great sex act or something more? And to be honest, I AM talking about something more. I’ve spoken about connection a few times in this article and I really feel that’s what “The Last Great Sex” is about…Connection.  Great sex can be great because of chemistry, music, carnal matching, the perfect thread count and countless other reasons. And while you know I am never one to NOT gossip about great sex, if what I am speaking on is the “The Last Great Sexual Connection”, then my dear reader, I have to be honest…it hasn’t happened yet.

So with that said, and to whomever is reading this pondering if it WAS him, take comfort in knowing…you gave me a great reference point for finding my “The Last Great”. And check back again kiddlets, because I’m sure it will be a great story to tell!

Does the “Dream Guy” exist?

Does the “Dream Guy” exist?

I know….the title is hefty. It’s also equal parts fantasy and bullshit. B.S. because you don’t ever hear guys pinning for the “Dream Girl”. And I’m not here to judge that societal norm. I’m here to talk about my “Dream Guy”, and to ask the age old question….does he really exist? No really…does he?

As I often do, I sit here with a great scotch, post a slew of bad dating decisions to bring you these nuggets of wisdom. The “Dream Guy” or “Girl” isn’t just a dream…they are the ideal. They are the fantasy that you hold up to every random bar hookup and questionable Tinder match. For me, my dream guy is equal parts Chris D’Elia, Bill Clinton, Idris Elba and Mr Darcy from “Pride & Prejudice”. Do you see a trend? No! That’s why he’s a “Dream Guy”. Not gonna lie…sprinkle a bit of Christian Grey and I may marry him on the spot.

So what makes him a dream? What makes him the fantasy that so far my reality has not been able to create? It’s simple. The “Dream Guy” is a blend of fantasy, unrealistic expectations, tequila induced daydreams and hollywood cliches…and I am 100% in the hunt for him and in NO way ashamed to admit that.

For me there are some serious aspects of the “Dream Guy” that from now on, I will no longer entertain a half hearted dating life, in order to pass the time until his arrival.

My “Dream Guy” in a nutshell:

  • is family guy. He loves his family and friends and their input means the world to him. He’s not a mama’s boy, but the woman who truly holds his heart is her.
  • is a lover of all things libations. I understand there are men who don’t drink. And I respect that. I also hope that you respect, that on our first date, if you can’t navigate yourself around a scotch menu, then you have no purpose for me.
  • is a class clown. The kiss may be the first physical thing that intrigues me about a guy, but making me laugh is the first thing that will lead to said kiss. And at the end of the day, 30 years from now, I want you to make me laugh just like you did on our first date.
  • is a protector. He is able to stand up for me and stand by me. The guy who can defend the occasional glance when people question an interracial couple, but who can also hold me after a 12 hour day at work when I feel like a failure.
  • is an amazing cook. You want to get me naked? Make a steak, add a bottle of wine and Coltrane, and I will meet you in the bedroom in an hour.
  • is emotionally available. I can’t believe I have to say this, but um yeah, don’t play with my emotions. I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to just screw you, and I don’t want to be your little secret. Bare your fucked up soul and I will do the same. But more importantly, understand that everyone has baggage. But your baggage doesn’t define you.
  • is self assured. Meaning he knows what he wants. He understands his flaws and works hard to do better. Why is this important? Because if I am doing the same, and so should you.
  • and finally he is passionate. And I’m not talking about earth shaking sex. I mean, kisses that lasts minutes. Glances from across the room that make us both blush. Touches that feel warm and tingle from my toes and all up my spine. He is a fire that burns and one that I will move heaven and earth to be near, because he would destroy mountains to be near mine.

 

 

 

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

Truth or Drink- Couples Edition

I love to drink. I enjoy a good single malt. A delicious Old Fashioned and an amazing tequila. Because of these things, I find that enjoying libations is a big thing for me when it comes to finding the right guy to date. Must love dogs? No. Must love Macallan!

