The Sex Report Card

The Sex Report Card

I was a decent student. Math wasn’t my strong suit, and at times it would really screw up my GPA. But overall, I had good grades. And some years, your girl made the Honor Roll. I remember always having the same sense of dread when it was Report Card time. My stomach would turn into knots and the cold sweats would begin. But what I didn’t realize until I got to college was that, what’s done is done. You can’t go back and change your study habits or turn in extra work the day the Report Card comes in. You have to accept that you’ve done your best and now prepare to be judged accordingly.

One day, out of the blue, it hit me. What if we could have a Report Card, based on how we are in bed? Ok, hear me out, because I know I’m going to lose a lot of you. I like to think that I am pretty darn talented at certain things. My name means “Desire” for crying out loud. And I am WELL aware that most men think they are far superior in several areas of sex and dating. So what if, you were able to have your partner or former partners rate you? Get brutally honest feedback. Why, you ask? Because too many of us (yours truly included) give ourselves wayyyyy too much credit, when we need to look reality straight in its limp penis face and accept some hard truths. Plus, how can you get better if you don’t learn from your mistakes?

m-af-may14-report-card-1

Here were my requirements and questions for my first ever Sex Report Card:

  • I would only ask men that I had slept with more than once. (Sorry, that one night stand might have been amazing for you, but there is a reason it happened once.)
  • If a guy was currently married, I would not have him participate. (Even if this is for the sake of research, I am not about to have a mad wife coming after me.)
  • As with all of my posts, all participants are anonymous. (But you know who you are 😉

The questions were:

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed?
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed?
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again?

The grades came back from three Report Card evaluators. Answers have been paraphrased.  I present for your enjoyment, my Sex Report Card.

Report Card 1:

I have known this gentleman for 6 years. We had a great deal in common like travel and I became a fan of a totally new sport because of him. He always made me laugh and is still a good friend and mentor to this day.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You had really great oral skills, I always enjoyed that. 
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wasn’t a fan of choking you. What if you passed out and died? 🙂
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 8
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

 

Report Card 2:

This guy I have known for 7 years. I am a fan of any man that will kill a bottle of Jameson as quickly as I can. Not to mention his devotion to his job is admirable. We are still good friends.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You are tons of fun in bed when you don’t act like a princess. 
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I was afraid that I would hurt you when I chocked you. **
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? 10
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

 

Report Card 3:

I’m not going to lie when I say that this report card, was not only my favorite, but it was the most thorough. If it was possible for me to print his entire full written response, I would. I have known this man for over 10 years and he is always a constant surprise.

  • What did I do in bed that you enjoyed? You’re very creative. I like that you are open to try anything.
  • What did I do in bed that you did NOT enjoy? I wish you swallowed. *
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate me in bed? You are in my top 13% of women I have ever been with.
  • And finally, would you sleep with me again? Yes

After re-reading part of his response, I feel the need to give a sample of his well written (if not highly ego boosting) reply to the Sex Report Card:

“It is always about the other person with Desiree. You as her partner just have to realize that you need to show her that same attention in return and not take advantage.”

Side Notes:

** I found it interesting that not only did two Report Cards say almost the same thing as a dislike, but another individual, who out of respect for me, decided not to do the full Report Card, mentioned it was something he didn’t like, as well. Who knew some men would get sensitive about a little autoerotic asphyxiation.

* I am at a loss that this was something I didn’t do with him, when in fact, I have done it before. Hmm?

At the end of the day, this very personal post was just as entertaining as it was eye opening. I’m grateful for their responses and the resulting conversations that we had afterwards. The point kiddlets, what YOU think you do well, may be something that you partner doesn’t enjoy. And in my case, something that I enjoy, may make your partner feel uncomfortable. This is where communication in and out of the bedroom is so important. So if my Report Card has taught you one thing (or many things that I enjoy), I hope that it is to be mindful of not only your needs, but you partners. And hey, if you REALLY want to know what others think about you, ask for your own Report Card.

I dare ya!

 

 

 

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