Cuffing Season

Cuffing Season

If you’re like me, you have happily shed your two piece of the Summer with cozy sweaters and boots. Fall is here, and so is cuffing season. If you are not familiar with the term, let me, and Urban Dictionary help shed a little light on the subject. “Cuffing Season” is the time of year, usually after Halloween and shortly before Valentine’s Day, where singles begin the sometimes depressing but highly determined process to couple up. And why, you might ask? When one realizes that football is mid season, and the holidays are looming by, you can only find comfort in, well..others.

I never took much thought to the idea that a certain time period could make someone NEED to be “cuffed” up. Then again, Wedding Season makes me want to sleep with every cute Best Man I lay eyes on. But Fall of 2018 has found my Tinder and Bumble profile more active than before. Exes from my past begin to enter the picture and I go on dates, simply because I have seen everything in my Netflix que. In other words, holy crap…I kinda want to be cuffed.

My weekends were mostly spent laying poolside, drinking Jameson and being as inappropriate as possible. But now that I found myself locked in my comfy apartment, with candles and good books, my weekend is about trying out new recipes. And who wants to do that alone. I’ve always been a scotch lover and have recently taken my love of cigars to the next level. One night, while enjoying  a delicious pair of Whisky and a Robusto I thought “I kinda wish I had someone to do this with.” And this is the foundation of Cuffing Season.

 

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It’s not so much that you are trying to find Mr Right, or even Mr Right Now. People use this time to move during the seasons as a transitional period. Not to get all hippie and a little Witchy on you, but there is something to be said about the different phases of the moon and seasons. We all know when a full moon occurs. People start acting weird, strange things seem almost commonplace, and most just need no explanation. So rather than the occasional New Moon, we have an entire season full of holidays, Hallmark movies and Summertime regrets that parade in our face just begging to be confronted.

So what do you, or I, do when this happens? Why not embrace it? Rather than going out and treating this time of year as the depressing march to New Years, how about taking a different approach to dating. You’re not trying to get married (if you are and that’s your goal, by all means, do that). Instead, enjoy the time in, make new friends, try new things, make small goals and stick by them. And rather than thinking every guy is a jerk and every girl is a psycho, use this time to be “cautiously optimistic”. Besides, no wants wants to be alone seconds before Midnight on New Years Eve.

 

F%&*boy Follies

F%&*boy Follies

How are we in 2018 and f$%&boys still exist? Rather, why put up with it? But more so, why DO they exist? No but seriously, how are we here?

I know that the one million red flags of my recent follies would have me here, writing this post. He’s 25, has a job (and a side hustle…because that’s a thing now), funny, cute, good dancer and loves to communicate mostly through texts. One such text came at 10:30 pm, “What u doin?” Well, honestly, in bed watching South Park. My answer was to give him an indication of a few things. 1) At this hour, even if you knocked on my door with flowers, I’m not answering. And 2) I get a text from you for the first time in days at 10:30pm? Yeaaaa, I’m not that dumb…or blonde.

 

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Another fun late text was to meet him at a strip club…at 3 am. Now, full disclosure, I do love going to a good strip club. Especially when you’re with your man, there’s nothing hotter than to see him in awe that YOU might be enjoying yourself as much he is. But at 3 am, me and my do-rag are having a serious conversation with my pillow. I’m not sure if this puts him in true f$%&boy status or that I’m just old. Actually now that I think about it, 29 year old Desiree would have done the same thing.

The class of boy that finds these games appealing are the kind that I have very little patience for. You want to text inconsistently, come over and eat my food, be totally oblivious that I’m not enjoying my self when we have sex, oh, and sleep in a twin bed. A few dates in, and I’m already bored. But my boredom has me wondering if he would make a good squeaky play toy.

You ever notice how dogs love squeaky toys, not so much for the toy but the sound it makes? Don’t worry, I’m not going to squeeze him till he squeaks. But all that toy provides is mindless distraction. And I think every once in a while, we need a mindless distraction. Don’t get hurt, don’t invest energy, recognize they will never change and play the game. Does this make you a F$%&girl? *GASP* No. It just gives you a shiny new toy that you get to enjoy, until the next one comes along.

