What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

I love my friends. I love that they try to so hard to see me happy. Whether it’s in my professional life or my personal life, they go to great lengths to see me happy. One such friend however, decided to do the thing I hate the most….set me up on a date. I was recently talking to a newly engaged co-worker who asked me what I was looking for a in a man. These two situations had me thinking, “What DO I want in a man?”

When I was in college, I wrote a list of 100 things I wanted in a Dream Guy. My thought was, he really would be the perfect guy for me, if he had all 100 things that I wrote on my list. Over the next few years, I would go back and look at that list. Mainly in horror at what I thought was a NEED. But mostly out of amazement, that my needs changed drastically.

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Just like our palette, fashion sense and choice of movies, we get older and our needs change. 21 year old Desiree was so focused on what she wanted from a guy. But a few years older, a divorce, a few breakups and one heart ache, my needs have definitely changed. So to answer the question asked by several of my well meaning friends, here’s what I need in a guy…my top 5 requirements.

  1. Laughter- I am funny. No seriously, I am. Hilarious. I’m silly, goofy, slightly inappropriate and sarcastic AF. That kind of humor is not for everyone. When I think about guys from my past what sticks out about several of them, was their ability to make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine and in some cases, the best way to end and argument. For me, if you can make me laugh, it means you don’t take yourself (or me) too seriously. It says, you’re up for an adventure and fun.
  2. Chemistry- Let’s be honest. There has to be a spark. And I hate to admit it, but I get bored easily. If two people don’t have chemistry, what will be the thing that keeps the passion going? I’m not saying that I need to see you walk in the door and jump you before you cross the floor. What I am saying is, you should feel that butterfly in your stomach whenever you see me, because I assure you, I will feel the same.
  3. Height- I know this is random but it’s a big physical thing for me. I wear heels. High heel shoes, heeled boots and I may own a few pair of Louboutin’s. I NEED you to be taller than me. For one, pictures are so awkward when you’re not. Two, heels or not, if I look down to kiss you I feel like an odd freak of nature. Every girl loves the feeling of standing on her tippy toes to kiss a guy. That, and I believe  the guy equivalent of girls doing creative shots to hide their weight, are guys showing photos of themselves sitting in cars. No sir, I need to see you standing next to a small elephant!
  4. Education- I recently went on a date with a sweet young gent. When he asked me how my day was, I replied that it was fine, but that I did have some H.R. stuff to deal with, which is never fun. His reply was “What’s H.R?” Now I’m not saying that you need a Harvard education, what I am saying is, you need to be able to have an educated and insightful conversation with me. And again, let me stress, an intelligent conversation can be anything. I can just as easily debate the need for universal health care as I can why the “ManBearPig” episode of South Park is stellar television.
  5. Passion- At first glance, I’m sure you’re thinking I mean in the bedroom. Well…that too. But I mean more than physical passion. I have dated men who were passionate about comics, the environment, their children or the military. Their passion was evident in everything they did and believed in. It was a part of what made me fall for them. Passion is about having that unyielding dedication to someone or something. Something to believe in. Something to fight for. In any good relationship, you want someone to believe in you and you want someone who will fight for you. What you need is a man with passion.

Looking at this very small list, makes me wonder what college aged Desiree would think. Would you she laugh at what I consider are my top needs? Or would she argue that “Keanu Reeves” is still a valid requirement for the perfect guy. Not a guy LIKE Keanu, I meant, Keanu himself. Either way, sometimes what we need to do is think long and hard about what it is that we may NEED in a partner. Often times, it speaks to what we are lacking in ourselves.

Letting Go- Girl Move On!

Letting Go- Girl Move On!

I am not ashamed to admit that I see a therapist. Often. I think more people should. But that’s not what this post is about. After going through all of my basic history and running my therapist up to speed about my life, I proceeded to spend about 10 minutes talking about my ex. You know the one. The one that plays on an endless loop of mental memories of good times, bad times and a million “What If’s”.

Then I had a moment of, well honestly..F*&%ING STOP! What we do when we gravitate to the past or we hold on to those amazing former memories, is feel sad that we don’t have that. But as I am reminded by my mother almost on weekly basis, we actually have to be thankful for them. There is something to learn about the loss of love. There is something to be grateful for it. And more importantly, there is something that you need to identify in order to not make the same mistakes again.

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Even as I write this, I have to laugh. It’s probably one of the dating lessons that I find the hardest even at my age to really learn. But that’s the beauty about lessons. Just like when you were a kid at school, it took you a while to learn something. You had to practice. There were reviews. Trial and Error. Maybe a practice test.

So just think of those pasts heartbreaks as the ultimate practice test. When the test is over, good or bad, there’s nothing more you can do. And sure, for you snooty little “A” students who would do extra credit just to get two more points, ok, good for you! For the rest of us “C” students, we know. That ‘ish was done. And though we may have wished it went better, we just have to hope that the next test gives us a better result.

The next test in your life may be your “A”. It may be easier than the others. And you may find that this is the one, you were meant to work so hard to have  and learn from, in your life.

