Mr Where Do You Think You’re Putting That Thing

I have a slight addiction. No, not that…though I may need to seek help of some sort. But no, my addiction is to high heels. Because I wear heels so many of them, and not to mention they accentuate my 2nd best feature (you can guess what my best feature is), I have a natural tendency to be attracted to tall men. However, short men, and I preface this by saying shorter than me, find a large attraction to me. My thing is, I can love the package regardless, but if we go out and I am towering over you in my heels, I start to love the package a little less.
So when I went on a date with a handsome guy from Tennessee, I tried very hard to look past my theory on short men. Ok, so we all know this theory, and short guys you might not want to admit it being true. But it is said that the height of a man can parallel the short, um, length of his member. Hence my love for tall guys. Not to mention, what girl doesn’t like standing on her tippy toes to kiss a guy? Now when I say he was short, for a man, he was quite average. He was 5’8 (I’m 5’9 in heels), rugged country boy, killer smile and great taste in music. 
I was already a sucker when on our second date, dinner at his place, I realized that he lived in a cabin that overlooked The Great Smoky Mountains and had a hot tub on the patio. Yea, I was pretty much done. After an awesome dinner and a dip in the hot tub (did I mention there was a light snow fall?), the moment kind of wrapped us in a frenzy of hot sexual tension. Needless to say, we jumped out of the hot tub and ran straight to the enormous master bed. As I dried off, he slowly undressed, and then the most amazing thing happened. I was speechless. If you know me, you know how rare this is.  I sat on the bed, in actual awe and utter silence. 
Here stood before me, quite simply something I was so not letting get near me. He smirked and I looked at him and said “And where, sir, do you think you are putting that thing?” (Thus his name). “Yea. I get that reaction a lot.”, he said. Um, YA THINK?! Now ladies, I am sure we have all encountered something similar, or even something where you have been delightfully surprised. But there is a difference, a very large difference from surprise vs scared. As we began kissing, I tried very hard to actually put myself in a mental state as to prepare for what was about to happen.
Ok….I stretched, I ate something, I’m totally hydrated, WHAT THE HELL?? NO! No way! No how, is that THING going anywhere near Miss Twila. NO! I mean, talk about false advertising. Here is this attractive, quiet, SHORT country boy with Mustafa in his pants. I have heard of the short, white man urban legend, but I have always thought it to be an urban legend. Kind of like the black republican. But there he was, in the flesh. So I prepared myself, you can do this, you have a tattoo for crying out loud. How hard can it be? (pun intended)
To my amazement, it was awesome! The urban legend also leads you to believe that with great size, comes horrible technique. This was not the case with Mr Where Do You Think You’re Putting That Thing. We dated for about two months and had great sex. However, I did have to meditate before each encounter. I would like to say, that since then I have come across several men like him, happy large surprises. But alas, such has not been the case. But I will keep searching, hoping to find another urban legend like him and perhaps voting republican in the process.

Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life

I know I am not the only one to admit this. But there is always that one, ok…maybe two…people that you have had relations with, that you would rather forget the whole event ever happened. Not that the mood wasn’t there, the kissing wasn’t perfect or even that you didn’t look your best. Simply put, the sex sucked. And not in the,  the opening credits were crappy but the final scene was epic, kind of sucked. I mean, all together, the sex was just lousy.

Case in point with Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. I have referred to him as this because I will deny our ever having sex, let alone kissing, until the day that I die. I won’t tell you the details about how we first got to the bedroom, I will just tell you this, work sexual tension gives you false hope that the person flirting on the other end might be good in the sack.

So one night after work, we got together. The first sign of this sinking sexual Titanic, he was ok at kissing. Now I will say this, there are some men out there who have lost the fine art of kissing. I mean, melt your panties off, feel lightheaded, the room actually spinning and Oh My God I think I can have an orgasam, kind of kissing. Think of it this way, that should be your version of “This is Why You Should Sleep With Me” sales tactic, to get us in bed. I have stop stronger men in their tracks simply based on the fact that they were bad kissers.

But for some dumb reason, I let this minor major flaw slide. The clothes disappear, the “kissing” continues, and I am instantly bored. If you start your lovemaking by doing long division in your head, that’s a bad sign, right? Hell yea it is! But it’s kind of like ordering a drink out with friends and everyone deciding to leave early. You try your best to finish the drink off as fast as you can, not letting it go to waste, when there are times, you should just get your crap and go.

So I am sure you are wondering what made him Mr I’ve Never Seen You Before In My Life. Well it was the Holy Trinity of Bad Sex: Lousy Kisser, Small Unit,  No Skills. Now I say this because having one or two of those things going wrong can still somewhat redeem you in the eyes of us ladies. Having them all go wrong, well, you run the risk of being laughed at by us and our girlfriends.

It was a few years later when one of my friends brought his name up. “Hey, didn’t you hook up with…” I stopped her mid sentence, looked her dead in the face and with every bit of Erica Cane soap opera acting conviction, I said to her…I’ve Never Slept With Him Before In My Life!