Dating Karma

Dating Karma

This past week one of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit me. There was A LOT of tequila. There was also a mountain of fun, tons of laughter and me schooling her on something I like to call “Dating Karma”. For me “Dating Karma” is that simple belief that the good things you do in your dating life, will manifest fully in your love life. Basically, if you’re a dick or psycho slut in your dating life, that’s the kind of love that you will attract.

So picture two attractive chocolate girls in our own personal heaven- a bar of loud, funny white guys…most of them on vacation. After a few shots and several circles around the bar, we found some cute eye candy. There was friendly banter, mutual admiration of tattoos and after about 20 mins, the two gents decided to sit with us. As the night progressed, it was clear they were pretty interested. Cut to, serious flirting, thigh rubbing  and talk of having a REAL fun evening at my apartment.

However, before anything would progress, we found out….they were BOTH married. Now, I am in no way ashamed to admit that 29 year old me would have had no problem with this. The dude wasn’t from around here, he was flying out in the morning and I’m sure there’s a cheating rule that states “Different time zone/area code-fair game.” But 39 year old me, has been through and seen a lot. Mainly as a direct relation to 29 year old me. As I weighed the pros and cons while placed firmly close to his smokin hot bod, I had to wonder if “Dating Karma” was a real thing.

 

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I am happy to report that nothing happen. We were both very good girls and they both made it home safely to their wives. I did wake up the next morning questioning my own dating karma. So if we are to believe that you get what you put out, then why am I single? And more importantly, why was attracting married men, loser f*&^boys, emotionally unavailable exes?

I figure that I had been putting out some darn good dating karma. I hadn’t strung any guys along. I ended toxic relationships. My number of one night stands had drastically decreased. And I was no longer using men for sport. Yet, karma had some other plans for me. Single for the past two years. If I look at my last two relationships; both long distance and both where the guy cheated; I seriously had some questions for Karma.

That bitch saw me being attentive, loyal and devoted. Yet they both ended in massively crappy ways. And since then, it’s been a string of lack luster, minor flights of fancy. So why was I giving Karma so much power? Because I believe as I still do, in the power of getting what you give. Maybe this is all some twisted game for her. Or she is trying to teach me that patience (which I lack) is a virtue. Either way, I have to remind myself that even though I woke up in bed alone the next morning, I hadn’t broken up any happy home. And hell, that’s got to be good for something, right?

Wanderlust and just plain LUST

Wanderlust and just plain LUST

I’ve been dreaming of Paris a lot lately. I think it may have something to do with my birthday coming up. Or it has something to do with Wanderlust. A persons strong desire to travel is called  “Wanderlust”.

Perhaps it is  the overall sense of romance behind the city, or the fact that the last time I visited it was almost ten years ago around my birthday. But it’s not just Paris…I have Wanderlust to travel WITH someone. I think it says a great deal to travel with someone that you’re dating, or your significant other. For one, to be able to endure a long flight, cramped next to someone without a shower for more than 8 hours, is a special feat in itself.

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But there is also that wonderful feeling of being able to experience a new culture with someone. Even better if it’s a place that neither of you have been before. We often get so excited to take trips to other states or perhaps even a cruise. And there is nothing wrong with either of those choices. Especially since I worked on cruise ships for years. But what about visiting a place a whole continent away? I am still amazed at how many people have never ventured further than the U.S. Outside of time, work or expense, there should be no excuse to do that ONE trip that you always say you will do, but keep putting off.

And imagine, being able to experience it with someone that you love? I’ve been so lucky to visit some amazing countries and cities. Learned different languages, viewed other cultures. But there is also a world that I haven’t seen. I’m curious to see it all, experience it all, taste it all, enjoy it all. And to be able to hold hands with someone while on that journey…is something I think I would enjoy. Besides, there’s something wickedly sensual to wake up to the sounds of exotic birds, smell unfamiliar fragrances and have a day of unplanned leisure another world away.

D.T.F

D.T.F

I believe it was the wise sage, DJ Pauly D, who first uttered the words”D.T.F”. The term which explains the state in which one is ready to participate in intercourse, is a common lingo found around bars, clubs and drunk frat houses. However, I’ve recently found it commonplace in another arena- online dating.

