Happy Valenti…Ah Screw It!

Happy Valenti…Ah Screw It!

I am never surprised that I usually find myself single around Valentine’s Day. I have either ended a relationship at the start of the year. Or more often than not, started something brand new, but not add the pressure of a “Couples Holiday” early in the dating   process. Either way, I can count on one hand how many times I have spent VDay with someone.

Over the years, rather than treating it as a “Whoa is me!” day or a “Man Hating Party”, I focus on the one vice I love almost as much as booze…horror films. I would host “My Bloody Valentine’s Day” parties, complete with red velvet cupcakes, bloody sangrias and hours of some of my favorite horror movies. I figure, rather than being surrounded by love and all things romance, why not love the beauty and gore that is dumb virgins being killed in the woods!

My horror Valentine’s however was simply a mask for one simple truth…being alone that day really does suck. Over the years, I have grown to love my solitude. I relish that I have a two bedroom, but live alone. I have found joy in trying out new restaurants and having full meals with just myself. But there is something about that one day in the year that makes you feel as if you are not complete unless you’re with someone. Recently, I have tried to make it a point to show more of my love to others on that day.

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But why not show some love and appreciation to yourself? What makes Valentine’s Day so special is that a person feels valued and seen. But that is in the eye of someone else. However, what if you don’t have that someone? Or maybe, your someone isn’t a romantic partner. Maybe they are a friend, a coworker, a parent, a sibling, an ex. In any event, it’s just one day. It doesn’t define you and you are not just one day. If your value is in knowing that you’re appreciated and loved, first tell that to the person in the mirror. And then, go out and show that to others. Oh, and pick up a horror film, a good bottle of bourbon and cuddle with the best date ever…YOU!

The Advice You Give

The Advice You Give

When I started my blog 8 years ago, it was because I wanted to work through some issues. A girl might look like a Power Ranger but I need help. What I never expected but has turned into a happy surprise, is my ability to give advice to others. You’ve heard that doctors make the worst patients. The same goes for those who write dating blogs. I may not always listen to my own advice, but the advice I give is darn good!

A few days ago, my college best friend called me. She needed some advice about whether to pursue dating a guy seriously or to let him go. We caught up for a few hours and I realized very quickly, a lot of the advice I give, sounds scarily…like my mother. I have to laugh especially since I don’t have kids. I don’t have many moments where I can go to my mom and say “I get it now”. It does, however happen several times when giving advice.

The advice that I give comes from a place that splits my head and my heart. Most of the time, when my friends come to me and I hear their concern, my first response is something that I’ve heard my mother say countless times, “It sounds like you know what to do, you just have to do it.” And in classic mother fashion, sometimes the thing we know we NEED to do, is the thing we don’t WANT to do. But why is that?

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Because deep down, even though we often seek out the advice of others, we already know what we NEED to do. Sometimes, we want to even be talked out of those things. We have our mind made and know what we WILL do. But hearing advice gives us insight one way or another.

I’m always happy to be a sounding board for my friends. Often, they do the same for me. And I will continue to give advice, whether they listen to me or not. Just remember, the advice you give is often the advice you need to take. Be a better patient, then a doctor!

2019- The Year of “Don’t Repeat”

2019- The Year of “Don’t Repeat”

I can’t stand New Year’s Resolution. Full disclosure, because I can never keep them. Who can? You make grand plans to stick by a resolution and by mid-January, you realize that that pound cake won’t eat its self. So instead of resolutions I try what I like to call “Don’t Repeat”.

Rather than a goal or a resolution I want to keep but know I won’t, I focus on things that brought me no joy or success and focus on not repeating them. The classic “Learning from Ones Mistakes” mantra.  I’ll admit, I am the Queen of screwups. And I wear my mistakes with a badge of honor. But even someone like myself has to stop and make an effort to not make the same mistakes again, hence “Don’t Repeat”.

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So if you are like me, and need a checklist to get you into 2019, might I suggest my list of 2019 “Don’t Repeats”

  • Tinder Dinner Dates- Sure, it gets you out of the house and yea, it’s a free meal. But it’s never just dinner, and it’s never worthwhile in the end. Let’s just say “Wanna meet for a drink and maybe make out?” I mean, let’s put the rules of the game out there before we enter the field.

 

  • Concern for your Ex- Yes, you have a civil relationship with them. There is no following on Social Media or even a saved phone number. And maybe they went through a hurricane. That doesn’t mean you have to be the one who reaches out because you were “concerned”. You’re not. Not really at least. You want to know that THEY know the f*&^ed up. Surprise, surprise…they still don’t

 

  • Looking Cute for Others- BITCH!!!!! Make the winged liner as strong as your personality and as sharp as your tongue for no one else, but yo DAMN self! Trust me…it won’t go unnoticed!

 

  • Cheating on Your Expectations- Earlier in the year I talked about how a friend was trying to set me up. When she asked me what I was looking for in a guy, I gave her a rather detailed top 5. She thought it was shocking and for a moment, I  began to doubt whether those things were really necessary. Then it hit me. If I had found any guy in 2018 remotely close to the characteristics in my top 5, I wouldn’t still be looking. This isn’t to say that my expectations are high, but I know what I want. And in 2019, rather than thinking what you are looking for isn’t realistic, ask yourself if it’s realistic to waste your time on what you AREN’T looking for.

