Things Guys Like to Hear in Bed

This is a public service announcement. Guys we know your dirty little secret and it’s about time that I spill the beans. You are all magnificent and wonderful Gods in bed.

Lol. I know right?! They think we say that about them. Ok, ok. Let me clean up my computer screen. As you all know, I have taken my sexual hiatus very seriously. Oh crap, now I have to clean the screen again. Right. Let me start over.

It came to my attention that men seem to respond very well when they hear the right things in bed. Like a mother encouraging their child to do good in school based on past accomplishments, men take that same since of positive motivation to do better in bed. Here’s the problem. They don’t have the imagination that we do. Women believe in all that wistful bull shit that has made 50 Shades of F*&ing Grey so popular. Men are simple creatures. Now I am not saying we need to create stick figure signs and hold them up when a guy is doing his part to fertilize your lady bits, but here are few lines that should get his attention, and hopefully a more focused sexual partner.

Warning: I may or may not have said these, like 100 times. 

  • “Ohhhh” (insert name)– This is the gold standard and should be used often. Not because you forgot his name, but it’s a great way to remind yourself who is in your bed, not to mention, it reminds you not to scream out the name of the guy you are thinking about in your head.
  • “Yeaaaaaaa”- From the greek word “Yes” meaning “Don’t Stop”. This is highly effective when the young scout has gone on a southern expedition and has come to the perfect fork in the road.
  • “That was amazing”- Ok. I will admit. If I have ever said this, I lied. Guys, that’s the point. If ANY girl has said this, she is lying. If it was really amazing, she isn’t going to say anything. She is going to lie there like a whipped mound of jelly and convulse when you do so much as touch her hair. But hey, if hearing it makes you feel good about yourself, by all means champ, enjoy!
  • “You are the best”- See above
  • “I’ve never done that before”- This should only be used when you have pulled out some secret Jenna Jameson tantric crap that makes HIM lie in bed like a whipped mound of jelly. Trust me, you both will be very proud of yourself.
  • “Oh God”- Whatever your religious belief, there is nothing more powerful than bringing the lord in bed with you. Now, be careful with this. With great words comes great responsibility and when you start throwin around the lawds name, guys start thinking they are doing alllll the right moves. And let’s be honest, if you are gonna scream that, you need to make sure he actually did something deserving. Like put the toilet seat down post coitus. And finally….
  • “Of course I came”– Ok, this makes me giggle. For some reason, guys need that extra reassurance that we enjoyed their efforts. The key to this statement is making it believable. It’s called acting. So you want to be convincing. Think Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”. But like the above statement, if you use it too often, they will start to get suspicious. And nothing ruins sex then a doubtful partner worrying about his self worth…and who is going to get up and grab the towel.

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