Partners in Love & Life

Partners in Love & Life

Sometimes when I think of my favorite couples, I think about the characteristics that I love about their relationship. One couple that I love spending time with, playfully give each other a hard time, but openly are each others biggest cheerleaders. Another, put God above everything. One couple are big sports fans, and their love and life revolve around how their team is doing at any particular time in the season.

I like to think that what makes a great couple are a variety of little things. But one big thing that I noticed in some of the most stable and lasting relationships, are couples that are true partners. Partners in life and in love is actually something I feel some relationships lack. If I look back at majority of mine for example, we had chemistry, similarities and fun, but few of them made me feel as if I had a partner. Someone who was on the same page as me and someone who saw the relationship for more than just an answer to loneliness.

What makes having a real partner in love so important is that, that person sees not only the good and the bad, but they can see and react to your needs, sometimes before you even mention them. A partner anticipates, hears your words and responds to your actions. You both flow and work together as one, as a unit. Not that I ever want to use “Twilight” as an example, but there is a line said in the second move that I love. When Bella brings Edward to meet her mom, her mother said “You two act like magnets. You move, he moves.” At first, I thought that was a bit creepy. And slightly teen age angsty. Then it dawned on me, Edward was her partner in every since of the word. He moved, she moved. He had a need, she fufilled it. And it was more than lust, or chemistry, or laughs or support. It was someone who added balance and wholeness to the relationship.

I think the older I become, the more the idea of having a real partner becomes something  of vital importance to me. Of course I want all the other things that are crucial to a great relationship: passion, humor, loyalty, trust, patience, love, Bourbon. But now, when I think of “The One”, I want him to be the person who literally has my back, because I will have him. He’s not my better half and I’m not his, we are each others equal. He is my partner in life and love.

 

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To Dick Pic, or not to…just DON’T!

To Dick Pic, or not to…just DON’T!

In this modern dating age of dating apps and websites, communication is often sped up or worse, muddy at best. Sarcasm doesn’t translate and sincerity is often laughed at. And when chatting for one day with a match can sometimes feel like two or three, people often throw out the rules of conventional conversation. Enter “The Dick Pic”.

I’m not sure when, how or why this became a thing, but it did. And I fear that as long as we have smart phones, there will be dumb guys who will send photos of their junk. Case in point. I matched with a cool guy on Tinder and we were chatting for several days. Due to work, we hadn’t had a chance to meet up yet, but we were working our way to that point. Our conversations were always simple and harmless. “How was work?” “Did you watch the game?” “What scotch were you drinking last night?”

We shared Snapchat screen names and our snaps were pretty mild. To be honest, they were mostly chats and no pics. So color me surprise one day when he asked me to send a pic from work. I happen to look AH-MAY-ZING that day, so I was happy to send one. I replied to him that I was curious if he still had his beard, since in some of his pics he has a beard and in others, he does not. That’s when it happened. Unprovoked, unannounced, unwanted, he sent me a picture of his erect Johnson in his boxer shorts.

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I took a moment to examine what I may have said that may have caused him to think “You know what, she may have asked about my beard but what she REALLY wants to see is this!” I didn’t reply to his snap and about a minute later he messaged asking “Not impressed?” Truthfully, no. I’m not impressed that you think that’s appealing. That your response to a legitimate question was to show off your member. I’m not impressed that you would think that I was the kind of women who WOULD find that impressive. No sir, I was not impressed at all. I replied “I’m curious what made you think I wanted to see a pic of your dick?” Silence. I gave him about five minutes to have the courage to reply. Then I blocked him on all social media.

I was talking to a guy friend of mine and we had a big laugh about it. “I have never wanted or sent a picture of my dick to a girl. Why do guys do that?”, he said. “More importantly…” , I started to say, then we both finished the same thought “WHAT GIRL WANTS TO SEE THAT?” But seriously, who is the woman who sees a random dick pic and thinks “I at least want to have coffee with this guy.” Or maybe “This will be a funny story to tell our grandkids one day.”