I came across a series of videos called “Truth or Drink- Couples”. The video made me laugh but also made me wonder about doing the challenge myself. It’s simple. Couples have a series of questions that they must answer. If a person refuses to answer, they have to drink. Now, please understand, I will choose “Drink” anytime, along with “Truth”. But what I do enjoy about the challenge is what a person feels they shouldn’t reveal to their partner.

So here is MY list of Truth or Drink. I look forward to doing the challenge one day and filling you all in on the results!

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  1. What is the last thing you said to your ex and when was it?
  2. What do your parents REALLY think of me?
  3. What does your best friend REALLY think of me?
  4. What one thing about my physical appearance would you change?
  5. Was I the best sex you ever had?
  6. If we were to break up today, who’s fault would it be?
  7. Which one of my friends would you sleep with?
  8. What is something I love that you hate?
  9. If you could re-do our first date, what would you change?
  10. If you were given $10,000 to dump me, would you?

 

Try these little gems out and tell me all about it. I know I will…with a bottle of Jameson and an evening of hilarity!

 

 

Dating Your Internal Monologue

Dating Your Internal Monologue

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, if I don’t write often, my life is either crazy busy, or I have been kidnapped by Somali pirates. Ok, maybe not pirates, but the hectic busy part is true. No excuse, Desiree!

I have tons of creative friends and I am always shocked that when we date, we have similar issues. Mainly because creative people have no problem showing their feelings or being expressive, good or bad, in relationships. What we do have a problem with, is our internal monologue. Why, you ask? Because in a world that is colorful noise, our head is the most colorful of them all. And to be honest, it’s exhausting.

Imagine the voice inside your head when you are in a happy relationship. There isn’t much chatter and things look and sound good. When you aren’t in a happy relationship, or you spend a long time being single, you slowly start to question things, and the questions become loud and deafening. And you don’t question so much “What’s wrong with men?” as you ponder “What’s wrong with me?”. This leads a lot of people down a road of anxiety and loathing that is only compounded by failed Tinder dates and an obnoxious amount of wedding invitations. I mean seriously, how is it that I am always single during wedding season?

You and your inner monologue will spend A LOT of time together at which you will question every dating mistake, swipe, sex act and bad tequila decision you have made since you turned 30. It will be enough to make you crawl under your covers and binge “The Walking Dead” for 30 straight hours. But what does that do for you? And what do you get out of it? You’re still beating yourself up, and in some cases, making the situation worse because of thoughts you assume are real or true. I know, I’m the queen of this self-defeating tactic.

So I’m here to tell you, to do like T.Swizzle and shake that ish off! Take up a new hobby, do the thing you keep putting off, visit a friend-don’t just call them, whatever you need to do to get out of the Hoarders space that is your head and your nasty inner monologue. In the end, be kinder to yourself, and when you do, I promise you will see a difference in the world around you!

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What is Romance? A closer look at “Love Languages”

What is Romance? A closer look at “Love Languages”

I was recently on a date where I posed the question “Do you think you are a romantic person?” Over the next few minutes, the topic quickly changed to a different question, “What is Romance?” I feel by nature, women are traditionally more romantic then men. Then again, I feel by nature women get caught up in the idea of “romance” more so then men. Is this a bad thing? Should social media and Hollywood be to blame?

I spent the next day thinking about “What is Romance?” and found myself re-visting a topic that I was introduced to a few years ago. If we look at romance or romantic gestures as acts, they are largely based on the person and their concept of what defines romance or appreciation for their partner. In other words, we put value on these acts based on our own personal perception of romance or love. Enter “The Five Love Languages.”

In 1995, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” . In it, Chapman explained that there are five ways we express love to our partner. These actions or gestures can be seen as romantic, but more often than not, are ways we express what we personally value in a relationship. In other words, rather than looking at words, lavish vacations or dozens of roses, it is the little things that should be closely observed in an effort to understand your partner and their needs.

