Romance- Women’s Edition

I was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday. Yes, he is a guy and no I haven’t slept with him. Get your mind out of the gutter. Any way, he asked me why women have such unrealistic views on romance. Unrealistic? Because we are surrounded by every stereotype of romance and love that the media shoves down our throat? Because we believe that romantic comedies are ALL based loosely on real life? Because we cry and know all the lines of Adele’s songs? Our views are unrealistic? Well, yea, they are.

CRAP! I gave it away. Ok. It’s quite simple. And to be honest, you boys have yourself to blame. Some women have unrealistic, hyperbole-esque views of romance because they feel the need to compensate what they AREN’T getting in a relationship. So it’s easy, give her what she needs and don’t worry when she freaks out that one of her girlfriends got flowers “Just Because” and you sent her a dancing rose cartoon on gchat.

Now, I will say this. And if you tell anyone, I will deny it with my last breath. I am an uber-romantic. I actually love that shit. I am what you call a non-traditional romantic. Yea…cards, flowers, candy and soft music are nice. But I love watching a sun rise on the roof of an office building that you have to break in to. (Yea-did it!) Or a random slow dance on the side of the road. (Did that too) But I do all those things for two reasons. The first- I feel like guys get the raw deal on the romance side of dating. We not only have these high expectations, but we put them out there for men to ultimately fail.

The second reason is the Golden Rule. “Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.” Men are very visual creatures. They work very well by learning by example. So showing what romance means to you, or displaying things that you would enjoy for them, gives them a clue as to what you want. Remember, their biggest pet peeve about women is that we assume WAY too much. So stop assuming and start doing.

You want a night out dancing? Ask him. You want a romantic picnic? Do it. You want candles and soft music? Plan it. But remember, sometimes you have to put in the work to get the desired outcome. So stop making the poor guy feel guilty. He isn’t dumb, but he may need a little coaching.

The Black and White of Dating

There was once a time when a black man and a white woman could not be seen walking down the street holding hands. I know this because I heard the stories told by my white grandmother and black grandfather. And this wasn’t too long ago. We’re talking 35/40 plus years ago. And forget about the 60’s. My grandparents were lucky, they lived in the north, where, let’s be honest, race relations were a little different than the south.

I grew up with my grandparents in Maryland in what many would call a middle/upper class neighborhood. As the only grandchild, I had a lot of wonderful opportunities. Travel, education, hobbies; many things which shaped the person I am today. One of those things was the chance to be around a variety of cultures and social backgrounds. My grandmother is Irish and at times I was the only little tan person at mass. (Mass by the way highly boring compared to my southern family and our southern Baptist church) The advantage was that I was exposed to so many different people, with different views and different cultures. However, I spent most of my life in areas that were mainly white.

With that said, most of my friends were white as well as most of the guys I dated. My first crush, a gorgeous tanned and blonde lifeguard named Tristan, was my lustly love in the summer of 1990. I remember going to the pool everyday, just to see him. NOTE- As a black woman I would later realize that my going to said pool everyday would have a not some pleasant effect on my hair. I should have noticed then, how strange it was that I was the ONLY black person there on a regular basis, but that was the beauty about living with my grandparents. They taught me that we are all born different races, colors, and nationalities and that there is nothing wrong with us all being able to live and love together.

Now this may come to a shock to some of you, but my first “boyfriend” was black. Sixth grade, named Donnie, it lasted until 8th period. In my life I have dated two other black men, the rest have all been white. The common question I get is why? My joke answer is that I date white men to improve my credit score. But to be honest, I date the men I feel most comfortable with. I date the men who are most attracted to me and in most cases I date then men with the most common background as myself. My annoyance however, comes from white men and their random stereotypical ideas of black women.

Not that I mind being most white mens first, I have to laugh when I get what is usually the first question asked on every date I have ever been on with a white guy who has NEVER dated a sista. “So I heard that black women (insert racial, sexual, dating stereotype here) that true?” I can never understand why it is the common theory that we do things soooo differently than women of other races. Now, I will say, some of those theories are true, but I have to wonder where these dating rumors come from. I am almost prepared for one guy to say to me  “I hear that black women like to be dressed up as maids while they have sex. Is that true?” Why of course it is.

The point is, every woman, regardless of her race is different. Yes, you can make general views based on race, but at the end of the day, we are women. We have certain strong desires, certain things that make us wonderful and others that make us a little crazy. But I will say, stepping out of your own race to date another is not only an interesting social experience, but it may open you up for wonderful relationships and different viewpoints that you might never have discovered. Besides, how cute are mixed babies?


They Still Make You?


I love Chris Rock. The above clip is from his comedy special “Bigger and Blacker”. I remember the first time I saw it, and laughing so hard that I was in tears. But I also recall thinking, he has some very valid points. The above mentioned being the biggest.

When it comes to oral sex, I will admit, women are greedy. I know! Shocked to hear us say, right? But it’s true. We want to enjoy it and in some cases thats all we want. We want to receive and not do any giving. Some of us feel that our love and other special talents should be enough. And some women, and I am ashamed to say this, don’t believe in it at all. Like Chris Rock says, you have to look at women who doesn’t perform oral like a beta max, “They still make you?”