 

  • Losing Sight on Me- Ladies, we all do it. We meet that guy, we click, we start dating and then we morph into another person. We know we’re doing it. Our friends, family and co-workers see that we’re doing it? But why? What do we get out of it, except an emergency trip to our therapist on New Year’s Eve. We know what makes us great. And we also know what makes us a hot F*&^ing mess! So why not accept that and accept that the person who will ultimately be your right match will love both…equally. Let’s stop playing the charade of the perfect hostess, the girl who’s eyebrows always match or the super excited hockey fan (Bitch, you know we ain’t ever been to a hockey game). Instead let’s take this kick ass chick into 2019 ready to make mistakes, learn from them, kiss a lot of frogs, meet a prince, challenge herself, fight for what she deserves and changes the attitudes of others around her with her smile. It’s not impossible, so let’s show the world how it’s done!
What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

What I Need- My top 5 guy requirements

I love my friends. I love that they try to so hard to see me happy. Whether it’s in my professional life or my personal life, they go to great lengths to see me happy. One such friend however, decided to do the thing I hate the most….set me up on a date. I was recently talking to a newly engaged co-worker who asked me what I was looking for a in a man. These two situations had me thinking, “What DO I want in a man?”

When I was in college, I wrote a list of 100 things I wanted in a Dream Guy. My thought was, he really would be the perfect guy for me, if he had all 100 things that I wrote on my list. Over the next few years, I would go back and look at that list. Mainly in horror at what I thought was a NEED. But mostly out of amazement, that my needs changed drastically.

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Just like our palette, fashion sense and choice of movies, we get older and our needs change. 21 year old Desiree was so focused on what she wanted from a guy. But a few years older, a divorce, a few breakups and one heart ache, my needs have definitely changed. So to answer the question asked by several of my well meaning friends, here’s what I need in a guy…my top 5 requirements.

  1. Laughter- I am funny. No seriously, I am. Hilarious. I’m silly, goofy, slightly inappropriate and sarcastic AF. That kind of humor is not for everyone. When I think about guys from my past what sticks out about several of them, was their ability to make me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine and in some cases, the best way to end and argument. For me, if you can make me laugh, it means you don’t take yourself (or me) too seriously. It says, you’re up for an adventure and fun.
  2. Chemistry- Let’s be honest. There has to be a spark. And I hate to admit it, but I get bored easily. If two people don’t have chemistry, what will be the thing that keeps the passion going? I’m not saying that I need to see you walk in the door and jump you before you cross the floor. What I am saying is, you should feel that butterfly in your stomach whenever you see me, because I assure you, I will feel the same.
  3. Height- I know this is random but it’s a big physical thing for me. I wear heels. High heel shoes, heeled boots and I may own a few pair of Louboutin’s. I NEED you to be taller than me. For one, pictures are so awkward when you’re not. Two, heels or not, if I look down to kiss you I feel like an odd freak of nature. Every girl loves the feeling of standing on her tippy toes to kiss a guy. That, and I believe  the guy equivalent of girls doing creative shots to hide their weight, are guys showing photos of themselves sitting in cars. No sir, I need to see you standing next to a small elephant!
  4. Education- I recently went on a date with a sweet young gent. When he asked me how my day was, I replied that it was fine, but that I did have some H.R. stuff to deal with, which is never fun. His reply was “What’s H.R?” Now I’m not saying that you need a Harvard education, what I am saying is, you need to be able to have an educated and insightful conversation with me. And again, let me stress, an intelligent conversation can be anything. I can just as easily debate the need for universal health care as I can why the “ManBearPig” episode of South Park is stellar television.
  5. Passion- At first glance, I’m sure you’re thinking I mean in the bedroom. Well…that too. But I mean more than physical passion. I have dated men who were passionate about comics, the environment, their children or the military. Their passion was evident in everything they did and believed in. It was a part of what made me fall for them. Passion is about having that unyielding dedication to someone or something. Something to believe in. Something to fight for. In any good relationship, you want someone to believe in you and you want someone who will fight for you. What you need is a man with passion.

Looking at this very small list, makes me wonder what college aged Desiree would think. Would you she laugh at what I consider are my top needs? Or would she argue that “Keanu Reeves” is still a valid requirement for the perfect guy. Not a guy LIKE Keanu, I meant, Keanu himself. Either way, sometimes what we need to do is think long and hard about what it is that we may NEED in a partner. Often times, it speaks to what we are lacking in ourselves.

Letting Go- Girl Move On!

Letting Go- Girl Move On!

I am not ashamed to admit that I see a therapist. Often. I think more people should. But that’s not what this post is about. After going through all of my basic history and running my therapist up to speed about my life, I proceeded to spend about 10 minutes talking about my ex. You know the one. The one that plays on an endless loop of mental memories of good times, bad times and a million “What If’s”.

