I am jealous of relationships that look easy. Then again, that’s surface level stuff. It’s like a duck on a pond. We don’t see him feverishly peddling under the water, we only see the grace and ease of him gliding above the surface. So maybe I’m not jealous of those relationships.
I am actually jealous of those couples who collectively work together to make it look easy. The ones who equal part sing their partners praise, then also help them when they fall. I am envious of the couples who also tell you “Honestly, it’s not easy. It’s work. But it’s worth it.” That’s because any relationship, is work.
We grow up with fairytales and Hollywood movies that make relationships look effortless. Correction, they make “Romance” look effortless. Romance is the scene in the movie when it’s raining and the guy is outside of the girls apartment waving to her to come down because he wants to kiss her…in the rain. Like, why? My apartment is rain free. Don’t you want to kiss me inside the house?
Relationships are different. They are complicated and messy. They have their highs and lows. Some days are perfect and some days you question why you are even with this person. You also question yourself…a lot.Relationships are work and anyone who tells you otherwise, is quite honestly, an alien…and you should run.
I had this thought a few days while enjoying one of my favorite past times, a cigar and whiskey. If I am being completely honest, my current relationship has me working harder than any other, and for a variety of reasons. I took a moment and thought about my past relationships. They were so easy. I mean, really, took very little work. Some great times, amazing times and of course some bullshit. But they were all…ALL…so much easier than where I am now.
Then I thought about the men in those relationships. Things did not end well. Two cheated and one just gave up. So what made them so easy? Why did I stay so long? What about them made me happy? What about the relationships do I miss? Ok, being super honest again, the thing I missed about a couple of them was sex. It was fun. It was silly, but there was very little intimacy. I have that now. My fiancee and I put in the work and the time to learn those things that turn us on more than just bedroom acrobatics.
So what else made those past relationships easy? There were a lot of laughs with all of them. Some more than others, but laughter was the key. I was happy on the surface, but I had no idea what was brewing underneath. I didn’t know that one partner was cheating for months, another got bored and the last never wanted to be in the relationship . How did I miss the signs? We had great times. There was laughter.
That’s where the work comes in. You have to look past the calm and the ease of it all to see if you or your partner, or both of you are feverishly peddling underneath. This is hard because in most cases, you don’t want to assume something is wrong if it isn’t. You don’t want to create a problem that isn’t there. But maybe, all you need to do is ask yourself, ask your partner what they need. Not what they need in their coffee, what do they “NEED”. Maybe they need someone to help make a path while they are paddling in that water. Maybe they need you to help them paddle, or just acknowledge that you are a rockstar wife or kick ass mom who is making it look easy.
Or maybe they just want you to be next to them in that pond, present in the tranquil moment, happy you found your duck.