I argue that a woman who doesn’t perform oral feels this way for two reasons. First, she  truly hates it. For her, there is no pleasure. And if there is no pleasure, why is she doing it? Not only that, some feel its demeaning. So they would rather do every other Leave It To Beaver move than to go downtown. Reason number two, she might not be good at it. I don’t care what any guy says, there is such a thing as a bad bj. And though you might be excited you are getting attention down there, admit it, you would rather have nothing than to have a woman act like she is licking a lemon.

So what does a guy do in either case? In the first, find out how she truly feels about performing oral. Whether its from a bad experience or a *cough* taste issue *cough*, talk to her and see if you can find a compromise. Remember, at our core, we love to please. In the second, you have to treat this one tactfully. We don’t want to hear you say “You are horrible, just stop” Instead, give her clever pointers. If you notice, we are never at a loss for telling you what to do. So if you have a secure enough woman (and the secure part is the key word) then you should be able to be a great bj coach and walk her through what you like.

But may I remind you fellas, that if you are the one enjoying this little carnal treat, remember it is also good to give back. And you know what I mean. But that’s another topic, for another day.

You Expect Me To Pay?

I get this question asked a lot. Should a man pay on the first date? To be honest, I am a bit back and forth on this subject. The Suzy Homemaker in me, says yes. HOWEVER, I do feel that if YOU are a gutsy gal like me and you ask the guy out, than by all means you should pay or at the very least, offer. The women who only feel that a man should pay for everything, kinda make me sick. And a little sad. Come on ladies, this isn’t the time of our mothers or grandmothers. We can’t say in one minute that we are strong independent women, then succumb to those old tales of yore.

But, I will say, there was this one time….

Ok, I am not proud to admit this, but I totally lied about my age to this guy. Not like, “Oh I am 25”, when I was really 29. Kinda like I was 16 and told him I was 21. I KNOWWWWWW! So bad. And to make matters worse…well, I won’t tell you how old he was. But I will say this, he sold cars for a living. As a matter of fact, he provided the best pick up I have ever encountered. While stopped at a traffic light, he made me roll down my window, told me I was cute, followed me through three more lights and then tossed his business card through my window.

Moving on…

For our first date, we met for coffee and a movie at the mall. Seriously, he should have guessed how old I was when I suggested meeting at the mall! But me being smart and safe, I had my best friend come to the mall and follow us, in case he was a serial killer or worse, a Mormon. We were going to be late for the movie if we had coffee, so we skipped forward to the film. While standing in line to get our tickets, it happened. I popped up to the counter and asked for two tickets for whatever funny chick flick was in at the time. “That’ll be $12” the woman behind the plexiglass said. See kids, there was a time when it didn’t require a small loan to go to the movies.

“Um, hun. I forgot my wallet” he said. I’m sorry, what? Now keep in mind, I am 16. This is my first “big girl” date and this has never happened in my oh so limited dating experience at this time. “You uh, forgot your wallet?” I said. “Yea, I think it’s at my place. We can go back there and get it.” If my grandmother was with me, she would have said RUNNNN. Lucky for me, I wasn’t stupid. “You know”, I said “I think if I head home now, I can try to cram for my Law final”. (College students studied law, right?)

I never saw him again, though he called several times for a “makeup date”. I am pretty sure I escaped an episode of “To Catch a Predator”, I am also sure it was my first and last “Sorry I lost my wallet” excuse. From then on I remembered what my mother said “Bring enough money to pay your way and most importantly, get yourself home…in case you need it” So ladies, if we have learned anything from this, remember, it’s ok to have him pay for the first date, it is NOT ok to think it will always happen. But if he opens his wallet, you should at the very least open….your own door 😉

The Best of 2012

Happy New Year kiddies!

Ok, so this is going to be short and sweet, but here it is. I am asking all of you to challenge yourself. Having had a recent conversation with someone who is very dear to me, the topic of Sexual Superhero came up. Ok, maybe I came up with that and demanded her to create a Sexual Superhero. Why? Well it’s simple. Do you ever notice that you do the same thing over and over again, whether dating and/or in bed? Do you find yourself wishing to be more curious, but terrified to try? Do friends call you the prude of the group? Hell, have you not taken a good look at the equipment downstairs?

Well what are you waiting for? Become a Sexual Superhero!! And I mean, go out there and give yourself a challenge and do it! Now, I can say be a Dating Superhero, for those of you who would like to crawl before you walk. But it’s not hard to do. And here’s how. Everything that you have ever wanted to try, try. Anyone you have ever wanted to ask out, ask. Any place you have ever wanted to go, go. And position you have wanted to do, for heavens sake…DO IT!

The change you want to see in your life, whether in your relationships, bed, profession, family and friends, does not happen by those who sit on the sidelines. Get out there and do it. And make mistakes. Make tons of them. But when you do, learn from them. I am sooooo over the girls who keep saying “Aw, I keep ending up with the bad guy.” Or guys who say “Aw, I am so tired of dating psychos.” Guess what, it might not be them. It might be YOU! So change it! Do something different.

Finally, love HARD! The next time you have an amazing date, the next time you have a perfect moment, the next time you look in their eyes and can hear  Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” in the background, SAVOUR it. Think of it as the last date, the last moment, the last kiss, the last anything you may enjoy in life and ENJOY it! Remember, some people might not have that chance, but you do.

So make the year of the Dragon a fabulous year. Go out there, date, have fun, and enjoy every moment of it!