Then I had a moment of, well honestly..F*&%ING STOP! What we do when we gravitate to the past or we hold on to those amazing former memories, is feel sad that we don’t have that. But as I am reminded by my mother almost on weekly basis, we actually have to be thankful for them. There is something to learn about the loss of love. There is something to be grateful for it. And more importantly, there is something that you need to identify in order to not make the same mistakes again.

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Even as I write this, I have to laugh. It’s probably one of the dating lessons that I find the hardest even at my age to really learn. But that’s the beauty about lessons. Just like when you were a kid at school, it took you a while to learn something. You had to practice. There were reviews. Trial and Error. Maybe a practice test.

So just think of those pasts heartbreaks as the ultimate practice test. When the test is over, good or bad, there’s nothing more you can do. And sure, for you snooty little “A” students who would do extra credit just to get two more points, ok, good for you! For the rest of us “C” students, we know. That ‘ish was done. And though we may have wished it went better, we just have to hope that the next test gives us a better result.

The next test in your life may be your “A”. It may be easier than the others. And you may find that this is the one, you were meant to work so hard to have  and learn from, in your life.

Cuffing Season

Cuffing Season

If you’re like me, you have happily shed your two piece of the Summer with cozy sweaters and boots. Fall is here, and so is cuffing season. If you are not familiar with the term, let me, and Urban Dictionary help shed a little light on the subject. “Cuffing Season” is the time of year, usually after Halloween and shortly before Valentine’s Day, where singles begin the sometimes depressing but highly determined process to couple up. And why, you might ask? When one realizes that football is mid season, and the holidays are looming by, you can only find comfort in, well..others.

I never took much thought to the idea that a certain time period could make someone NEED to be “cuffed” up. Then again, Wedding Season makes me want to sleep with every cute Best Man I lay eyes on. But Fall of 2018 has found my Tinder and Bumble profile more active than before. Exes from my past begin to enter the picture and I go on dates, simply because I have seen everything in my Netflix que. In other words, holy crap…I kinda want to be cuffed.

My weekends were mostly spent laying poolside, drinking Jameson and being as inappropriate as possible. But now that I found myself locked in my comfy apartment, with candles and good books, my weekend is about trying out new recipes. And who wants to do that alone. I’ve always been a scotch lover and have recently taken my love of cigars to the next level. One night, while enjoying  a delicious pair of Whisky and a Robusto I thought “I kinda wish I had someone to do this with.” And this is the foundation of Cuffing Season.

 

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It’s not so much that you are trying to find Mr Right, or even Mr Right Now. People use this time to move during the seasons as a transitional period. Not to get all hippie and a little Witchy on you, but there is something to be said about the different phases of the moon and seasons. We all know when a full moon occurs. People start acting weird, strange things seem almost commonplace, and most just need no explanation. So rather than the occasional New Moon, we have an entire season full of holidays, Hallmark movies and Summertime regrets that parade in our face just begging to be confronted.

So what do you, or I, do when this happens? Why not embrace it? Rather than going out and treating this time of year as the depressing march to New Years, how about taking a different approach to dating. You’re not trying to get married (if you are and that’s your goal, by all means, do that). Instead, enjoy the time in, make new friends, try new things, make small goals and stick by them. And rather than thinking every guy is a jerk and every girl is a psycho, use this time to be “cautiously optimistic”. Besides, no wants wants to be alone seconds before Midnight on New Years Eve.

 

F%&*boy Follies

F%&*boy Follies

How are we in 2018 and f$%&boys still exist? Rather, why put up with it? But more so, why DO they exist? No but seriously, how are we here?

I know that the one million red flags of my recent follies would have me here, writing this post. He’s 25, has a job (and a side hustle…because that’s a thing now), funny, cute, good dancer and loves to communicate mostly through texts. One such text came at 10:30 pm, “What u doin?” Well, honestly, in bed watching South Park. My answer was to give him an indication of a few things. 1) At this hour, even if you knocked on my door with flowers, I’m not answering. And 2) I get a text from you for the first time in days at 10:30pm? Yeaaaa, I’m not that dumb…or blonde.

 

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Another fun late text was to meet him at a strip club…at 3 am. Now, full disclosure, I do love going to a good strip club. Especially when you’re with your man, there’s nothing hotter than to see him in awe that YOU might be enjoying yourself as much he is. But at 3 am, me and my do-rag are having a serious conversation with my pillow. I’m not sure if this puts him in true f$%&boy status or that I’m just old. Actually now that I think about it, 29 year old Desiree would have done the same thing.

The class of boy that finds these games appealing are the kind that I have very little patience for. You want to text inconsistently, come over and eat my food, be totally oblivious that I’m not enjoying my self when we have sex, oh, and sleep in a twin bed. A few dates in, and I’m already bored. But my boredom has me wondering if he would make a good squeaky play toy.

You ever notice how dogs love squeaky toys, not so much for the toy but the sound it makes? Don’t worry, I’m not going to squeeze him till he squeaks. But all that toy provides is mindless distraction. And I think every once in a while, we need a mindless distraction. Don’t get hurt, don’t invest energy, recognize they will never change and play the game. Does this make you a F$%&girl? *GASP* No. It just gives you a shiny new toy that you get to enjoy, until the next one comes along.