I am shocked…no…AMAZED…at how many matches from both Tinder and Bumble will go from the “Hello. How are you?” to the “Wanna screw?” And some, don’t even address you. As one fine gent did this morning…at 1:35 am. I immediately unmatched with him, but it made me wonder. Yes, these apps do offer a significant ease to finding someone to sleep with, but that’s not their only purpose. And if they are, at least for the user, could you pretend to be cordial and ask my last name before you ask to see my ladybox?

For some odd reason, I have a greater respect for the guys in the shirtless bathroom selfies, who blatantly put in their profile “On vacation/looking for fun/aim to please/coffee and dog lover”. At least you’re making your intentions known, even before the left swipe. Though I have fallen victim to the hot guy who’s profile I didn’t read at first. That’s always a fun awkward conversation.

Him: So you read my profile?

Me: *reads profile in horror* Um, yea. Interesting.

Him: So you free tonight?

Me: *unmatches*

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you want to have great sex. Maybe even great “Lose my number” sex. But thats a sometimes and not an all the time. And it’s certainly not something I or most women lead with. I guess my curiosity or frustrations lie in how many women these overly enthusiastic men think they will gain from that type of response? Sure, you will have the one female who may bite, and I am in no way knocking her. Do you, Boo Boo. Do you. But I hate to bring up the age old double standard….if a woman lead with a similar profile, what would guys think?

In the end, dating apps are our currently reality. They may not be perfect and I am sure in no way serve their originally designed purpose. But can we ALL agree to use some…etiquette, when it comes to approaching the topic of sex. For one, ask me out on a date? And no, you can’t ask me through Snapchat…here’s my number. Two, let’s ACTUALLY meet for said date. And IF, there is a chemistry, perhaps there will be sex. If not, I’m leaving you the bill for my two Jameson’s and deleting your number as well as your profile from my life…forever!

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The Last Great….

The Last Great….

After a chain of recent hilarious events, I’ve found myself thinking a lot of “The Last Great”…

When you look back at your dating life….the good, the bad, or potentially questionable, if you’re like me, there are a few bright shining moments. I like to call them “The Last Great…”. Whether it was the last great kiss, date, dance or romance, the collection of ray of hopeful sunshine moments from your dating history is enough to remind us all, that  your future romance is out there. And maybe more “Last Greats…” will lead to your “First Real…”.

“The Last Great Kiss”

I wrote an article about this particular kiss a while back. A first date, which lead to a walk around my lovely little hometown, and a kiss that seemed to last forever. What made it “The Last Great Kiss” was simple, I haven’t felt that kind of connection since that kiss. And I’m not talking about a sexual connection, it was something deeper than that. And it felt REAL. It’s funny how we take for granted things that aren’t in front of us, or are on our cell phones and laptops. I mean a connection where it’s just you and the person in front of you. And even if that moment never turns into a relationship, “The Last Great Kiss” was a real moment, and one I will always enjoy.

“The Last Great Morning”

I love New Orleans. I have a few sad but mostly amazing memories there. One of my favorite memories, was “The Last Great Morning” I had with a guy I dated a few years back. We got to sleep in late, something I rarely ever do. It was one of those rainy mornings in NOLA and after a pretty late night the evening before, all I needed was coffee. What I got, was a living room filed with small little white lights, John Coltrane playing in the background and freshly pressed coffee. Oh, did I mention my BF at the time was in the kitchen making the most amazing cheese crepes. We spent the rest of the morning listening to jazz, cuddled on the couch, with the NOLA rain in the background. I haven’t had another morning like that since…

 

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“The Last Great Phone Call”

This is going to seem like a random one, but hear me out. Years ago, before Snapchat and FaceTime, and wayyyyyyy before cell phones and Instant Messaging, guys and girls would spend hours on the phone talking. It’s how you knew you had a real connection and it’s also how you knew a guy really liked you. Fast forward to about 30 years later and those days are long gone. Even I have to admit, I’m not a fan of long phone calls and I’d much rather text than talk, but this guy got me on a special evening. And our phone call lasted 3 hours. We both had to work the next morning but that didn’t seem to bother either of us. We talked about everything under the sun and daydreamed about cozy warm cabins in the North Georgia mountains. We had a great first/only date which also provided some lovely moments. Every once in a while, I think about that call. I wonder what a night in the mountains would be like with a handsome, motorcycle riding, blog writing gentleman who doesn’t drink. Well, maybe my charm, a fireplace and a 30 year old scotch can change that.