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The above graph breaks down the Five Love Languages. It also shows how to communicate them, actions to take and things to avoid. As I stated earlier, I was introduced to this a few years ago by a guy I was dating at the time. He explained that he found it helpful in understanding his partner and more importantly for his partner to understand him. What one person finds important may hold a different value to another.  Knowing your own love language and ultimately your partners, will help answer a lot of questions in your relationship in the areas of romance, love, appreciation etc.

I would say that I am about equal parts three love languages. But if I were to be honest, I am mostly “Quality Time”. For me, I value those special moments with a person above anything else. I always like to mention this concept with a new partner because I feel the sooner you understand what I value, the sooner I can understand the same for you. So the next time you are wondering how to be more romantic or how to add romance to your relationship, instead consider you and your partners love language. You may be surprised that what you have done in the past as a kind gesture, is perhaps the most romantic thing they have ever received.

Team Left Swipe

Team Left Swipe

I believe it was the Apostle Beyonce who said “To the Left, to the Left.” Who knew she would be on to something so groundbreaking back in 2006. But here we are in the world of Bumble and Tinder, happily swiping away.

I do some of my best swipe work after a few drinks. Mainly because I have a “First Picture” rule. If I am a bit buzzed and your first picture doesn’t intrigue me, I quickly swipe left. And I mean, quickly. My friends make fun of me when they see this happen in person. I need to be stimulated immediately. I then realized that many of the reasons I swipe Left are not because of things like picture quality but picture choice. I present to you: Reasons I Swipe Left….

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That Is Clearly Not Your Sister

I appreciate when you click on a guys bio and they say “Oh, and the girl in the picture is my sister” because it clearly looks like a family member or a close friend. What I am often met with are actual wedding photos. Sure, you might be divorced now, but why even post that pic on a dating app?

The Mr Potato Head Disguise

We all remember the Mr Potato Head toy. You could change his appearance by adding a hat or glasses because at the end of the day, he was in fact, a head made out of a potato. So why is that guys think it’s ok to only show pictures of them in hats and sunglasses. I’m going to assume you hate the size of your square head and you have perpetual pink eye.

Snapchat Isn’t For Teenage Girls

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a cute Snapchat filter, but in moderation. However, what self respecting guy thinks a woman is going to crawl into bed with you when you have a picture of yourself in a flower headband?

The Entourage

Perhaps the quickest way to get me to swipe left are the countless photos of you and your entourage. Why, you ask? Because it’s never the hot surfer looking guy in the back who’s profile I’m on. It’s the sad guy on the end with the forced smile. You and your friends make a good looking group, but that’s false advertisement my friend. And I will not be party to that.

Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number

I am constantly amazed at the number of guys who feel the need to lie about their age. And you know who I’m talking about. You say that you’re 25 but your photos of are you at your 2017 prom, a cap and gown and sitting on Santa’s lap. Then, you have the nerve in your bio to say “BTW, I’m actually 18.” NOOOOOOO! I couldn’t tell.

In other words guys, leave the lying about age, height, weight and natural eyebrows to the ladies. And keep these little tips in mind if you want a girl to swipe right!!!

 

The Playlist

The Playlist

I’m a singer by nature, or birth, or however you want to call it. My mother is a singer, my uncle plays drums, my grandmother was a pianist, my grandfather was a pretty famous jazz musician, and I’m the grandniece of a famous jazz pianist. Music is my life.  Because music plays a big part in my genetic makeup, it also plays a big part in my dating life.

Whenever I’m in relationship with someone, I find that I get to a point where a certain song embodies that person and our relationship. Sadly, when the relationship ends, that song becomes one of the many things that I must cast aside in order to heal and move on.  However, there are some  that stay sacred just to me because they are part of “The Playlist.”