Cuffing Season

Cuffing Season

If you’re like me, you have happily shed your two piece of the Summer with cozy sweaters and boots. Fall is here, and so is cuffing season. If you are not familiar with the term, let me, and Urban Dictionary help shed a little light on the subject. “Cuffing Season” is the time of year, usually after Halloween and shortly before Valentine’s Day, where singles begin the sometimes depressing but highly determined process to couple up. And why, you might ask? When one realizes that football is mid season, and the holidays are looming by, you can only find comfort in, well..others.

I never took much thought to the idea that a certain time period could make someone NEED to be “cuffed” up. Then again, Wedding Season makes me want to sleep with every cute Best Man I lay eyes on. But Fall of 2018 has found my Tinder and Bumble profile more active than before. Exes from my past begin to enter the picture and I go on dates, simply because I have seen everything in my Netflix que. In other words, holy crap…I kinda want to be cuffed.

My weekends were mostly spent laying poolside, drinking Jameson and being as inappropriate as possible. But now that I found myself locked in my comfy apartment, with candles and good books, my weekend is about trying out new recipes. And who wants to do that alone. I’ve always been a scotch lover and have recently taken my love of cigars to the next level. One night, while enjoying  a delicious pair of Whisky and a Robusto I thought “I kinda wish I had someone to do this with.” And this is the foundation of Cuffing Season.

 

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It’s not so much that you are trying to find Mr Right, or even Mr Right Now. People use this time to move during the seasons as a transitional period. Not to get all hippie and a little Witchy on you, but there is something to be said about the different phases of the moon and seasons. We all know when a full moon occurs. People start acting weird, strange things seem almost commonplace, and most just need no explanation. So rather than the occasional New Moon, we have an entire season full of holidays, Hallmark movies and Summertime regrets that parade in our face just begging to be confronted.

So what do you, or I, do when this happens? Why not embrace it? Rather than going out and treating this time of year as the depressing march to New Years, how about taking a different approach to dating. You’re not trying to get married (if you are and that’s your goal, by all means, do that). Instead, enjoy the time in, make new friends, try new things, make small goals and stick by them. And rather than thinking every guy is a jerk and every girl is a psycho, use this time to be “cautiously optimistic”. Besides, no wants wants to be alone seconds before Midnight on New Years Eve.

 

F%&*boy Follies

F%&*boy Follies

How are we in 2018 and f$%&boys still exist? Rather, why put up with it? But more so, why DO they exist? No but seriously, how are we here?

I know that the one million red flags of my recent follies would have me here, writing this post. He’s 25, has a job (and a side hustle…because that’s a thing now), funny, cute, good dancer and loves to communicate mostly through texts. One such text came at 10:30 pm, “What u doin?” Well, honestly, in bed watching South Park. My answer was to give him an indication of a few things. 1) At this hour, even if you knocked on my door with flowers, I’m not answering. And 2) I get a text from you for the first time in days at 10:30pm? Yeaaaa, I’m not that dumb…or blonde.

 

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Another fun late text was to meet him at a strip club…at 3 am. Now, full disclosure, I do love going to a good strip club. Especially when you’re with your man, there’s nothing hotter than to see him in awe that YOU might be enjoying yourself as much he is. But at 3 am, me and my do-rag are having a serious conversation with my pillow. I’m not sure if this puts him in true f$%&boy status or that I’m just old. Actually now that I think about it, 29 year old Desiree would have done the same thing.

The class of boy that finds these games appealing are the kind that I have very little patience for. You want to text inconsistently, come over and eat my food, be totally oblivious that I’m not enjoying my self when we have sex, oh, and sleep in a twin bed. A few dates in, and I’m already bored. But my boredom has me wondering if he would make a good squeaky play toy.

You ever notice how dogs love squeaky toys, not so much for the toy but the sound it makes? Don’t worry, I’m not going to squeeze him till he squeaks. But all that toy provides is mindless distraction. And I think every once in a while, we need a mindless distraction. Don’t get hurt, don’t invest energy, recognize they will never change and play the game. Does this make you a F$%&girl? *GASP* No. It just gives you a shiny new toy that you get to enjoy, until the next one comes along.

Dating Karma

Dating Karma

This past week one of my oldest and dearest friends came to visit me. There was A LOT of tequila. There was also a mountain of fun, tons of laughter and me schooling her on something I like to call “Dating Karma”. For me “Dating Karma” is that simple belief that the good things you do in your dating life, will manifest fully in your love life. Basically, if you’re a dick or psycho slut in your dating life, that’s the kind of love that you will attract.

So picture two attractive chocolate girls in our own personal heaven- a bar of loud, funny white guys…most of them on vacation. After a few shots and several circles around the bar, we found some cute eye candy. There was friendly banter, mutual admiration of tattoos and after about 20 mins, the two gents decided to sit with us. As the night progressed, it was clear they were pretty interested. Cut to, serious flirting, thigh rubbing  and talk of having a REAL fun evening at my apartment.