Rather than go into long details on why this is so off putting to women, guys, might I make a suggestion. If you really do have any desire to sleep with us, and if you truly want that desire to be mutual, might we first start with a conversation that happens in public? And perhaps, I don’t know, leave your dick in your pants? I’m sure there are women who go for that kind of stuff. And to you sexpots I say BRAVO. But for my piece of mind, my dating sanity and the risk of me not literally laughing out loud and telling my girlfriends about you, if you want to date me, leave the pics in your own damn phone.

Being Alone vs “The Lonely”

Being Alone vs “The Lonely”

I’m gonna be really honest. Well, not like I’m NOT honest here, but, you know what I mean. I’m not a fan of being alone. At least not for long periods of time. You’d think as an only child, I would be use to it by now. Don’t get me wrong. There are some real perks of being alone. I actually really like that I live by myself. Until I think about that episode of “30 Rock” when Liz Lemon talks about how she fears being a single woman alone, that she may choke on her dinner and there would be no one there to help her. This horror hit me hard one night when a particularly large piece of sushi decided to go down the wrong pipe.

Living alone means, I only have to worry about me. Cook for me, clean for me, walk naked around my apartment and not care what others think. But that kind of “alone” is fine with me. “The Lonely” is different. “The Lonely” is having a 12 hour work day and all you want is someone to massage your feet. Or crying at a movie that makes you think about your father, and wanting to be held. “The Lonely” is cooking a bomb ass Red Sauce and wanting to share it with someone, but realizing it’s gonna be stored in the freezer so it doesn’t go to waste.

I use to be embarrassed that I would ever say out loud that I don’t like being alone. Very few people actually like it. You get more things done in your solitary. But you also have a million little voices talking to you, making it a their mission to point out that you are in fact…alone. The more that I think about it, it’s the voices that I hate. They want to run around saying “You should be with someone.” “You should scroll through Instagram and see all your happy couple friends and lust over what they have.” “You are alone for a reason.”

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That my kiddlets, is “The Lonely” talking. The little gnat of a voice that points out that you can’t survive in your solitude. But one of the things I am learning and appreciating is that I can live in it, and survive and grow to love it. “The Lonely” is causing me to listen to the voices and rather than take pity on myself and my situation, but work on some shit. I mean real shit. Shit that scares me. And perhaps even admit a few things.

Case in point, I admit a big desire I have to be in relationships is to find validation in myself. I like the compliments and the looks a couple gets when they walk into a room together. It’s like you announce to the world, “See this….this is an US. Not just a ME!” And that need for validation, to understand WHY I need it comes from hours spent in “The Lonely”. Rather than running from it, I decided to listen to it. While I’m cooking, or taking a shower, or doing Yoga or meditating.

And that’s when it happened, I slowly became ok with it, because it didn’t define me. I wasn’t alone because I was without someone. And being alone wasn’t the end of the world. This time alone is making me, as cliche as this sounds, work on some crap that I needed to work on. So that one day, when there is “someone”, I won’t feel like I need them to be an US. I would have dealt with being alone, listened to “The Lonely” and come out stronger person. This also means I will be drinking severals bottles of scotch on my own. But I ain’t complaining about that either.

 

 

Happy Valenti…Ah Screw It!

Happy Valenti…Ah Screw It!

I am never surprised that I usually find myself single around Valentine’s Day. I have either ended a relationship at the start of the year. Or more often than not, started something brand new, but not add the pressure of a “Couples Holiday” early in the dating   process. Either way, I can count on one hand how many times I have spent VDay with someone.

Over the years, rather than treating it as a “Whoa is me!” day or a “Man Hating Party”, I focus on the one vice I love almost as much as booze…horror films. I would host “My Bloody Valentine’s Day” parties, complete with red velvet cupcakes, bloody sangrias and hours of some of my favorite horror movies. I figure, rather than being surrounded by love and all things romance, why not love the beauty and gore that is dumb virgins being killed in the woods!

My horror Valentine’s however was simply a mask for one simple truth…being alone that day really does suck. Over the years, I have grown to love my solitude. I relish that I have a two bedroom, but live alone. I have found joy in trying out new restaurants and having full meals with just myself. But there is something about that one day in the year that makes you feel as if you are not complete unless you’re with someone. Recently, I have tried to make it a point to show more of my love to others on that day.