“The Last Great Sex”

Let’s be honest, this is the one you all came here for. And it’s the one I’ve had the hardest time trying to pin down. Mainly because there are several gents who will read this thinking it’s them. For all of you curious handsome guys, I do apologize. Originally, I wanted to write this entire article about “The Last Great Sex” and though there has been some great, good, amazing sex in the past few years, I pondered something else. Am I really talking about the last great sex act or something more? And to be honest, I AM talking about something more. I’ve spoken about connection a few times in this article and I really feel that’s what “The Last Great Sex” is about…Connection.  Great sex can be great because of chemistry, music, carnal matching, the perfect thread count and countless other reasons. And while you know I am never one to NOT gossip about great sex, if what I am speaking on is the “The Last Great Sexual Connection”, then my dear reader, I have to be honest…it hasn’t happened yet.

So with that said, and to whomever is reading this pondering if it WAS him, take comfort in knowing…you gave me a great reference point for finding my “The Last Great”. And check back again kiddlets, because I’m sure it will be a great story to tell!

Does the “Dream Guy” exist?

Does the “Dream Guy” exist?

I know….the title is hefty. It’s also equal parts fantasy and bullshit. B.S. because you don’t ever hear guys pinning for the “Dream Girl”. And I’m not here to judge that societal norm. I’m here to talk about my “Dream Guy”, and to ask the age old question….does he really exist? No really…does he?

As I often do, I sit here with a great scotch, post a slew of bad dating decisions to bring you these nuggets of wisdom. The “Dream Guy” or “Girl” isn’t just a dream…they are the ideal. They are the fantasy that you hold up to every random bar hookup and questionable Tinder match. For me, my dream guy is equal parts Chris D’Elia, Bill Clinton, Idris Elba and Mr Darcy from “Pride & Prejudice”. Do you see a trend? No! That’s why he’s a “Dream Guy”. Not gonna lie…sprinkle a bit of Christian Grey and I may marry him on the spot.

So what makes him a dream? What makes him the fantasy that so far my reality has not been able to create? It’s simple. The “Dream Guy” is a blend of fantasy, unrealistic expectations, tequila induced daydreams and hollywood cliches…and I am 100% in the hunt for him and in NO way ashamed to admit that.

For me there are some serious aspects of the “Dream Guy” that from now on, I will no longer entertain a half hearted dating life, in order to pass the time until his arrival.

My “Dream Guy” in a nutshell:

  • is family guy. He loves his family and friends and their input means the world to him. He’s not a mama’s boy, but the woman who truly holds his heart is her.
  • is a lover of all things libations. I understand there are men who don’t drink. And I respect that. I also hope that you respect, that on our first date, if you can’t navigate yourself around a scotch menu, then you have no purpose for me.
  • is a class clown. The kiss may be the first physical thing that intrigues me about a guy, but making me laugh is the first thing that will lead to said kiss. And at the end of the day, 30 years from now, I want you to make me laugh just like you did on our first date.
  • is a protector. He is able to stand up for me and stand by me. The guy who can defend the occasional glance when people question an interracial couple, but who can also hold me after a 12 hour day at work when I feel like a failure.
  • is an amazing cook. You want to get me naked? Make a steak, add a bottle of wine and Coltrane, and I will meet you in the bedroom in an hour.
  • is emotionally available. I can’t believe I have to say this, but um yeah, don’t play with my emotions. I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t want to just screw you, and I don’t want to be your little secret. Bare your fucked up soul and I will do the same. But more importantly, understand that everyone has baggage. But your baggage doesn’t define you.
  • is self assured. Meaning he knows what he wants. He understands his flaws and works hard to do better. Why is this important? Because if I am doing the same, and so should you.
  • and finally he is passionate. And I’m not talking about earth shaking sex. I mean, kisses that lasts minutes. Glances from across the room that make us both blush. Touches that feel warm and tingle from my toes and all up my spine. He is a fire that burns and one that I will move heaven and earth to be near, because he would destroy mountains to be near mine.