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I don’t know about you, but there are some songs that are just your go-to mood enhancers. I enjoy a variety of them for different dating reasons. A great song to cook in the kitchen on a date. The song that plays in the car during your first kiss. The ultimate song for when you both climax. I feel that it is my musical duty to educate you, my dear reader, on a few songs that I have found helpful in different situations. Perhaps this will be a musical education for some of you, but at the end of the day, I hope the music gives you the same joy that I received!

First Kiss:

“I’m Kissing You” by Des’ree: This may seem like an obvious choice because it says the action in the title and the artist name is similar to mine. And I may be showing my age by picking a song off the 1996 “Romeo + Juliet” Soundtrack, but I don’t care. Her voice is so soulful and painfully beautiful, that if you aren’t able to grab a woman’s face and kiss her till her toes curl, then I have failed as a person.

Netflix and Chill:

“Comfortable” by Matt Cusson: This is a cover of the amazing John Mayer song. (Don’t worry, John’s on this playlist). To me, it feels like the perfect lazy Sunday song, where you are both wrapped in a blanket, binging STRANGER THINGS. After about three episodes and your toes playing footsie, this song allows you to move into a nice, subtle make-out session.

Kitchen Romance:

“Samba de Bencao” by Bebel Gilberto: I have an entire Bebel Gilberto station that is my go-to for when I’m in the kitchen. And if you haven’t had a date where you both are cooking together, I highly recommend it. I heard this song for the first time on the “Eat, Pray, Love” soundtrack and instantly fell in love. I mean, it’s in Portueguese, how sexy is that?

Slow Dance Under the Stars:

“Like a Star” by Corinne Bailey Rae: Guys, if you want to pull out some high level romantic crap, but don’t know what to do….stop the car on a starry night, play this song and slow dance with your girl. It just may get you out of any argument that you may have in the next 30 days. Honorable Mention: There is an amazing version of this song with Corinne, John Mayer and John Legend. I mean…come on!!!!

Get Naked:

“The Beautiful Ones” by Prince: Ok, I KNOW I am showing my age with this one. But seriously, if Prince isn’t somewhere on your playlist, then you obviously don’t know music. I sometimes like to take my time from the make-out to the actual bed action. (Shut up…I do!) When I do, I truly enjoy the moment where you are both so into each other and just want it to last a bit longer before you get to business. In that moment, it’s just you, that special someone and Prince. If you both aren’t naked by 3:25, you soon will be!

Shower Time:

“Gravity-Live” by John Mayer: Screw all you John Mayer haters…seriously! Whether it’s post coitus or you just want to be super sexy, taking a shower together can be hot as all hell. Before you get the suds going, you’re gonna want to crank up this song. It needs to be the LIVE version, though. The music nerd in me goes nuts for the guitar solo at the end, and you will too!

Good Morning:

“Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band: DMB has some great songs that will get you in the mood, that I feel are often overlooked. This is a great song to gently wake up to the person next to and grab into the perfect spooning position. Warning: If you need to kick someone out of bed ALA “Coyote Ugly” do NOT play this song!

Until Next Time or The Walk of Shame:

“Glory Box” by Portishead: I’m old, we get it! This has been a favorite of mine since I heard it on “The Craft” soundtrack. Whether you’re kissing each other goodbye and planning your next date, or you’re putting on your Jager drenched dress driving down 75 to make it home, this is the perfect song for you. Just to bring it full circle and current, Alessia Cara sampled this song in her record “Here”. Don’t worry, either version will work.

Honorable Mentions:

Remember when I said I had some songs that I had to cast aside because the relationship ended. Hopefully, if you find yourself in a similar situation, you can get to the point in your life when you can listen to them again. Here are a few of mine that I am happy to see back in my playlist. And for the guys these songs are related to, thank you for giving me those good memories!

“Come Live With Me” by Ray Charles

“I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by Sleeping At Last

“See You Tonight” by Scotty McCreery

“Harvest Moon” by Neil Young

“No One Else” by Amel Larrieux

“Cupid” by 112