However, before anything would progress, we found out….they were BOTH married. Now, I am in no way ashamed to admit that 29 year old me would have had no problem with this. The dude wasn’t from around here, he was flying out in the morning and I’m sure there’s a cheating rule that states “Different time zone/area code-fair game.” But 39 year old me, has been through and seen a lot. Mainly as a direct relation to 29 year old me. As I weighed the pros and cons while placed firmly close to his smokin hot bod, I had to wonder if “Dating Karma” was a real thing.

 

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I am happy to report that nothing happen. We were both very good girls and they both made it home safely to their wives. I did wake up the next morning questioning my own dating karma. So if we are to believe that you get what you put out, then why am I single? And more importantly, why was attracting married men, loser f*&^boys, emotionally unavailable exes?

I figure that I had been putting out some darn good dating karma. I hadn’t strung any guys along. I ended toxic relationships. My number of one night stands had drastically decreased. And I was no longer using men for sport. Yet, karma had some other plans for me. Single for the past two years. If I look at my last two relationships; both long distance and both where the guy cheated; I seriously had some questions for Karma.

That bitch saw me being attentive, loyal and devoted. Yet they both ended in massively crappy ways. And since then, it’s been a string of lack luster, minor flights of fancy. So why was I giving Karma so much power? Because I believe as I still do, in the power of getting what you give. Maybe this is all some twisted game for her. Or she is trying to teach me that patience (which I lack) is a virtue. Either way, I have to remind myself that even though I woke up in bed alone the next morning, I hadn’t broken up any happy home. And hell, that’s got to be good for something, right?

Wanderlust and just plain LUST

Wanderlust and just plain LUST

I’ve been dreaming of Paris a lot lately. I think it may have something to do with my birthday coming up. Or it has something to do with Wanderlust. A persons strong desire to travel is called  “Wanderlust”.

Perhaps it is  the overall sense of romance behind the city, or the fact that the last time I visited it was almost ten years ago around my birthday. But it’s not just Paris…I have Wanderlust to travel WITH someone. I think it says a great deal to travel with someone that you’re dating, or your significant other. For one, to be able to endure a long flight, cramped next to someone without a shower for more than 8 hours, is a special feat in itself.

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But there is also that wonderful feeling of being able to experience a new culture with someone. Even better if it’s a place that neither of you have been before. We often get so excited to take trips to other states or perhaps even a cruise. And there is nothing wrong with either of those choices. Especially since I worked on cruise ships for years. But what about visiting a place a whole continent away? I am still amazed at how many people have never ventured further than the U.S. Outside of time, work or expense, there should be no excuse to do that ONE trip that you always say you will do, but keep putting off.

And imagine, being able to experience it with someone that you love? I’ve been so lucky to visit some amazing countries and cities. Learned different languages, viewed other cultures. But there is also a world that I haven’t seen. I’m curious to see it all, experience it all, taste it all, enjoy it all. And to be able to hold hands with someone while on that journey…is something I think I would enjoy. Besides, there’s something wickedly sensual to wake up to the sounds of exotic birds, smell unfamiliar fragrances and have a day of unplanned leisure another world away.

D.T.F

D.T.F

I believe it was the wise sage, DJ Pauly D, who first uttered the words”D.T.F”. The term which explains the state in which one is ready to participate in intercourse, is a common lingo found around bars, clubs and drunk frat houses. However, I’ve recently found it commonplace in another arena- online dating.

I am shocked…no…AMAZED…at how many matches from both Tinder and Bumble will go from the “Hello. How are you?” to the “Wanna screw?” And some, don’t even address you. As one fine gent did this morning…at 1:35 am. I immediately unmatched with him, but it made me wonder. Yes, these apps do offer a significant ease to finding someone to sleep with, but that’s not their only purpose. And if they are, at least for the user, could you pretend to be cordial and ask my last name before you ask to see my ladybox?

For some odd reason, I have a greater respect for the guys in the shirtless bathroom selfies, who blatantly put in their profile “On vacation/looking for fun/aim to please/coffee and dog lover”. At least you’re making your intentions known, even before the left swipe. Though I have fallen victim to the hot guy who’s profile I didn’t read at first. That’s always a fun awkward conversation.

Him: So you read my profile?

Me: *reads profile in horror* Um, yea. Interesting.

Him: So you free tonight?

Me: *unmatches*

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you want to have great sex. Maybe even great “Lose my number” sex. But thats a sometimes and not an all the time. And it’s certainly not something I or most women lead with. I guess my curiosity or frustrations lie in how many women these overly enthusiastic men think they will gain from that type of response? Sure, you will have the one female who may bite, and I am in no way knocking her. Do you, Boo Boo. Do you. But I hate to bring up the age old double standard….if a woman lead with a similar profile, what would guys think?

In the end, dating apps are our currently reality. They may not be perfect and I am sure in no way serve their originally designed purpose. But can we ALL agree to use some…etiquette, when it comes to approaching the topic of sex. For one, ask me out on a date? And no, you can’t ask me through Snapchat…here’s my number. Two, let’s ACTUALLY meet for said date. And IF, there is a chemistry, perhaps there will be sex. If not, I’m leaving you the bill for my two Jameson’s and deleting your number as well as your profile from my life…forever!

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