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But why not show some love and appreciation to yourself? What makes Valentine’s Day so special is that a person feels valued and seen. But that is in the eye of someone else. However, what if you don’t have that someone? Or maybe, your someone isn’t a romantic partner. Maybe they are a friend, a coworker, a parent, a sibling, an ex. In any event, it’s just one day. It doesn’t define you and you are not just one day. If your value is in knowing that you’re appreciated and loved, first tell that to the person in the mirror. And then, go out and show that to others. Oh, and pick up a horror film, a good bottle of bourbon and cuddle with the best date ever…YOU!

The Advice You Give

The Advice You Give

When I started my blog 8 years ago, it was because I wanted to work through some issues. A girl might look like a Power Ranger but I need help. What I never expected but has turned into a happy surprise, is my ability to give advice to others. You’ve heard that doctors make the worst patients. The same goes for those who write dating blogs. I may not always listen to my own advice, but the advice I give is darn good!

A few days ago, my college best friend called me. She needed some advice about whether to pursue dating a guy seriously or to let him go. We caught up for a few hours and I realized very quickly, a lot of the advice I give, sounds scarily…like my mother. I have to laugh especially since I don’t have kids. I don’t have many moments where I can go to my mom and say “I get it now”. It does, however happen several times when giving advice.

The advice that I give comes from a place that splits my head and my heart. Most of the time, when my friends come to me and I hear their concern, my first response is something that I’ve heard my mother say countless times, “It sounds like you know what to do, you just have to do it.” And in classic mother fashion, sometimes the thing we know we NEED to do, is the thing we don’t WANT to do. But why is that?

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Because deep down, even though we often seek out the advice of others, we already know what we NEED to do. Sometimes, we want to even be talked out of those things. We have our mind made and know what we WILL do. But hearing advice gives us insight one way or another.

I’m always happy to be a sounding board for my friends. Often, they do the same for me. And I will continue to give advice, whether they listen to me or not. Just remember, the advice you give is often the advice you need to take. Be a better patient, then a doctor!

2019- The Year of “Don’t Repeat”

2019- The Year of “Don’t Repeat”

I can’t stand New Year’s Resolution. Full disclosure, because I can never keep them. Who can? You make grand plans to stick by a resolution and by mid-January, you realize that that pound cake won’t eat its self. So instead of resolutions I try what I like to call “Don’t Repeat”.

Rather than a goal or a resolution I want to keep but know I won’t, I focus on things that brought me no joy or success and focus on not repeating them. The classic “Learning from Ones Mistakes” mantra.  I’ll admit, I am the Queen of screwups. And I wear my mistakes with a badge of honor. But even someone like myself has to stop and make an effort to not make the same mistakes again, hence “Don’t Repeat”.

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So if you are like me, and need a checklist to get you into 2019, might I suggest my list of 2019 “Don’t Repeats”

  • Tinder Dinner Dates- Sure, it gets you out of the house and yea, it’s a free meal. But it’s never just dinner, and it’s never worthwhile in the end. Let’s just say “Wanna meet for a drink and maybe make out?” I mean, let’s put the rules of the game out there before we enter the field.

 

  • Concern for your Ex- Yes, you have a civil relationship with them. There is no following on Social Media or even a saved phone number. And maybe they went through a hurricane. That doesn’t mean you have to be the one who reaches out because you were “concerned”. You’re not. Not really at least. You want to know that THEY know the f*&^ed up. Surprise, surprise…they still don’t

 

  • Looking Cute for Others- BITCH!!!!! Make the winged liner as strong as your personality and as sharp as your tongue for no one else, but yo DAMN self! Trust me…it won’t go unnoticed!

 

  • Cheating on Your Expectations- Earlier in the year I talked about how a friend was trying to set me up. When she asked me what I was looking for in a guy, I gave her a rather detailed top 5. She thought it was shocking and for a moment, I  began to doubt whether those things were really necessary. Then it hit me. If I had found any guy in 2018 remotely close to the characteristics in my top 5, I wouldn’t still be looking. This isn’t to say that my expectations are high, but I know what I want. And in 2019, rather than thinking what you are looking for isn’t realistic, ask yourself if it’s realistic to waste your time on what you AREN’T looking for.

