Love in the dark?

I noticed something. And I am going to go so far as to say, that I am not the only person who does this. But I have a bit of performance anxiety when the lights are on. Meaning, I do some of my best work in the dark. Ironic, knowing that when I was a child my grandmother use to have this saying “Whatever you do in the dark, will come out in the light.” For some reason, you can call me a very mature child because I always thought it had something to do about sex. I mean, when I saw the scrambled Skin-a-Max channels, the actors were always in the dark. But later I found that it meant, what you think you can hide metaphorically in the dark, will always come out in the literal light.

For me, there is no metaphor, I am trying to hide myself in the dark. I could never understand it when I a guy says “Wait. I want to see you. Let me turn the lights on.” I kid you not, when I hear that, my heart leaps into my chest and I turn into Gizmo. You know. You can’t feed them after midnight and they aren’t suppose get direct light. At first I thought it was because I just never wanted someone to see the faces I make, because lets face it, no one ever makes “Sexy Faces”. But then I realized, its my body. Even when I lost over 40 lbs, I still remember thinking, “You sure as hell aint seeing my back fat.”

Now in truth ladies, when a guy gets to this point, they could really care less about what we look like. I am reminded of an episode of Nip/Tuck when the hot Dr Christian Troy has sex with a character played by Rosie O’ Donnell. And what does he do? He puts a paper bag over her head. They don’t really care. I mean, they care about the look that got us to the bedroom, but after that, the person putting the most pressure on our appearance is ourselves. And we are pathetic in our vanity, too. I present for the court, the secrets of The Female Sex Ninja:

  • One must always lay down on your back. This allows gravity to do its part, and thus make us look skinnier. 
  • One must always arch as far back as possible when on top. This gives the illusion that our breasts are perkier than they normally are. 
  • If one must turn over, you must do so in the utmost sexiest and fastest way. This prevents the long time gap of moving body fat over and thus making us look unattractive to our mate.
  • One must try to prevent noises from coming from our nether regions. (This needs no explanation)
  • One must practice the groans and sounds that come out of our mouth. This prevents us from sounding like we are in pain or a whining child, which will then freak your mate out if you do in fact have children. 
  • And finally, no matter how much we may like to, one must not attempt to re-create scenes from a porno. We are  not Jenna Jameson. Hell, she isn’t even Jenna Jameson.
So, are we wrong for feeling a little insecure? Of course not. But next time, dare yourself to keep the lights on for at least two minutes….while he’s in the bathroom. Hey, it still counts!