A few days ago I had the horrorific experience of having a vibe die mid session. It of course was my own fault because I am the worst about charging them. Mainly because I leave them out and I hate the idea of my fiance seeing them and thinking “Oh, she’s charging Larry.” So of course this happened recently and I found myself slightly embarrassed. But not for me, but for him. I never want him to think that my toys are a replacement for him. They are however, an enhancement.
Now I fully understand that I am not like most women where using toys is not a norm. And I also understand that the idea of using toys can seem a bit defeating for some men. But I am here to get you on game for the benefits of bringing some playful vibes in the bedroom.
Variety is the Spice of Life: There is something to be said about knowing your partners moves, before they event execute them. And why is that? Because you have found yourself in a sex routine. That’s where a great toy can add something new to their rotation. Bringing in a little (or a large) toy for extra fun, is like when your teacher rolls out the VHS cart in homeroom. You know it’s gonna be a good day.
Make it for his and her pleasure: Toys are not strictly for women. Though some are marketed as such, there are many which feature dual action that both partners can enjoy. Take a look for those that are good for both men and women and give them a try.
It’s Getting Hot in Hereeeee: You are already hot and bothered, so why not get hotter. “The Drift” by Lora DiCarlo is my favorite warming vibe. You heard me…warming. It produces just enough warmth to give an amazing sensation causing some mind blowing orgasms.
Go out and Shop: If you happen to live in an area where there are adult stores, take a little shopping trip..together! It may seem awkward at first, and yes, there may be some giggles, but I believe you may be surprised at how your shopping trip ends. And be sure to ask the staff for advice. They are there to help.
Finally, solo play together: Sometimes the best way to explain to your partner what you like, is to actually show them. So why not do some solo play with your partner watching. Not only that, try doing this together. The visual of watching each other turn yourselves on brings in all sorts of mental, visual and sexual stimulation that we sometimes forget in intimacy. So show them what you turns you on and really pay attention, and listen, to your partner.
With the start of each new year, we are quick to create goals for self improvement. But what about goals if you are in a relationship or building towards a relationship? Recently I spoke to my fiancé about setting weekly goals. Tasks that we want to accomplish for ourselves in the upcoming week. Then I thought of the importance of doing the same as a couple.
We went to a local restaurant and brainstormed on not only things we wanted to accomplish that week, but also things for the upcoming few months. It was great to bounce ideas off of each other. But there is also something to be said about setting clear goals within your relationship. So here are few questions to sit and discuss with your partner broken down to one week, three months and six month goals.
And if you do try this with your partner, please tell me how it helped.
Happy Goal Setting!
One Week Goals:
What is something that you have been putting off that I can help you with?
What is something new we can try this week?
What did you learn this week that helped you either personally or professionally?
When did I make you feel most loved?
Three Month Goals:
What has made you the most proud?
What do you need more of from me?
How can I motivate you?
How is our intimacy and what would you change?
Six Month Goals:
What are you afraid to tell me?
What does the next six month look like for us?
How much closer to your own dreams do you feel and how can I help?
How are we better than where we were six months ago?
Sometimes, every once in a while, maybe more often then we desire or plan, you encounter a sex drought. There can be many reasons for this. I work in an industry that is season based. And when work is busier for me, the last thing on my mind is sex. Actually, that’s a lie. I think about it a lot because I miss it. Over time, you may encounter that there are differences between losing desire or just not having time. Either way, a drought may come upon you and your partner. When this happens, what do you do and how do you address it?
A sex drought can be the ultimate elephant in the room. And over time, it’s a conversation that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. It’s one of the classic hard topics that any couple may face and one that can sometimes trigger deeper issues. But there is no denying the importance of sex or intimacy in relationship. Anytime I have found myself in a drought, I have been fortunate to have a partner who is receptive to conversation. Recently my health has been a factor. So I am grateful to someone who is understanding in that regard. But if bringing it up in conversation is hard, what should you do?
Acknowledge the issue, don’t judge it. Too often when we bring up difficult subjects, our partner may go on the defensive. Sometimes this to protect them, sometimes it’s to deflect. Either way, try first giving face to the issue that it is present and not saying from which side it is coming from. Maybe you both work too much. Maybe you are both tired. Or maybe. it’s one or the other. Either way, saying that you recognize the drought is step one. From there, you can start moving on what to do change it.
What’s the REAL reason? I have mentioned work a lot. But let’s be honest, work isn’t going to change. So is there something deeper that is causing a pause in the bedroom? Are you feeling less desirable? Are you feeling guilty because you are busy? Is it the kids? Are you in a different mental space? This is the question you have to first really look internally for the answer before addressing it with your partner. And then, you have to be honest with whatever truth comes out.
Do you even care to get out of the drought? When you think about those old cartoons of characters being stuck in a desert, the mirage of water is always their salvation. They hallucinate to the point of hysteria because that is their ultimate goal: water! They want to be saved in order to get out of the drought. So do you want to get out? Or is this a deeper look into what is causing a shift in your relationship. Many have said that when the sex and intimacy goes, love goes. I don’t think that is true. Not totally. There are ways to look at how to move past a drought to make a relationship stronger than ever. However, there are ways to look at a drought as the beginning of the end. If that is the case….
Finding resolution. Like most relationship issues, there is an answer. Maybe not a clear one. In the case of a sexual drought, the first answer may be to address it head on, and make steps to bring sexy back. It can be a scheduled date night (which I am here to say, I am totally for. Especially if you spend the whole day sexting in preparation.) Or it may be therapy. Either way, start with step one. The answer may not even be in the bedroom. It may be in recharging your intimacy, or getting in touch with some of your deeper desires. Either way, find your way to the watering hole. And you and your partner can enter into a beautiful oasis.