 

  • Losing Sight on Me- Ladies, we all do it. We meet that guy, we click, we start dating and then we morph into another person. We know we’re doing it. Our friends, family and co-workers see that we’re doing it? But why? What do we get out of it, except an emergency trip to our therapist on New Year’s Eve. We know what makes us great. And we also know what makes us a hot F*&^ing mess! So why not accept that and accept that the person who will ultimately be your right match will love both…equally. Let’s stop playing the charade of the perfect hostess, the girl who’s eyebrows always match or the super excited hockey fan (Bitch, you know we ain’t ever been to a hockey game). Instead let’s take this kick ass chick into 2019 ready to make mistakes, learn from them, kiss a lot of frogs, meet a prince, challenge herself, fight for what she deserves and changes the attitudes of others around her with her smile. It’s not impossible, so let’s show the world how it’s done!
What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

I love my friends. I love that they try to so hard to see me happy. Whether it’s in my professional life or my personal life, they go to great lengths to see me happy. One such friend however, decided to do the thing I hate the most….set me up on a date. I was recently talking to a newly engaged co-worker who asked me what I was looking for a in a man. These two situations had me thinking, “What DO I want in a man?”

When I was in college, I wrote a list of 100 things I wanted in a Dream Guy. My thought was, he really would be the perfect guy for me, if he had all 100 things that I wrote on my list. Over the next few years, I would go back and look at that list. Mainly in horror at what I thought was a NEED. But mostly out of amazement, that my needs changed drastically.

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Just like our palette, fashion sense and choice of movies, we get older and our needs change. 21 year old Desiree was so focused on what she wanted from a guy. But a few years older, a divorce, a few breakups and one heart ache, my needs have definitely changed. So to answer the question asked by several of my well meaning friends, here’s what I need in a guy…my top 5 requirements.

  1. Laughter- I am funny. No seriously, I am. Hilarious. I’m silly, goofy, slightly inappropriate and sarcastic AF. That kind of humor is not for everyone. When I think about guys from my past what sticks out about several of them, was their ability to make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine and in some cases, the best way to end and argument. For me, if you can make me laugh, it means you don’t take yourself (or me) too seriously. It says, you’re up for an adventure and fun.
  2. Chemistry- Let’s be honest. There has to be a spark. And I hate to admit it, but I get bored easily. If two people don’t have chemistry, what will be the thing that keeps the passion going? I’m not saying that I need to see you walk in the door and jump you before you cross the floor. What I am saying is, you should feel that butterfly in your stomach whenever you see me, because I assure you, I will feel the same.
  3. Height- I know this is random but it’s a big physical thing for me. I wear heels. High heel shoes, heeled boots and I may own a few pair of Louboutin’s. I NEED you to be taller than me. For one, pictures are so awkward when you’re not. Two, heels or not, if I look down to kiss you I feel like an odd freak of nature. Every girl loves the feeling of standing on her tippy toes to kiss a guy. That, and I believe  the guy equivalent of girls doing creative shots to hide their weight, are guys showing photos of themselves sitting in cars. No sir, I need to see you standing next to a small elephant!
  4. Education- I recently went on a date with a sweet young gent. When he asked me how my day was, I replied that it was fine, but that I did have some H.R. stuff to deal with, which is never fun. His reply was “What’s H.R?” Now I’m not saying that you need a Harvard education, what I am saying is, you need to be able to have an educated and insightful conversation with me. And again, let me stress, an intelligent conversation can be anything. I can just as easily debate the need for universal health care as I can why the “ManBearPig” episode of South Park is stellar television.
  5. Passion- At first glance, I’m sure you’re thinking I mean in the bedroom. Well…that too. But I mean more than physical passion. I have dated men who were passionate about comics, the environment, their children or the military. Their passion was evident in everything they did and believed in. It was a part of what made me fall for them. Passion is about having that unyielding dedication to someone or something. Something to believe in. Something to fight for. In any good relationship, you want someone to believe in you and you want someone who will fight for you. What you need is a man with passion.

Looking at this very small list, makes me wonder what college aged Desiree would think. Would you she laugh at what I consider are my top needs? Or would she argue that “Keanu Reeves” is still a valid requirement for the perfect guy. Not a guy LIKE Keanu, I meant, Keanu himself. Either way, sometimes what we need to do is think long and hard about what it is that we may NEED in a partner. Often times, it speaks to what we are lacking in ourselves.